I am too tired of this. I am too tired of waking up in the morning not really looking forward to anything. I am too tired of having an empty day because all I do is sleep and eat. I am too tired of being embarrassed. I am too tired of being scared. I am too tired of being so hard to myself and beating myself up all the time. Basically, I am too tired of everything in my life right now. But don’t worry though, this is not a suicidal note, I am not that kind of person. I just really want to dump of all these thoughts I have in my head to hopefully remove, if not all then most of the clutters in my brain.
Do you know the reason why I prefer sleeping in the morning and being awake at night? Of course not, right? No one knows actually but I’d like to share it with you. I prefer to be awake at night because everyone is already sleeping; it’s quiet and the introvert in me really like that. I can freely walk the house without worrying for someone bugging me of things that I know and am already aware of. I prefer to be asleep in the morning because I’m avoiding to be nagged at by my mom as to why I’m always cooped up in my room, always reminding me that I’m turning 25 this year and still accomplished nothing, asking me non-stop as to what my plans are, when will I get a job and enjoy life. I prefer to be asleep in the morning to not see my dad’s sufferings. He worked hard for my studies and now that I’ve finished school and am already a registered nurse, I am supposed to be helping him to support our family because I am more than aware that it’s already too much for him but still here I am, doing nothing. I appreciate all of those nagging and constant questions and reminders because that only shows how concerned and worried they are for me but there are times that it’s just too much to hear. It’s like reality repeatedly slapping me in the face to make me realize of how incapable I am with my life.
I regret wasting 5 years of my life and still counting, for doing nothing. Right at that moment when I graduated and stepped out of college, all of my plans suddenly disappeared like I never planned them at all. It was replaced by anxiety, fear and uncertainty. It kind of felt like a door opened up and unleashed an enormous monster of responsibilities that suddenly was put on my shoulders. It was so overwhelming that it sucked out my rational being and left me with nothing in my brain. Until now I am still contemplating as to what I want to do. My transition from being a teenager into being a young adult was a very rough and bumpy ride, with nothing happened, it was a complete waste of time. And now that I am entering my mid 20’s, I can see that it’ll be a rougher and bumpier ride but this time, I am hoping that it’ll be a worthwhile phase and journey. This may be what they call as quarter life crisis.
I may be okay with eating 2 plates of rice, emptying 2 bags of chips, drinking a liter of soda and eating a whole bar of chocolates all by myself; I may be okay going out to the market or to the mall in my bare face despite of my bad acne; I may have no problems in those areas but the confidence to myself and to the things that I could do is the part where I’m greatly lacking and struggling. As I’ve said before, my self-esteem and self-confidence is nowhere to be found but six feet under the ground, add in me being anxious of almost everything, I’m thinking how worse it can get.
I guess I really am at the point in my life where I am forced to make decisions. Be a real adult. Learn to do and make things on my own. Figure things out on my own and not be afraid of changes. Be the real captain of my life and sail it towards the direction that I want it to be. But let’s admit it, it’s all easier said than done, right?
I do want and is very eager to turn over a page and get on to the next chapter of my life so badly but I don’t really know why I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know if I am just over-rationalizing things resulting with me being frightened so much or if I am just really holding myself back for reasons that I can’t even understand. A friend of mine have told me that if I stop being scared and start walking to my goals, I could’ve gone far by now. It’s such a torture when you know yourself that you could’ve done so much and could’ve done better but you just don’t know how.
It is just so frustrating and maddening whenever I think back of the time when my friends and I have finish nursing school, took the nursing licensure exam, got licensed and have become registered nurses all at the same time but seeing now that they are way ahead on the road and I am being left behind. I am not comparing to downgrade myself; it is to overview that I could’ve advanced in the road as much as they did, that I could’ve walked side by side with them and on their pace. Many times I have wondered why I am not as courageous as them and why I am not as confident as them. Yeah, why is that? Because maybe if I am, who knows where I could be and what I have been doing right now or if ever I will be in this situation.
Whenever I try to get back to the root of it all, I’ve always come to realize that maybe I was too focused on graduating college and getting licensed that that was exactly the entirety of my plan. Sure, I have had a vision of what my life after college would be but the reality was, I have left out or I haven’t gotten around planning it in details. Maybe that is why I am in the dark right now trying to find the door out of it. And/or maybe I really just wasn’t ready to be an adult yet that’s why I have gotten tremendously overwhelmed by the sudden change and got scared of the magnificent responsibilities that have come with it.
And so right at this moment, a question suddenly popped up out of nowhere; What now?