Late Night Thoughts and Scribbles

I wasn’t able to sleep last night until the sunlight peeped through the window despite of my efforts to do so. I am pretty sure that I have drifted through a nap at around 10:35 pm because the next time I laid my eyes on the clock it was already 11:10 pm so maybe that’s why. Of course, I have tried putting myself to sleep, laid on my bed in the most comfortable position, hugging a pillow under the soft blanket but still in the end, it just gave me a terrible throbbing headache. I surrendered. I stood up and gobbled down two cookies and a glassful of cold water in the darkness of our kitchen. While munching on my cookies, I realized that my mind was everywhere, it just couldn’t stop thinking. I didn’t know what to think first as the thoughts swarmed on me. In resignation and in my desire to give myself peace, I grabbed a notebook and pen and scribbled down the thoughts in my brain.

For the first time in a long while, I’ve acknowledged that I am a shy, jealous, insecure, and frustrated person who is living in a messy, judgmental world. I am jealous of my friends who are living the lives that they want, who are continually writing the chapters of their lives with no interruptions. I am insecure of their courage and confidence, the things that I doubt I have. I am insecure of how certain they are for the path that they are taking, it seems like the roads were already laid down for them, while I feel like I am in a middle of a crossroad, having no idea which way to take.

I then was thinking about the things that I want to do and why I just couldn’t do them, the reasons all came down to having no resources to do so. How to have resources? By getting a job of course. That was when I considered working on the quickest job that I can take, you know just to earn some money for me to be able to start the life that I want. So, I am now strongly considering a job in a call center because that’s what I think the quickest that I can get. It’ll be just a step until I can support my plan of moving out to a different city. I always say to myself, one step at a time until you get to the goal, that way you can have realistic plans.

I ended my note with: Enough of pleasing other people. Enough of thinking and listening to what they say. Enough of being a puppet. Enough of the cowardice and Start doing. It is not wrong to think of myself once in a while and do the things that can make me happy.

I strongly recommend when you feel like you’re being overwhelmed with your thoughts and feelings, write it down. I always hear or read about it but I just shrug it off like it’s nothing but now that I really did it, I could say that it is really effective in organizing the thoughts and declutter the mess and chaos that I created in my head.

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One thought on “Late Night Thoughts and Scribbles

  1. Loved reading this!!! It hits home to me in so many ways… Just keep focused on your heart. It often is telling us exactly what to do and we ignore it. But writing it all down help you… Or at least it has me. You can find the life you want and work every day towards it. And even if it’s tiring or frustrating, it is worth it!!! Trust me

    Like

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