For You

Dear M,

         It was on a very random day of December 2016 when we had exchanged and established our first Hi’s and Hello’s, little did I know that that was the start of something that I will cherished for as long as my neurons can remember. I talked to you with no expectation at all as I was so used to talking to people who were rude and plainly jerks. Then you came along. I really thought at first that you were just like the lots of them but it turned out that that wasn’t the case at all. I remember when I realized that, I was reminded of the saying “There’s always an exception to the rule.” I think I even uttered that out loud to myself with a smile on my face. Very fitting, said my mind.

          Since then, we exchanged messages every day. Your replies were one of the things that I always look forward to when I woke up to a new day. I was so glad about the fact that our conversations were not just basics or small talks – the kind of talks that for me is draining and tiring. I greatly appreciate that I found someone whom I can talk to like an actual adult and have deep conversations with pretty much about anything with no holds barred. Your open-mindedness I found so endearing and it charmed me every time. Your advises and words of wisdoms were everything to me. I learned a lot from you, that’s for sure. They may not be new to me but you were the proof that it was all possible and very doable. Your fearlessness and bravery for taking chances enchanted me. I remember I even felt jealous and envious of that at some point, well … I think I still am today to be honest. When life gave me a beating, just the thought of you could immediately pull me into positivity. You cheered me up when I was sad. You willingly listened to me when I needed to vent out even though they were the things that I had been telling you over and over again. You listened. Unbiased and non-judgmental were other qualities of yours that I admired oh so greatly. You undeniably had become a role-model for me.

          I think it’s about time to admit that you’re the one who actually made me realized that I am now more open to the thought of deepening my relationship to someone, romantically I mean. I am not going to deny that just the mere thought of that really scared the living life out of me. Exaggerated you may think but no, not really. That’s absolutely how I felt. What if I get really invested in you and then things don’t work out? What if the universe doesn’t conspire with us? Oh God, that’ll break me for sure. I was so grateful when you said that you wouldn’t rush and force me to do things and/or decisions that I am not ready for.

          These last couple of months though, I felt something different that I couldn’t quite put a finger on but now that I’m thinking about it, I think I was just in denial all this time.  Then came along your last message, I read it and it hurts. A lot. I couldn’t even get mad about it because all you said were true. Did I mention that I value your honesty and straight-forwardness too? I was with my mom when I read that message. I was barely holding my tears that I needed to excuse myself to go to the toilet, opened the faucet and let the tears rolled out.  The crushing pain in my chest was growing stronger and stronger by the second. As your words kept repeating in my head, one word kept popping to mind, TRUE. You said nothing but the truth and as they say, truth hurts. Indeed, it hurts. It was beyond annoying that I could do nothing about it but to feel guilty because I am guilty.

          You said that you would like to see me one day as a strong woman who exactly knows what she wants in life and that I am obviously not there yet. This you don’t have to tell me for I know that already, that’s one of the things that I would want for myself too. You said that for you it seems like I am confused – very confused, I said to myself – about the things that I should do, about my priorities in life and that if I do want to have someone in my life like a boyfriend or a husband. I must admit that the last one made me chuckle for a second because silly you, of course I would want that because I don’t have any intention of being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. You also said that maybe time is the key for me to figure these out. I recall myself nodding to this under the constant stream of tears falling out of my eyes and with the heaviness in my chest because I knew this too is true.

          It’s my fault that our relationship didn’t progress like the way we wanted it. You said that you’re not pointing a finger at me that this didn’t happen but again, you really didn’t have to tell me that because again, I already know that. The problem is in me. The problem is me. That made me realized that I really need to sort out myself first, feel a little settled at the very least before I can accommodate someone new in my life. And that’s what I intend to do. I am very regretful of how this all turned out. Just like you said, you wish things were different. Well, me too. How I wish I’m different, because maybe then … there might be a chance.

