I am typing this up at 10:30 in the evening of January 19th. I surprisingly woke up today at around 7:15 in the morning though I didn’t sleep until like 4 am but it was one of those kind of sleep that even though it was just a few hours, it felt like you’ve had a long and quality one which made me feel so great. Too lazy to get out of bed yet, I then chatted with a guy friend and we were having a good conversation when one of my girl friend sent me a message saying that if I ever decide to go to the National Library, I should tell her and we’ll go together. I wondered why, so I replied asking if she really meant the National Library or the National Museum, because it’s the latter that I have been meaning to visit in such a long time. She confirmed the former and I asked her why would she want to hang out in the library and she answered to review and study. This was when my heart started racing.
She said that she just enrolled herself in a review center for IELTS, the english exam that needed to pass in order to work abroad. That my friends, have been my original plan. I have been wanting to take that exam also but I don’t want to waste it because as far as I know, it has only two years validity. I do not want to waste effort to pass that exam and not use it because I can’t really apply for abroad just yet since I still don’t have working experience which is a must in order to apply for a job abroad. I also felt really guilty when she told me that it should be me who’s doing that.
I felt really agitated, I found myself walking to the living room then back to my bed again many times while I was chatting with both of them. I then noticed I was having shallow breathing, followed by a little shaking of the hands and knees and actually felt like crying. I couldn’t help myself, I knew I needed to get this thing off my chest to relax so I told my guy friend about it. I told him how I suddenly felt pressured, really frustrated and just couldn’t help myself to think that me and her started college together, we graduated together, we pass the boards together but now she’s in step 3 while I am still stuck in step 1. This may sound shallow to you but it obviously isn’t for me. You have no idea how frustrating my life is right now.
I really appreciate him because he gave me advises and words of wisdom that really made sense. I appreciate that now I have someone to talk to about the things that I have never talk about even with my family or my friends. He listened to me without judgment and gave me words of encouragement and reassurance that I am just a normal human being. That I may have lost tempo in my life, there’s still a lot of time to get back and catch up with it.
The next thing I knew, I was able to slowly let go and relax. Though the morning turned stressful, I’m happy that it still ended up in a good note and gaining new realizations about myself which I am really thankful for.