When life gives you lemons …

Hey you all my friends, it has been a long while huh. How are you all doing? I hope all is well. As for me, it has been the same old, same old. Very interesting, I know.

The long weekend is sadly coming to an end very soon. It feels so short and seems like I haven’t done anything that I planned on doing and here I am already dreading going back to work the day after tomorrow.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job, it’s just that I am only human. When you work thirteen days straight and have only one day off and repeat it can be exhausting, not only physically but mentally as well. I feel so consumed.

Being an adult is very difficult indeed, in all aspects.

My mind can’t seem to relax nowadays. I may look like I am chilling but deep inside, I am in chaos. When I think about how my life is going and my future, I feel scared. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel lonely. No, I am not depressed. This is just my usual over-thinker self.

I feel hollow too. I somehow feel like I am a robot. Just doing, not actually living.

It feels like I need to figure out the next chapter in my life. Or this could be another “what-the-heck-am-I-doing-with-my-life” crisis, version II. It’s like I’m just driving aimlessly. No direction. No specific place to pursue.

“How to get back on the road?”  My frantic mind yelled.

I need to come up with a goal: plan it, do it, and follow-through. Just like that, sounds easy right? But we all know it is more than that.

Learning your next step is somewhat doable but if the universe doesn’t cooperate and chooses to give you situations that are more disadvantageous to you, how would you carry on? How to stay motivated? How to stay on track?

LIFE LATELY: A BRAIN DUMP

Good day my friends! How are you all? It’s currently the 6th of June, wait … what? How is it June already? Seriously? Not too long ago the New Year just rolled in and now we’re already almost halfway of the year. It’s unbelievable how time flies so fast.

So what’s up with me? Allow me to de-clutter my mind.

i. Nothing much actually aside from the fact that I’m officially a salary woman. Yay! It has been a long time coming but yeah I am a working lady, people. I started working as a clinic nurse October of last year. Work is doable, tiring yes, but it’s the kind of tiredness that feels worth it. I lay in bed at night after a long day at work with sore muscles but I’m grateful because it’s from being productive. Sure, there are a lot of stresses too but it’s greatly helpful to have friendly and bubbly workmates which makes the job fun too. A lot of teasing, laughing and eating and they love to banter just like how siblings does, that usually makes the highlight of my day.

ii. With me having an income somehow eases the burden financially in our household. I can only pay for our monthly rent, that’s all my salary can afford but that’s already a huge sigh of relief for us to no longer worry about getting kicked out of the apartment and be homeless. I’m able to bring home a few groceries with me from time to time when I hadn’t spent my daily allowance for a few days.

iii. My brother and his girlfriend have been staying with us since last month because the girl is due to deliver their baby any moment from now. My mom didn’t like it at first but now she’s more excited meeting the baby than being pissed with them. They decided to stay with us so the girl will not be left alone while my brother works as she nears her due date. They will have to stay with us probably for a few more months until they both are comfortable to be left alone with their baby. They’re both first time parents so they will need a lot of guidance and support especially from my parents.

iv. With my younger brother soon going to be a dad just made me feel that I am actually getting old, given that I am already turning 30 in a few months definitely made me realized that I am no longer a child. I cannot put into words how exactly I am feeling but it’s a weird feeling for sure. I am like in between being in denial and acceptance.

v. Since I started working, it seemed like I can barely do anything else in my day aside from the time I spend at work. When I come home, more often than not, I fall asleep once I hit the pillow. It has been a routine of mine that once I changed into my lounge wear or pajamas, I lay in bed to straighten my back then the next thing I know, my alarm is waking me up the next day. I used to have trouble sleeping, I even call myself a zombie or a vampire but nowadays, in most days I sleep like a baby.

vi. I am extremely itching to redecorate our house. I want to get rid of our old things and furnitures which have seen better days. I want a complete revamp of our home stuff. No, this is not me being wasteful. I just want a refresh. Most of our home stuff we have been using since my high school days and that was ages ago. I want our home to look a bit more modern yet still cosy. Honestly, these things have been a constant reminder for me of that dark phase in my life that I don’t want to remember so I really want to get rid of them.