            Simply saying thank you wouldn’t suffice to completely express how grateful I am for you, for knowing you and for all the things I’ve learned from you. I am sad and I am regretful. I am undeniably feeling the pain like I just had a friendship breakup. It’s not a happy ending but with all the lessons learned, I think that’s where the bright side is. I am still hopeful though, that that one day will come. The day when I can reciprocate what you’re giving me and confidently accept what you’re offering for me.

          With all of this been said, I still have one last thing to say …
           Thank you for being you, mister.

 

Your Princess,
Gerry

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Warm Mornings

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The sun peeping through her window wakes her up,  her lips then breaks into a smile as she opens her still dreamy eyes whilst her mind goes on to thinking about what is more beautiful than waking up in a comfortable bed, in a gorgeous cheery bright morning with the intoxicating smell of brewing coffee wafting in the air. And to top it all that, having your man laying beside you, looking at you with those beguiling eyes as he says “Good morning beautiful. I made you breakfast.”  then gives you a smile so charming that certainly melts your heart.

All is Well

Yesterday, I woke up forty five minutes later than I usually do in a weekday.  I needed to wake my youngest brother up to make him go to school but I didn’t realized I just turned off my alarms and went back to sleep, silly me. Luckily, he still had time. I woke him up then immediately headed to the kitchen and cooked two sunny side-up eggs for his breakfast. I was so out of it that I burnt a finger when I unconsciously touched the side of the pan but that surely woke me up too. The brother has a way to frustrate me every time, even though the clock was ticking, he moved as if he had all the time in the world, no matter how many times I reminded him to move quicker as he was going to be late but it was no success. What a spoiled little mister!

When he was out of the door, I quickly changed clothes then went to the market to pick up ingredients for our foods for the day. When I get back, I just washed and put away the things I bought, washed my hands and went back to sleep. I had another two hours of sleep that were definitely not enough for my still tired mind and body.

When I woke up again at ten in the morning, I noticed that it was raining which I thought that our lunch was perfect for the weather. I cooked pork sinigang which I intentionally made nakakakilig sa asim because that’s the way I like it. Then I fed the dogs and went bad to my bed. I had no plan of sleeping again but I ended up napping for another hour.  – This is what I mean when I said that I had a very erratic sleeping habit. I have multiple interrupted sleeps everyday most days of the week. Super unhealthy. –

I was up around 1:10 in the afternoon, my dad was already gone for work, so I checked my other brother to see if he was ready for school but nope I saw him still sleeping on bed. He was sick so I just let him sleep. I ate lunch around 1:30, the pork sinigang was as cold as the weather. I was too lazy to heat it up so it didn’t taste as good as it was when hot. I still ate it while watching Ice Age: Collision Course because that was all there was on the television good enough to watch.

I made myself a steaming mug of coffee when I was done putting away the dishes that I used. Then I checked my phone and found a message. It was from the medical clinic I had sent out a resume to weeks ago. They were inviting me for an interview today. I was feeling excited actually, so I replied I will come. I felt good while I was enjoying my coffee, paying half of my attention to the movie I was watching which was Woman In Black and another half of my attention was appreciating the rain.

I was feeling so good until she had to ask for my professional experience and that spoiled everything. I knew right then and there that the interview invitation will be taken back and that actually what happened. She said that they were looking for someone who’s experienced; she thanked me for showing interest and sent me one final message saying that I can reapply again next time. What a bummer! I know.

Oh well, that’s life. I wouldn’t say anyway that I didn’t see that coming.  They gave me butterflies, let me played with them for a few minutes and then chased them all away. Pinaasa ako bes! *sigh* False hope!

On the other hand, I just like to quickly mention it now that I remember it as I’m typing this, the reason why I chose to sleep in despite the alarm yesterday morning. I was dreaming! Can you believe that? Yes, you read that correctly. I had a dream and all I can remember about that dream is that I was holding scoops of ice cream in a cone. A strawberry flavoured ice cream. I was looking at it as if I was about to devour it. And that’s all really. See how cheeky my mind is? It has been a while since the last time I remember I dreamed. I have to myself to blame for that, for having such an erratic sleeping habit.

