I wasn’t able to sleep last night until the sunlight peeped through the window despite of my efforts to do so. I am pretty sure that I have drifted through a nap at around 10:35 pm because the next time I laid my eyes on the clock it was already 11:10 pm so maybe that’s why. Of course, I have tried putting myself to sleep, laid on my bed in the most comfortable position, hugging a pillow under the soft blanket but still in the end, it just gave me a terrible throbbing headache. I surrendered. I stood up and gobbled down two cookies and a glassful of cold water in the darkness of our kitchen. While munching on my cookies, I realized that my mind was everywhere, it just couldn’t stop thinking. I didn’t know what to think first as the thoughts swarmed on me. In resignation and in my desire to give myself peace, I grabbed a notebook and pen and scribbled down the thoughts in my brain.
For the first time in a long while, I’ve acknowledged that I am a shy, jealous, insecure, and frustrated person who is living in a messy, judgmental world. I am jealous of my friends who are living the lives that they want, who are continually writing the chapters of their lives with no interruptions. I am insecure of their courage and confidence, the things that I doubt I have. I am insecure of how certain they are for the path that they are taking, it seems like the roads were already laid down for them, while I feel like I am in a middle of a crossroad, having no idea which way to take.
I then was thinking about the things that I want to do and why I just couldn’t do them, the reasons all came down to having no resources to do so. How to have resources? By getting a job of course. That was when I considered working on the quickest job that I can take, you know just to earn some money for me to be able to start the life that I want. So, I am now strongly considering a job in a call center because that’s what I think the quickest that I can get. It’ll be just a step until I can support my plan of moving out to a different city. I always say to myself, one step at a time until you get to the goal, that way you can have realistic plans.
I ended my note with: Enough of pleasing other people. Enough of thinking and listening to what they say. Enough of being a puppet. Enough of the cowardice and Start doing. It is not wrong to think of myself once in a while and do the things that can make me happy.
I strongly recommend when you feel like you’re being overwhelmed with your thoughts and feelings, write it down. I always hear or read about it but I just shrug it off like it’s nothing but now that I really did it, I could say that it is really effective in organizing the thoughts and declutter the mess and chaos that I created in my head.