Considering how very limited my fund is, this will be a long time project.   

vii. In line with revamping our home stuff, I also want a complete refresh of my personal stuff, from my wardrobe to my gadgets. Again, this is not me being maluho or luxurious. A lot of my clothes I’ve been wearing since my college days. , I’m no longer a teenager. So I need to dress and walk my age, don’t you think?

My bags, laptop and phone are all hand me downs from my mom. My laptop is old and outdated. I’m still okay with it since it’s still functional until it started acting up. It shuts down and restarts on itself. It’s getting slow. A lot of its apps and softwares are outdated. The most annoying thing of all is that the keyboard is busted. A number of its keys don’t work anymore.

viii. Another thing, this girl is in dire need of a haircut. My hair has been so wild like a lion’s mane. My hair is thick and so frizzy and considering how humid this country is, this hair in the head of mine just couldn’t be tamed. I plan on getting it sorted one of these days. I just need to figure out when I can get it done because Sundays are my only days off and we all know on Sundays, a lot of businesses are closed which is a bummer.

ix. I am really itching to get dental braces. Not because I want to be trendy but because I really need to. I have been trying to get it for ages, it just always doesn’t happen. I’m setting aside my 13th month pay for that so, soon teeth. It’ll be soon.

x. Anyone out there who can teach me how to properly manage time please? My hobbies have been neglected and forgotten. A huge chunk of my time is spent working in the clinic, I feel like I couldn’t do anything else because when I come home, I’d rather rest and sleep. I’ve been intending to get back to exercising but I just don’t know how I can fit it in my day or if I still have the energy to do so. I also miss reading, books and blogs too. I miss writing and this blog. Add in my want to learn to play ukulele. How?

So many plans but not one gets done, at least for now.

xi. Also, anyone who knows a cute name or endearment for tita/auntie? I want to be called by my niece with something cute, not just tita or auntie. Those will be reminder that I am at that age already.

Please, excuse this lady who gets a bit sensitive with her age.

That’s all for now, friends.

How about you, did you go through a phase where you get sensitive with your age too? I’m curious. I’d like to know I’m not the only one.

to new beginnings, full of hope

Damn you 2020! I know most of us can agree to that. Last year was just chaos after chaos. *insert me sighing here.* I am just glad that 2020 is finally over. When a new year rolls in, there’s just something cathartic about it, liberating even from all the madness of the past year. The beauty of it is that, it gives us hope, surges of motivation and optimism for the days ahead of us. We all are feeling excited and looking forward to start anew. That’s how I feel, especially this time. Maybe because I know that I have already taken a step forward, away from that ugly, dark place that I have been idled in for so long. I don’t want to go back to that place ever again. It’s not a good place to stay in.

2020 has made me realized a lot of things. One of the huge realizations I have taken away was that it’s okay now to loosen the grip I have on the reign when it comes to my family. I was reminded that my brothers are all grown up now; our youngest is 17 years old. They may still behave and think like a child at times but they are more than capable now of being mature in dealing, handling and comprehending things and situations. That somehow lifted some weight in my shoulders, which really was a huge deal for me.

So I welcomed 2021 with a more positive, open and hopeful heart for the months and the days to come. I’m not saying that life will be easier now, I don’t think so. It’s just that my soul is feeling a lot freer. With that, I intend for 2021 to be about rediscovering and exploring more of myself, to nourish me without feeling guilty.

Ang Babaeng Balisa at Problemada

Ilang araw ko ring pinag-isipan kung dapat bang aking mga saloobin ay sa papel isulat. Ilang araw ko ring sinubukan ngunit sa huli ay laging hindi nangyayari. May ideya ka na ba kung gaano katindi ang kaguluhan sa loob ng aking isipan? Sa tuwing hawak ko na ang panulat at ang papel, ang mga salita, bagay o mga pangyayaring laging sumisigaw na waring sa akin ay nagsusumamo ng pansin ay bigla na lamang nawawala na parang bula. Bakit? Natatakot ba na sila ay sa papel mailapat? Bakit? Natatakot ba sila na kapag sa papel ay matagumpay na nailipat ay sa wakas ay matatapos na ang sa akin ay kanilang paggambala? “Sana nga.” Wari ng aking isip. “Sana nga talaga.” Isa pa nitong sambit.

