Late Night Thoughts

Hey you. How have you all been doing? It has been a while, isn’t it? Me? I’m doing okay even though my mind is all over the place at the moment. Life is giving me another round of whip in the butt. Where have I been these past few months you may ask?

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I did this. This really happened.

I took a certification course that I have been wanting for years. This is my way of trying to revamp my dying – non-existent – career. If you have been following me for a while, you may know that I am a registered nurse by profession but unfortunately I haven’t been able to practice it. At first I thought it was just because I’m scared. I’m scared to make mistakes. Nurses doesn’t handle papers that when you make mistake you can just scratch it off or crumple the paper then throw it in a trash bin. As a nurse, we handle people’s lives. Just one wrong move, may it be little or not, it can jeopardize a person’s life. This fear has stuck on me since I was still in college. Now that I’ve had years to reflect about it, I’ve come to a realization that I just don’t have the talent of being a nurse.

Yes, you can learn the theories, acquire the skills but in my case, I lack the instincts. The knowledge and skills that I have gained during college, they all went flying out of the window the day after I took the nursing licensure exam. It just vanished. Not long after the exam, my brother got sick and I was so ashamed at the time because I couldn’t even remember the normal range of temperature. And that ought to be the simplest thing in the medical world that I should know even in sleep. See? There’s a difference in knowing it just because you have to than really knowing it by heart.

I’m not saying that I have the talent and/or the instincts of being an Echo Tech/Cardiac Sonographer. Even though I’m a certified one, I’m still not confident in doing it. I took the course because I remember one lecture during college, when one of our professors explained in a simple way what 2D Echo is and what it does. I remember falling head over heels with the images I saw and the sounds I heard. Since then, I told myself that I’m going to do it in the future.

Now, one month after completing the course, I’m back to being a slob. I thought once I finished the course, my life would be smooth sailing – find a job and be able to do the things that I planned to do and nada, nada, nada – obviously, that wasn’t what happened. After the course, I felt like the universe was conspiring against me, making advancing into my life difficult again.

My life at the moment is too far from the life that I have imagined before I took the course. This reminded me of a line from a movie, “Just because you want it, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get it.” When things didn’t go as planned, I suddenly felt unmotivated. It feels like I fell in a hole and something in it pulled me down even deeper and now I just can’t find my way back out.

I am not in a good state of mind right now. I’m very much aware of that. But since last week, though I feel so unmotivated, I still somehow managed to send out resumes. So for now, I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I’d get lucky to land a job.

What is life without being tripped and scathed? Thinking Face Emoji 🤔That’ll be totally boring and pointless. Am I right or am I losing my mind?

giphy-downsized

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6 thoughts on “Late Night Thoughts

  1. Hey…take it easy. Oo, registered nurse ka at kakatapos mo lang ulit ng course na iyan, pero wag mo pilitin kapag may doubt ka. I understand na gusto mo gamitin yung natapos mo pero minsan pakiramdaman mo din at baka iba ang path na dapat mong tahakin. Back in the days sabi ko magiging F&B Manager ako balang araw, pero one of my previous bosses said na mas magiging successful ako pag nag move ako sa admin. Ayaw ko nung una kasi sabi ko, hotel operations person ako at for sure matutulog lang ako pag naupo ako sa opisina at akala ko in-u-undermine nya ang kakayahan ko, pero years later I found myself sitting in front of the computer, doing better than I thought I could.

    It must be tough for you but maybe take a little break and stop thinking too much, don’t be too hard on yourself. Ang para sa iyo ay para sa iyo, darating din ‘yan.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know and I’m guilty na ayaw ko talaga masayang ang pinag-aralan ko kaya rin siguro yung alternative na naisip ko is related pa rin sa tinapos ko. I have also thought of that, that maybe I really don’t belong in the medical world. But I’d like to try this one last time ’cause you know maybe I’m being overshadowed by my fears and doubts. If it still doesn’t work, then maybe it’s time. Time to let go, venture out and explore.

      It’s funny how I sounded very put together where in fact my mind is at its most chaotic it has ever been. Quarter life crisis is so real. Good luck to me. 😆😆😆 Thank you for this. I appreciate it big time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, Gerry! I missed you here!! ❤ Beshy, magrelax ka lang. I know frustrating at mahirap yung situation mo pero wala akong pwedeng ibang sabihin kundi kaya mo yan! One day at a time. I hope may tumawag sayo na companies soon! At kung wala, girl, maraming opportunities diyan. Basta keep your eyes open and just try kahit out of your comfort zone. Wishing you the best! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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