What Have I Been Up To?

Seriously, I should be asking that same question to myself too. I can’t believe we’re nearing at the end of March already, where has the time gone? This past two weeks, I often find myself reflecting about my life; the decisions I made, the regrets, the opportunities that I’ve let slipped out of my hand and the whole shenanigans. I also have been thinking about my future too more often and the things that I can do to rectify the bad choices that I made before while also trying to learn from it. I hope to figure out and extract the lessons from them and leave the rest behind in the past. I know that the past is not a good place to hang out especially if it makes you feel like crap when you realized it was you who put yourself in those situations and that there was no one to blame but you. The regrets and frustrations are hitting me hard but I am totally aware that there’s nothing I can do about it to change it yet there’s a whole lot of things that I can do to make the now and tomorrow better.

After the New Year, I’ve had a lot of plans and goals that I have set out for myself. I even written the post Things I’ll Strive For in 2017 to make it as my guide when things slips out of my mind again because that’s something that is expected to happen. So lately, my mind often wanders in there and reminds me that I am totally slacking off again which isn’t great in every way. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything or exerting efforts at all to make those items in that post to happen. Then, I imagined in my head that I was whipping myself for not living up to the word that I put in there, strive. Not making it in one go doesn’t necessarily mean you failed, it’s about making great efforts, really fighting to get that thing that you want to obtain. So here I am, ready to do just that. Again.

Friday of last week, I was finally able to enroll in the certification course that I’ve been wanting. I was supposed to enroll on February but I didn’t make it as there was no available slot anymore, that’s why now I made sure that I enroll early even though the training isn’t starting until the third week of April. When I received the confirmation that I was officially enrolled, I felt ecstatic. I felt like I have made something big for my life, if you know what I mean. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m feeling anxious with all the worries in my head yet really excited. I am so looking forward for it to start already.

Also, I got back into reading again. I  probably have read four or five books this past two weeks which is really cool. Reading have again provided me with escape from all this overwhelming stuff in my already confused mind. Whenever I feel like my brain is having too much, I’ll just whip out my iPad and I will be pulled into a whole new world.

Another news that I want to share is that my family have adapted a new kitten. My brother brought him home last week. Meet Mogwai. Isn’t he cute?

unnamed

Our three dogs weren’t thrilled the first time my brother brought Mogwai home. They were always barking at him whenever they see him but they’re all good now. They love playing with him. Our poodle, jLo, acts as his babysitter. Our chowskie mix, Ginger, acts as his playmate. They play and bully each other all the time. Our japanese spitz, Francine, acts as the random stranger, random playmate and a random nemesis.

That’s all for now folks. Just really wanted to dump all these into writing because it helps a lot for me in managing my sanity.

Feeling Pressured, Getting More Anxious and Being Grateful

I am typing this up at 10:30 in the evening of January 19th. I surprisingly woke up today at around 7:15 in the morning though I didn’t sleep until like 4 am but it was one of those kind of sleep that even though it was just a few hours, it felt like you’ve had a long and quality one which made me feel so great. Too lazy to get out of bed yet, I then chatted with a guy friend and we were having a good conversation when one of my girl friend sent me a message saying that if I ever decide to go to the National Library, I should tell her and we’ll go together. I wondered why, so I replied asking if she really meant the National Library or the National Museum, because it’s the latter that I have been meaning to visit in such a long time. She confirmed the former and I asked her why would she want to hang out in the library and she answered to review and study. This was when my heart started racing.

She said that she just enrolled herself in a review center for IELTS, the english exam that needed to pass in order to work abroad. That my friends, have been my original plan. I have been wanting to take that exam also but I don’t want to waste it because as far as I  know, it has only two years validity. I do not want to waste effort to pass that exam and not use it because I can’t really apply for  abroad just yet since I still don’t have working experience which is a must in order to apply for a job abroad. I also felt really guilty when she told me that it should be me who’s doing that.

I felt really agitated, I found myself walking to the living room then back to my bed again many times while I was chatting with both of them. I then noticed I was having shallow breathing, followed by a little shaking of the hands and knees and actually felt like crying. I couldn’t help myself, I knew I needed to get this thing off my chest to relax so I told my guy friend about it. I told him how I suddenly felt pressured, really frustrated and just couldn’t help myself to think that me and her started college together, we graduated together, we pass the boards together but now she’s in step 3 while I am still stuck in step 1. This may sound shallow to you but it obviously isn’t for me. You have no idea how frustrating my life is right now.

I really appreciate him because he gave me advises and words of wisdom that really made sense. I appreciate that now I have someone to talk to about the things that I have never talk about even with my family or my friends. He listened to me without judgment and gave me words of encouragement and reassurance that I am just a normal human being. That I may have lost tempo in my life, there’s still a lot of time to get back and catch up with it.

The next thing I knew, I was able to slowly let go and relax. Though the morning turned stressful, I’m happy that it still ended up in a good note and gaining new realizations about myself which I am really thankful for.

Growing Anxious

It’s 2:39 in the morning of January 13th as I am typing this. Honestly, I don’t have any plan of putting up a post. This sudden urge of typing this came out of nowhere, no that’s probably a lie.