Kaya naman heto ako at sumusubok. Pinag-isipan ko pa kung ito ba ay aking isusulat sa wikang tunay na aking salita o sa wikang banyaga na tunay na hiram lamang. Sa anong wika ko nga ba lubos na maipapahatid ang aking tunay na saloobin? May mga tanong na naman na biglang dumating at sa akin ay gumugulo. Handa ba ako na aking mga diwa’t damdami’y ipaalam o ipabasa sa ibang tao? Paano kung husgahan lamang nila ako? Ipapaskil ko ba ito o sarilihin ko na lang ulit at hayaang nakaipit sa pahina ng kwadernong aking pinagsulatan?

Teka, ito ay kailangan ko nga talagang pag-isipan. Kaya naman ako ay tumayo, lumabas ng aking kwarto at sa kusina ay nagtungo. Kumuha ng isang malaking babasaging baso, naglagay ng mga yelong hugis kwadrado, ibinuhos ang likidong kulay itim na kilala sa tawag na kape at saka kumuha at nilagay ang pahabang metal na gamit pangsipsip. Kumuha na rin ako ng bilog na platito at naglagay ng tatlong pirasong pandesal at pagkatapos ay pumanhik na pabalik sa aking silid. Inilapag ang mga dala sa ibabaw ng aking munting mesa, kumagat ng pandesal at sumipsip ng kape na bahagya ng lumamig. Kinuha ang panulat, hawak ito, ipinuwesto ang kamay sa ibabaw ng kwaderno upang ang isinusulat ay maipagpatuloy ngunit . . . ano na nga ba ulit ang aking isusulat?

Hindi ko maalala. Ikaw na nagbabasa, alam mo ba? Pakisabi naman baka sakaling sa aking isip ay bumalik.

Wala na. Wala na talaga. Sabaw na naman ang utak ng babaeng balisa at problemada.

Dismayado. Inubos ko na lamang ang aking malamig na kape sa isang dire-diretsong pagsipsip gamit ang metal na istro sabay wari sa sarili “Paano na?” Maisusulat ko pa ba ang mga binalak kong isulat? Maiaalis ko pa ba ang mga diwang gumugulo sa isipan patungo sa puting pahina ng kwadernong ito? Pinalipas ko ang ilang sandali habang blangkong nakatitig sa puti kong pader, nagbabaka sakaling may sagot na dumating. Ngunit wala. Wala talaga. Kaya naman nagkibit-balikat na lamang at saka nagsabing “Baka mamaya. Baka bukas. Malay natin.”

Thoughts That Are Crowding My Head Lately

Hello, you beautiful creatures of this planet! How’s it going? I hope all is going well for you all. As for me, everything’s going the same. Quite stressed out on most days and relaxed on other days with Yiruma’s playlist playing in the background which greatly helps in calming me down. And since today is a day of the former, might as well dump and transcribe some of these thoughts into words in the hope that maybe it could clear out at least a little bit of space in this very crowded brain of mine. In doing so, I could use that space for the more worthwhile thoughts, yeah?

i. Should I go shorter or just go for a trim? For months now, I’m feeling a bit rebellious about my hair. For the longest time I really want to cut my hair short as in shoulder length short. The last time I’ve gotten my hair that short was when I was ten or eleven years old. I also fancy getting some bangs at the same time. I know for myself that this is me being overly ambitious because one, my hair type and texture is difficult to work with which is the reason why the hairdresser that I usually go to strongly opposed the idea of me going short. Two, short hair and bangs, it may not seem like it but in reality they are harder to maintain than long hair and I doubt myself if I have the patience for that.

ii. Less rice, please! Oh my goodness, would you believe that I can eat three plates of rice? Uhhmmm … Yeah, I do that. Oooppps! And the body is totally rebelling against me now. It’s really undeniable. My clothes are getting tighter and tighter by the day and it’s starting to low-key bother me. And my mom makes sure to inform me that every time she sees me.

iii. Don’t neglect yourself, please lady! This says my brain to me as I am again deep into being a slob. I mean if I don’t shower every day I don’t know if I would still look like a human.