After that rejection moment, my brothers and I watched Divergent then the rest of the night was full of eating and doing house chores. I planned on painting my nails which are in dire need of manicure but I was caught up in playing a game so I think I might do that later today instead.

I’m alright. It happens. That’s how life decided to tease me this time.

Late Night Brain Dump

Hello you guys! How have you been doing? It has been a while isn’t it? Yes, I’m still breathing and alive. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say. I just kind of feeling like writing, to get these thoughts out of my head and scribble them somewhere which is exactly what I’m doing now. Obviously.

I still don’t really know what to say and share with you. I really hate it when I feel like I have tons and tons of things crowding my mind but then the second that I actually want to write them down they all just disappear. Bummer.

Let me just start then by sharing with you that for a few weeks, I had been on a reading spree. The number of books I’ve finished recently made me so happy and satisfied but it worries me at the same time because my e-book stash is disappearing very quickly. I’m actually kind of scared that I will run out of books to read because reading is all I could do for now with the fact that we still don’t have internet yet and our television is more often than not in control by my dad and/or by my brother. I’m considering of typing up another book round-up and a few book thoughts but not quite sure yet. I don’t know if this craving to write will hold up and keep me motivated long enough to actually write them or write anything at all besides this post. We’ll just have to see then, I guess.

I miss writing poems. It has been so long since the last time I’ve written one and I’m talking about years – totally not exaggerating. I still have the poems saved here in my computer so I might be posting them from time to time. I’m still considering if I will post the tagalog ones. Should I or should I not?

I miss my friends. Badly. I miss hanging out with them. It has been a while since the last time I saw them. There had been at least a couple of birthdays that had passed that I thought were opportunities for us to meet but nope it never happened. I guess they’re just too busy tending with their own lives. I doubt we will be having our yearly tradition of going to the beach this month. How sad.

I’m also feeling jealous of my mom right now, she’s now in the province to visit our relatives there and also to visit my grandfather’s grave. They will very likely visit my hometown too which I have been dying for so long to visit again to see the house/place where I grew up in. But unfortunately, it’s something that my mom wouldn’t allow for me to do so for a very personal reason which I know of course and I totally understand.

Another thing that I’d like to share that I just happen to remember as I am typing this right now is how abnormal and erratic my sleeping pattern is nowadays. It actually bothers me and worries me a lot. I don’t know how I could keep going on and function in my day with very little sleep – with that I mean, just an hour or two of shut eye for days straight. It’s crazy I know. It’s gotten out of control for the worse that just a few days ago, my body has retaliated fiercely. I had a very bad throbbing headache for almost two days, I was feeling dizzy and nauseous as well to the point that I thought I would puke my guts out at any moment and I know for sure that it was due to my lack of sleep. I am now suddenly being bombarded with the bad effects of having lack of sleep in the body and in the mind. Oh my goodness, this needs to be addressed immediately!

I just realized that I still have many thoughts to dump but I would like to keep those things for myself, it’s kind of a sensitive matter for me at the moment. I’ll just write them down somewhere else that only I know where and only I can read.

Now, it’s a no brainer for me that I badly need to get my life together. I promised myself not to be so pessimistic anymore so I need to dispel this budding negativity hovering around me. I’ll just keep reminding myself that if anyone can, why can’t I? Am I right? I have read somewhere that there’s nothing you cannot do/achieve if you have the right mindset. And I totally agree with that.

So, for anyone out there who’s also going through something these days, let’s just hang in there friends!

Brain Dump

Hello September! Seriously, someone please slow down this thing called time. Tell it not to be in so much hurry. I’m really losing my mind here. It’s my birthday month, I’m officially turning a year older next week and to be honest, I am not so excited about that. Just the thought of my birthday coming up is giving me so much pressure. About life. My life. What have I been doing all this time? Really. Does someone know? Me? I don’t. I’m as clueless as any other person I ask.

