A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Gerry,

I am writing this letter to you as a warning maybe, of what awaits ahead of you in life. I know it was tough growing up in a confusing family background that only you and I can ever understand. It was also very hard being the eldest kid in the family as you as always worry about everything, even little things but that is just something that you cannot change about you, it is innate with you. You worry too much and you always over-rationalize things, I’d like to say that these things can make your life difficult in the future as it hinders you from doing the things that you supposed to do.

As you grow older, you’ll experience a lot of fear, doubt, envy, jealousy, and even anger. I am not telling you this to scare you in any way, this is to tell you that you’ll be spending your young adult life with these negative feelings and emotions, you’ll feel betrayed and your patience will be put to a test. This is to prepare you so that it’ll not overwhelm you too much just like what I’ve experienced or you can do something better about it, so you wouldn’t go through what I’ve gone through. With that maybe we both can have a different future. Quarter-life crisis will get you so bad, frustration and regret will be a part of your everyday life. These happened because you know, I messed up. Actually, these past couple of days, I’ve been beating myself up thinking of the things that I regret so much and the things that I could’ve done differently so I wouldn’t be stuck in this phase of my life right now. Oh how I hate that word: stuck, idle, slump, pause, just because I am so guilty of it. Yes dear, I am stuck for five long years now, still searching for answers that don’t seem to be found.

I know I sound like I complain so much about how my life has turned out and that’s because I am complaining about it and it’s nobody’s fault but me. I am to blame for all of this; I know that, so I cannot help to think that once you messed up, you can really mess up big.

As I’ve told you, I am not saying this to scare you or pressure you. I just want you to be prepared because that’s what I’ve felt before this idleness happened. I felt like I have just focused on finishing school and did not fully prepare to the life after that and that was when it all started, that was when life overwhelms me so much that it made me what I am now: a coward, irresponsible, shameless – in a way that I can only explain, and a great procrastinator.

Well, life isn’t about all the bad things, of course there are also good things that happened. I cannot list any of them as my mind is clouded with so many negativities – I know, my bad – but I know deep down in me that there are. I’ve been wishing to have a time machine so that I can go back to the time where this all started but goodness gracious! I am well aware that there’s no such thing as time machine or going back in time. I am still sane enough that I know that’s not possible and you know what? Even if ever given the chance to do that, I think I still wouldn’t change a thing because I’ve learned many things in those five years. I have definitely become more mature and slowly having a different but better mindset.

Don’t worry I’m not letting myself to end up like this forever. I may be struggling but I am thriving and surviving that’s for sure. All I want to say to you my younger me is to not be scared and be prepared – mentally- so things cannot overwhelm you so easily which makes you lose focus and forget everything you planned. When life gets difficult, just hang in there.

People and even I, may not have given you enough credit for all the things you’ve accomplish, forced to mature at  young age and basically, for getting through so much … I tell you, you are already one heck of a girl.

Always wishing you courage, confidence and happiness,
the 24-year old version of you