iv. Let’s get the gears on your head up and running. Create. There are a number of projects or should I say hobbies that I want to do that I think can help me appease or escape from this growing anxiety inside of me. I need to do something that’ll occupy my mind aside from just being in my laptop for the whole day. Recently, I rediscovered my fascination with crocheting so why not give it a go and do it again. It’s not an expensive hobby either, for a beginner at least. I’m thinking of doing something that I can use like cell phone/laptop covers, coasters and dish cloths for starters.  I just really have to remember to buy a hook and some yarn. Seriously, do them now, Gerry.

v. Get those booties moving. Since I’ve gained weight, I also would like to take on a 30-day workout challenge. There’s a ton of videos on Youtube, thank goodness for that which makes our life a tad bit easier. I decided to try on Emi Wong’s workout videos because I’ve seen a lot of positive feedbacks of success from people who tried and diligently did her workouts which really boosted my motivation to exercise. Not gonna lie, this is going to be a hard challenge and the chances of me exercising everyday will depend on a couple of reasons so we’ll see.

vi. Can someone gift me a French press, please? I miss waking up in the morning with the aroma of roast coffee freshly brewing wafting in the air but since our coffee maker broke, I did my coffee manually in the stovetop which made me realize that a French press will do perfect for me for I am the only one who drinks black coffee in our house. I think that a French press is a cheaper than a coffee maker so that works for me.

vii. Better budgeting. I am the one who handles our budget for every day expenses and every day I am somewhat dumbfounded of how much I spend even on just food alone. Our family’s finances are a lot tighter these days because rent, bills and tuition fees are very damaging to everyone’s wallet. So in light of that I just want to make an effort to save a little bit more therefore I need to find a better budgeting strategy than just continuously letting my brothers to eat two pieces of chicken each every single time.

viii. Dress better, girl! One undeniable reason that contributes to me feeling like crap every day is that I look like crap every day. And I’m not even kidding. Dishevelled uncombed hair, worn-out clothes that have seen better years, kitty chewed-on slippers and just plainly being a sweaty mess most of the time is my every day fashion. How elegant and attractive, right? I suddenly remember Heart Evangelista in one of her videos that she dresses up and do her make-up every day and even wear heels at home just because. I’m not saying that I’ll start wearing heels at home too but at least dress better to look more like a proper lady.

ix. Stop holding yourself back! Stop feeling so guilty over little things.  Stop feeling so shy. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop thinking as to what other people think of you and about the decisions/choices that you make.  You do you, girl! You do you.

Now let’s hustle, shall we?

November Intentions

I am finding it hard to believe that it’s already November. Clearly, I am still in denial that we’re roughly only two months away before a new year rolls in. Since I pretty much failed this year yet again, I thought there’s still two months left so why not at least attempt to make something worthwhile out of it.

READ AGAIN.

Since I decided to stop myself from binge watching Korean drama series or any series for that matter, I thought I might as well start reading again. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I think it’s time to completely clear out the remaining e-books that has been sitting in my google drive for so long so that I can fill it again with new titles. Actually I am only compelled to refrain watching k-dramas just because I ran out of series to watch and the ones that I want to watch are still ongoing but the thing about me though is that I don’t to watch a series  unless it’s already completed.  I am just way too impatient to wait for a week for the next episode.

BE MORE DILIGENT ABOUT MY SELF-CARE RITUALS.

This includes the little routines that I do for myself that contributes to my overall well-being. Instead of doing it just whenever I remember them which are next to never, I thought why not regularly do it. I already set reminders for this so the forgetful being of me is not going to be an excuse anymore.  This is me trying to outwit myself.

TRY A NEW RECIPE A WEEK.

I mentioned in my previous post that I want to serve my family healthier foods. This will be like a trial-and-error in the hope of exploring or trying out more foods that my family may like.

ATTEND A MASS EVERY SUNDAY.

I had been neglectful of this since we moved but now I want to get back in the groove of going to mass again and also praying at night. I’m not really a very religious person and I only know one prayer but there’s just something whenever I go to church and hear a mass that I find comforting and soothing. It’s like its mending the broken gaps of my soul. Dramatic, I know. Since I’m in such a disheveled state right now, this I know will be of great help for me for sure.

FIND ANOTHER CREATIVE HOBBY.