What in the world?! Am I really this hopeless? Frustration and disappointment is such a combo I’m living in nowadays. It’s like a perfect pair for ruined confidence. They’re the very things I’m seeing in my mom’s eyes and hearing in my mom’s words. How about that? Guilt trip. If there’s one person I’d like to please, that’ll be my mom. Before I was wishing that she should start to slowly loosen her grip on me with her being the overprotective mom that she is. But now, I notice that she’s already doing just that. She always tells me that she’s hoping and praying that I’d get my lazy butt up and get out of this ‘slump‘ and to actually start to get my life together. I even heard her tell her friends one afternoon that she’s hoping for me to get married. And in my mind I was like, “What the heck is she talking about?” then she continued that it’s a little impossible at the moment since I don’t even date yet. How I wish someone saw the smug on my face when I heard that and even now as I am thinking about it.

Obviously, she had expected so much more from me than being just a couch potato, a slob, a bum whatever you want to call it. The only motivation I have now is her scream of happiness and pride when I passed the nursing licensure exam. She prided herself to her friends the fact that I passed the board exam in one try right after college. She of course then expected that I’d get my first job in the same year after a few months of resting which for her meant that of me getting ready to dive into the so called real world. But the few months turned into six years. Can you believe that? Who wouldn’t be so frustrated and disappointed about that? In that sense, I’m pathetic and I’m greatly ashamed of it. It was never my intention but it happened nonetheless. There’s nothing to say about it but that I highly highly regretted these six years of me being an extra mouth to feed, an extra body that crowd our house and an extra person that my parents have to worry about.

So, do you see now where this humongous pressure I’m feeling right now coming from? I’m getting older. I cannot deny that and all I want really is to finally be able to grow up but of course as life is unfair, realizing it is just one thing, you still have to follow through and actually do it. Why is adulthood so hard and complicated?

When someone says, if they have my diploma, if they have my license, if they have my age, they for sure – this words are always emphasized – have already gone far. You have no idea how many times I have been told that. Sounds so easy, right? But is it really just that easy? Because if it is then maybe I’m stupider that I think I am.

Does maturity really comes with age? In my case, maybe it is because now I am becoming more aware of my decisions and actions but I know I can still be as immature as ever. All I know at this moment is that, I may have lost my timing, my rhythm, my plan and even myself; I still have the ability to get back up again. So, go lang ng go.

Now, enough of this ranting and negativities.

September is supposed to be for good vibes. We should start feeling the tickle of excitement as it slowly builds up to the thrill, fun and enjoyment for the holiday season. I know it is my birthday month even without a calendar when I hear Christmas songs and Jose Mari Chan’s music playing somewhere or everywhere really. I don’t know what to say anymore so I think I have to end this post now. The end.

The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks – ČuvarAfter reading the last book that I’ve read entitled Second Life by S.J Watson which undeniably gave me an ambiguous thoughts and feelings about it, I realized I was feeling something light to read next. Something that I know will get me in some way. I was scrolling through my ebooks and Nicholas Sparks name was waving at me and I said to myself why not.

The Guardian tells a story about Julie Barenson who was widowed at the young age of twenty-five but her husband left her a letter telling her that he has gotten her a puppy, a great dane that she named Singer, for her to have as a company since she has no family and also a promise that even though he was already gone he would still always be watching over her. Now four years later, the twenty-nine year old Julie started dating as she feels like she’s ready to commit again. But who to choose? Richard Franklin who is a sophisticated engineer who treats her like a queen or Mike Harris who is down to earth and happens to be her husband’s best friend?

————————————- NOTE: MAY CONTAIN SPOILER! —————————————–

For me, the beginning was a little slow but I wasn’t really greatly bothered by that. I liked the fact that the story has a dog involved in it, maybe it’s the dog-lover in me. I absolutely adored Singer, him being a Great Dane and of course his personality. I loved how Julie gradually realized her feelings for Mike. I really loved the fact that Julie and Mike has been friends for years before they even recognized their true feelings for each other. I am such a sucker for that. I really dig that. I found myself smiling and feeling so kilig with their interactions.