Writing and I seems like we’re having a lover’s quarrel nowadays for the reason that writing doesn’t like me anymore so before writing completely dump me, I need me to find another creative hobby. I’m thinking now is the good time to learn the ukulele but sadly, I still don’t have a ukulele. If anyone out there is thinking of giving me a present, yes you can gift me ukulele and for sure my heart will be full with so much happiness and gratefulness. Thanks to you, whoever you are. Thank you very much in advance. 😂😂😂 Since the ukulele is undoable for now, I’m thinking maybe I should try drawing/sketching. I do not have a wild and wide imagination and I do not have a good hand to draw good sketches. My drawings are as good as of that of a kindergarden child but still it is something that I know I do enjoy doing.

So yeah, those are what I would strive to attain for this month. I know I always fail at this sort of thing but who knows, I might really do them this time.

Random Thoughts: A Brain Dump

How are you all doing my friends? Hoping all is well. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say here. I’ve read quite a few posts today that it sort of propelled me to open my word document even though I have no idea what to write. I am just kind of winging this out. Well as they say if you don’t know where or how to begin, you can always start at the simplest/easiest step you can do. It may be as simple as opening a blank document. Don’t under estimate these little things because you may never know where it can lead you. Am I right?

Since it has come to this, please allow me to ramble and scribble down whatever that pops up in this chaotic mind of mine …

1. I miss writing. Oh goodness! Do you have any idea how frustrated I feel right now for not being able to write anything for so long? I miss writing proses, poems even haikus like I used to. I couldn’t help to think that the little creativity and imagination that I have has already left me. And this blog? It already seemed like I had abandoned it ages ago. I need to refocus to the goal I had when I created this blog.

2. I should start taking journaling seriously. I am convinced that I am one of those people that jotting down to paper the messes in my mind helps greatly in clearing up some space in my brain resulting to more organized thoughts and positive mood.

3. Getting back in shape is another thing that I should take seriously. I’m not saying that I should go all out to get a Victoria Secret model’s body. That’s impossible. What I mean by getting back in shape is to shed the few kilos I’ve gained from having a sedentary lifestyle. I believe I am now in my heaviest in all of my life. I don’t need a weighing scale to confirm that as I can already see and feel it in my middle section, cheeks, thighs, love handles and in the overall mood and feel of my body. We have a stationary bike, a set of dumb bells, an exercise ball and a yoga mat so I do not have any excuse now do I? But I still prefer to run though …

4. I should cook more and healthier. Thinking what to feed my family is a huge challenge in our household because my family prefers a carnivore and unhealthy diet. I couldn’t help but feel guilty whenever I constantly serve them fried, processed and even canned foods. I know I need to be sneakier and more creative to make them eat healthier.

5. I should take a break from watching Korean drama series. This has pretty much taken over my life for months now and it’s not helping me at all aside from providing me escape from the real horrors of my reality. I should get back to reading and exercising instead.

6. I love listening to OPM again. I am so happy that our music is slowly getting back at it again. The Pinoy Chart Toppers playlist on Spotify has been on repeat for me these days. I am loving the sound of OPM again.

7. I failed this year. I am more than aware of that and there’s no one to blame for this but me and my indecisiveness, pride and cowardice. There’s not one thing in my goals to achieve this year has happened. It’s another year that has been thrown away and I greatly regret it. I do not want to beat myself up for it anymore; instead I’ll focus on gaining the right motivation and exerting more effort in order to work twice or thrice as hard as I needed to so I can take one step at a time closer to my goals.

8. Growing herbs and vegetables has been lingering in my mind for quite some time now. It’s not that I use a lot of herbs when I cook; I only plan on growing peppermint for now so I can use it as tea. I already had one but it died as it was planted directly exposed to sun, now I know better. With vegetables, I want to try growing tomatoes, calamansi, spring onions and chillis. People say when you enjoy black coffee and gardening, it means that you’re old. I enjoy black coffee and I am already considering growing some veggies, does it mean I’m old? Having a garden has always been in my bucket list.

9. I meant it when I said I want to learn to play ukulele. I couldn’t start learning it for now as I don’t own a ukulele just yet but one day. Anyone who can teach me?

10. I should drink less coffee and consume tea instead as a healthier alternative. I know that my coffee drinking habit has contributed to my weight gain as I drink instant coffee mix up to four cups a day. For now, I opt for the classic black with just milk on it and I refused to drink another cuppa unless I’ve already drink two tumblers worth of water. I’m doing well on this so far, though I still crave that sugary instant coffee.

I think I should end this here for now. I didn’t know I already blabbered that much. Since this post is random and the content is random, do you have anything that you want to share? Anything at all? I don’t mind how random that is and certainly am not judging. Just share away.

What’s Up With Me?

Hello you beautiful people of the world! Hi! How are you? Gerry here. Still alive and thankfully still human. Oh my goodness! It’s been so long isn’t it?  How are you guys doing? I feel like I’ve been gone for like a hundred long years, what an exaggeration I know. Though I was able to dropped some likes and comments here and there but still, obviously it wasn’t enough to keep up.

I feel like a lot has happened since the last time I posted on here but now that I’m thinking about it, I feel otherwise. You may or may not know that the main reason as to why I had been somewhat inactive on this blog was because I didn’t have internet, if I remember it correctly, I think it was since around July or August of last year. Why, you may ask? I wouldn’t go into details but  I can tell you it was because of my brother’s great doing. I remember my parent’s and I were so shocked when we saw that our internet’s bill suddenly skyrocketed off the roof. It amounted more or less to all of our utility bills combined. My mom was so pissed because it still happened despite of my mom and I’s constant reminder to them. So what my mom did was that she didn’t pay the bill at all. It was just one person’s mistake but all of us suffered. Lesson learned … don’t pissed my mom.

Another reason as to why my mom did that was that it was that time around when my parents contemplated about moving apartment. We were just not happy anymore with our previous home. It already harbored a lot of negative vibes and energies. We were all dreading coming home to that apartment. It caused us stress and distress so it wasn’t really homey and pleasant anymore. We were all bad tempered and we were all fighting and arguing most of the time. I know it’s so lame blaming these stuff on a house but I do agree with the notion that our environment plays a vital role in influencing us … with how we behave, how we think, how we deal with things, how we decide and so on and so forth.

It has been a challenge looking for an apartment because 1. we’re on a budget, 2. we’re too many, we’re seven person in the family and 3. we have pets – three dogs and a cat. My mom told me that landlords nowadays prefers up to five people maximum in an apartment and no pets which were bummers because she had found a number of nice apartments that’s within the budget but couldn’t really get it because of the said reasons. Frustrating, I know. That’s why it had taken quite a while before we moved.

On December, we started packing and by we I mean my mom and I. It was kind of a slow process at first as we don’t really know when we can move yet. I started going through our stuff, one category at a time. I disposed of the things we don’t really need or use anymore and boxed those that we do need. I did one or two boxes a day then after that I binge watch k-dramas because why not, that’s my only happiness at the time. We powered through Christmas and New Year with our house in chaos, full of boxes and only with the most basic stuff. I even had a little accident in the kitchen just 3 hours before new year. I burned myself whilst trying to start our oven. The fire literally went past me, by my face actually. I burned a little of my hair (the ones that had unraveled out of my braid especially those under my ears and my baby bangs), my eyebrows, eyelashes and also four fingers in my right hand. Yeah, that happened.

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My mom witnessed that, she was so shocked, all she said was to asked me if I’m alright.  The only thing going on in my mind at that time was that “Did I lose my eyebrows? Do I now look like Voldemort?”.  I was so worried about my brows that my mom had a lot of fun teasing me about not knowing how to draw them. Yes people, I don’t do my brows. I am so grateful for being born with a naturally ‘shaped’ eyebrows but with that incident, the arch area in my right eyebrow has become sparse. It looks like I have a bald spot there but not really. It’s not that noticeable but I do notice it every time I look in the mirror. So now, that’s what I’m attempting to learn, on how to do the brows because it’s really bothering me and my mom just won’t shut up about it. I even bought myself an eyebrow pencil recently but never tried to use it yet. Will I ever learn? That’s the million dollar question.

Then comes January 2018, the first two weeks consisted still with a series of packing, packing, packing and more packing until one afternoon my mom said to me pack everything, we’re moving that evening. Everything that day happened so fast that I didn’t know what day that was. Up to now, I still couldn’t remember the exact date of that very night we moved into our new apartment. All I can remember was that it was around the fourth week of January.