As for character development, I may be blinded with all the romance but I thought I didn’t see much of that. The plot and the twists, I didn’t find them shocking or new. In other words, it has been predictable. It was nothing that I haven’t read before but I didn’t mind that as it’s the details in the story that I am always interested about.

One other thing that I loved about this novel was when I discovered that this story was not entirely just romance. The first half yes it was all romance – cheesy and sweet – but the latter half was thriller. Can you believe it? If you have been a long time reader of mine, you know me and my love for thrillers. It was the part that I did not expected. I did not see that coming at all. I really felt like I was in my element while reading that part.

All in all, The Guardian is a fun and entertaining read. I enjoyed my journey reading this. Will I recommend this? Yes, especially if you’re someone who likes romance and thriller and the mixture of it, this may be a treat for you.

Second Life by S.J Watson

aaSecond Life is a psychological thriller written by S.J Watson who is the same writer of the successful novel Before I Go To Sleep which I remember I liked.

The book is about Julia who is living a happy life in London with her husband, Hugh, and a teenage son, Connor, when suddenly her world is shaken up when her sister, Kate, was murdered in Paris. She’s convinced that the police isn’t doing the best they can to catch the culprit, so Julia decides to take matters into her own hands. She finds her sister’s filofax and inside sees something that might be a username and a password for a website that her sister frequented. Aware of the danger, she dives into the world of cybersex, living another life by trying to pretend she’s Kate which to her seems like a good idea in the hope that she may lure her sister’s killer into captive. But soon realizes she’s falling more than what she bargained for.

This is one of those books that you’ll either love or hate. I found the first part really slow moving and repetitive to the point that turning the pages and continue reading has become a real struggle for me. I’m a fan of thriller books because of the suspense, the thrill, the mystery and the feeling of adrenaline pumping through your veins which is undeniably addicting. But I didn’t feel any of that on the first half of this book which was frustrating for me.

I don’t know what’s the aim of the author for the readers to feel about Julia but for me I found her character so hateful. I don’t know if she’s dense or just plainly stupid. Even though she knows what the consequences she may have out of a certain decision but she still do it anyway. She knows that she may put her family’s welfare into danger especially her son’s but she still can’t stop herself from doing it which may have to do in a topic that this book touches on, addiction. It shows how addiction can affect one’s mental state, behavior and decision making skills.

On the second half of the book, the story slowly picked up then the twists and turns struck one after the other. It was the part that has partly satisfied the thriller-enthusiast inside me. The scenes has become gripping and exciting, one of those can’t-put-down-the-book moment until one final bomb thrown and boom! That finally spoiled it for me. The finale left me dumbfounded. I remember being wide eyed with furrowed eyebrows and the words “WHAT?! That’s it? That’s all?” came out of my mouth enough for everyone in my house to hear. It was a huge cliffhanger. I dislike cliffhangers like that because it leaves me unanswered questions. Did she or did she not?

This isn’t the first time that I have read something that has an open-ended finale and I don’t have anything against that as long as it works. It’ll give the readers their own interpretations, their own assumptions and they have to work on their own imaginations as to what might have happened next and that’s a good thing. It’s like the authors leave that part in the minds of the readers. But this time, in this book, I just don’t think it worked on me.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think it’s not that bad after all actually. Maybe my dissatisfaction at the time of reading rooted from the immense curiosity that I have as to what might happen next, I was so engrossed to know what will Julia do and then I was left hanging.

All in all it’s not too bad of a read, maybe it’s just too slow moving for me, the adrenaline rush, the kind of thrill and suspense that I seek isn’t there. If you don’t mind reading characters like Julia who is not your typical kind of heroine or protagonist then might as well give this a read. I read reviews that some people actually loved this book.