Now that we’ve moved and all settled in this new home, all seems lighter and brighter, literally and figuratively. We’re happier. I sleep oh so so so much better. I now usually sleep around midnight and wakes up to a bright morning. I now usually get more than 6 hours of sleep a day. I mean who wouldn’t be happy with that? Am I right? There are still nights that I stay up until 2 or 3 am but that’s it.

Wait … I intended this post to be a quick greeting, just to popped in your newsfeed and say Hi! but I didn’t notice I already blabbered so much and spouted all these words. Oopps! Well, I better end this here.

 

May we all have a wicked day!!! A good kind of wicked, okay? 😉

 

Gerry over and out. 😀

For You

Dear M,

         It was on a very random day of December 2016 when we had exchanged and established our first Hi’s and Hello’s, little did I know that that was the start of something that I will cherished for as long as my neurons can remember. I talked to you with no expectation at all as I was so used to talking to people who were rude and plainly jerks. Then you came along. I really thought at first that you were just like the lots of them but it turned out that that wasn’t the case at all. I remember when I realized that, I was reminded of the saying “There’s always an exception to the rule.” I think I even uttered that out loud to myself with a smile on my face. Very fitting, said my mind.

          Since then, we exchanged messages every day. Your replies were one of the things that I always look forward to when I woke up to a new day. I was so glad about the fact that our conversations were not just basics or small talks – the kind of talks that for me is draining and tiring. I greatly appreciate that I found someone whom I can talk to like an actual adult and have deep conversations with pretty much about anything with no holds barred. Your open-mindedness I found so endearing and it charmed me every time. Your advises and words of wisdoms were everything to me. I learned a lot from you, that’s for sure. They may not be new to me but you were the proof that it was all possible and very doable. Your fearlessness and bravery for taking chances enchanted me. I remember I even felt jealous and envious of that at some point, well … I think I still am today to be honest. When life gave me a beating, just the thought of you could immediately pull me into positivity. You cheered me up when I was sad. You willingly listened to me when I needed to vent out even though they were the things that I had been telling you over and over again. You listened. Unbiased and non-judgmental were other qualities of yours that I admired oh so greatly. You undeniably had become a role-model for me.

          I think it’s about time to admit that you’re the one who actually made me realized that I am now more open to the thought of deepening my relationship to someone, romantically I mean. I am not going to deny that just the mere thought of that really scared the living life out of me. Exaggerated you may think but no, not really. That’s absolutely how I felt. What if I get really invested in you and then things don’t work out? What if the universe doesn’t conspire with us? Oh God, that’ll break me for sure. I was so grateful when you said that you wouldn’t rush and force me to do things and/or decisions that I am not ready for.

          These last couple of months though, I felt something different that I couldn’t quite put a finger on but now that I’m thinking about it, I think I was just in denial all this time.  Then came along your last message, I read it and it hurts. A lot. I couldn’t even get mad about it because all you said were true. Did I mention that I value your honesty and straight-forwardness too? I was with my mom when I read that message. I was barely holding my tears that I needed to excuse myself to go to the toilet, opened the faucet and let the tears rolled out.  The crushing pain in my chest was growing stronger and stronger by the second. As your words kept repeating in my head, one word kept popping to mind, TRUE. You said nothing but the truth and as they say, truth hurts. Indeed, it hurts. It was beyond annoying that I could do nothing about it but to feel guilty because I am guilty.

          You said that you would like to see me one day as a strong woman who exactly knows what she wants in life and that I am obviously not there yet. This you don’t have to tell me for I know that already, that’s one of the things that I would want for myself too. You said that for you it seems like I am confused – very confused, I said to myself – about the things that I should do, about my priorities in life and that if I do want to have someone in my life like a boyfriend or a husband. I must admit that the last one made me chuckle for a second because silly you, of course I would want that because I don’t have any intention of being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. You also said that maybe time is the key for me to figure these out. I recall myself nodding to this under the constant stream of tears falling out of my eyes and with the heaviness in my chest because I knew this too is true.

          It’s my fault that our relationship didn’t progress like the way we wanted it. You said that you’re not pointing a finger at me that this didn’t happen but again, you really didn’t have to tell me that because again, I already know that. The problem is in me. The problem is me. That made me realized that I really need to sort out myself first, feel a little settled at the very least before I can accommodate someone new in my life. And that’s what I intend to do. I am very regretful of how this all turned out. Just like you said, you wish things were different. Well, me too. How I wish I’m different, because maybe then … there might be a chance.

            Simply saying thank you wouldn’t suffice to completely express how grateful I am for you, for knowing you and for all the things I’ve learned from you. I am sad and I am regretful. I am undeniably feeling the pain like I just had a friendship breakup. It’s not a happy ending but with all the lessons learned, I think that’s where the bright side is. I am still hopeful though, that that one day will come. The day when I can reciprocate what you’re giving me and confidently accept what you’re offering for me.

          With all of this been said, I still have one last thing to say …
           Thank you for being you, mister.

 

Your Princess,
Gerry

All is Well

Yesterday, I woke up forty five minutes later than I usually do in a weekday.  I needed to wake my youngest brother up to make him go to school but I didn’t realized I just turned off my alarms and went back to sleep, silly me. Luckily, he still had time. I woke him up then immediately headed to the kitchen and cooked two sunny side-up eggs for his breakfast. I was so out of it that I burnt a finger when I unconsciously touched the side of the pan but that surely woke me up too. The brother has a way to frustrate me every time, even though the clock was ticking, he moved as if he had all the time in the world, no matter how many times I reminded him to move quicker as he was going to be late but it was no success. What a spoiled little mister!

When he was out of the door, I quickly changed clothes then went to the market to pick up ingredients for our foods for the day. When I get back, I just washed and put away the things I bought, washed my hands and went back to sleep. I had another two hours of sleep that were definitely not enough for my still tired mind and body.

When I woke up again at ten in the morning, I noticed that it was raining which I thought that our lunch was perfect for the weather. I cooked pork sinigang which I intentionally made nakakakilig sa asim because that’s the way I like it. Then I fed the dogs and went bad to my bed. I had no plan of sleeping again but I ended up napping for another hour.  – This is what I mean when I said that I had a very erratic sleeping habit. I have multiple interrupted sleeps everyday most days of the week. Super unhealthy. –

I was up around 1:10 in the afternoon, my dad was already gone for work, so I checked my other brother to see if he was ready for school but nope I saw him still sleeping on bed. He was sick so I just let him sleep. I ate lunch around 1:30, the pork sinigang was as cold as the weather. I was too lazy to heat it up so it didn’t taste as good as it was when hot. I still ate it while watching Ice Age: Collision Course because that was all there was on the television good enough to watch.

I made myself a steaming mug of coffee when I was done putting away the dishes that I used. Then I checked my phone and found a message. It was from the medical clinic I had sent out a resume to weeks ago. They were inviting me for an interview today. I was feeling excited actually, so I replied I will come. I felt good while I was enjoying my coffee, paying half of my attention to the movie I was watching which was Woman In Black and another half of my attention was appreciating the rain.

I was feeling so good until she had to ask for my professional experience and that spoiled everything. I knew right then and there that the interview invitation will be taken back and that actually what happened. She said that they were looking for someone who’s experienced; she thanked me for showing interest and sent me one final message saying that I can reapply again next time. What a bummer! I know.

Oh well, that’s life. I wouldn’t say anyway that I didn’t see that coming.  They gave me butterflies, let me played with them for a few minutes and then chased them all away. Pinaasa ako bes! *sigh* False hope!

On the other hand, I just like to quickly mention it now that I remember it as I’m typing this, the reason why I chose to sleep in despite the alarm yesterday morning. I was dreaming! Can you believe that? Yes, you read that correctly. I had a dream and all I can remember about that dream is that I was holding scoops of ice cream in a cone. A strawberry flavoured ice cream. I was looking at it as if I was about to devour it. And that’s all really. See how cheeky my mind is? It has been a while since the last time I remember I dreamed. I have to myself to blame for that, for having such an erratic sleeping habit.

After that rejection moment, my brothers and I watched Divergent then the rest of the night was full of eating and doing house chores. I planned on painting my nails which are in dire need of manicure but I was caught up in playing a game so I think I might do that later today instead.

I’m alright. It happens. That’s how life decided to tease me this time.