It all started when my mom commented to me earlier  that I’m starting to eat so much again, “Tumatakaw ka na naman.” in her exact words. That came like a slap in my face, then just like in movies, I saw scenes from the past days and weeks about changes I noticed  in my body and in my being in general. Stress eating, those were the two words that my mind yelled at me oh so loud.

That’s a proof that I am in a major deal of stress right now. My mind isn’t functioning well which isn’t really helpful at all. That stress eating realization snowballed so quickly then was confronted with all my concerns, worries and problems that I noticed my heart pounded so fast that it felt like I just ran for 20 minutes straight. No kidding. Inside my head, everything was in chaos, I couldn’t really point what it was exactly I was trying to think.  I felt really uncomfortable that I retreated to have a long shower. The cold water helped a little in calming me but not much really. I came out of the shower with my chest still thundering. I was trying to breathe deeply while I was doing my after-shower routine in the hope of calming myself more.

The next thing I know, I am typing up this post with Yiruma’s music playing in my ear, which I don’t really know what I’m trying to make or take out of this post. Maybe just for some cathartic release because everything is so much for my brain right now.

Things I’ll Strive For in 2017

With the New Year just started, I know most of us have found a new surge of motivation to set goals to achieve for this year. Setting goals is surely the easy part; to actually follow through and do it is the big challenge. At first, I really have no intention of doing this because resolutions are so cliché and not so achievable most of the time but after I’ve made my post last week and realized that the resolutions I’ve set for last year wasn’t entirely useless, I then had this sudden urge to put up another one. It feels good to know that you somehow made some of your goals happened. I am setting up my intention for this year to be another year of self-discovery and self-improvement. So here are the things that I’ll strive for this year:

Ditch Pessimism and Embrace Optimism

Just like the law of attraction, what you think is what you are. These past five years of my life, I have allowed myself to drown in a world full of negativities so negative things were what I had. What you think or how you think is the reality that you create for yourself. In order to attract positive things, you must think positively. Having a positive mindset is always the way to go.

Be More Active

By that I mean, being consistent with exercising. It doesn’t have to be a hardcore workout. I know that I love running, stretching and yoga so I’d like to do more of that, even just walking our dogs that’ll for sure somehow help me de-stress and get my blood circulating rather than just sit in front of laptop all day.

Consume less meat as much as possible

In our household, we eat meat almost every day or if not then most days of the week. I realized that one of the major causes of my acne is poor digestion. Meat causes me bloating and constipation and that’s not good for skin or in general. It’s impossible to totally omit meat in my life but I’d like to stay away from it as much as possible.

Sleeping before midnight

This is something that I am really determined to achieve. I’d like regain the body clock that I used to have. I would love to be a morning person again. I would like to be more human and less of a zombie.  I plan on putting to practice a technique that I’ve read on an article before and that is to sleep an hour early from your usual bed time every three days until you reach your desired hour of sleep. Nowadays, I usually sleep at around 4am, so I’ll try to sleep at 3am for the next three days then after that I’ll try to sleep at 2am for another three days and so on and so forth. I’ve tried it before and it worked on me.

Read more

I totally have slacked off on my reading on the latter half of last year. I just couldn’t find the motivation to read. For this year, I certainly would want to read more and I aim on reading one book per week.

To not be afraid to explore alone

By that I mean, to go to places on my own. I am not good at directions that’s why I’m stupid when it comes to commuting, I am afraid of getting lost and I’m dependent to my family members or friends to go to places that I needed to be. I’m thinking of starting it by going to the National Museum, alone. 😀 I’ve been wanting to go there for ages.

Treat myself better

I plan on doing that by setting more time for me. I want to be consistent with my skincare routine, pamper myself more. Dress better. Reflect more often. Be mindful of what I need.

Learn to play guitar

Or at least try learning it again. I’ve already tried it before but we don’t have our own guitar yet that time so I stopped learning when I returned the guitar to my friend. But now that my mom has gifted my brother a guitar, I think I have no excuse to try and learn it again.

I know it is more likely that I am not going to achieve all of this stuff but this list is like my guide to know the aspects where I want to focus more. If I don’t achieve it all then I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’ll just try harder instead. ^^

What are your goals for this year? If you don’t mind, I would to know. Feel free to share them. 🙂

Realizations of 2016

2016 has been like a wind for me. It came and just flew by.  Out of all the years that I have been a bum, 2016 has been the laziest year for me because literally I’ve accomplished nothing. It felt like I did so many things when in fact I did nothing at all. But I have to say though that in 2016 I have realized so much about myself so I think I can say that the resolutions I’ve had last year weren’t entirely useless.

Doing things right away

I swear I can be the queen of procrastination; I am so guilty of that but this is something that I can say that I am getting better at. Just do all the things that you can right away. Don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day after that because there’s a huge chance that you’ll never get to it. STOP putting off what you can do right away. JUST DO IT!

Not caring about what other people says

This is still a work in progress for sure but towards the end of 2016, I just noticed myself not giving a damn about every single thing that people say or think about me. I learned to hear them out and their sentiments but not letting myself be easily affected by it. I think learning about this comes with age because once I turned 25, this thing have become easier for me.

Speaking up

I used to be that person who just can’t say no, always saying yes even though I don’t really want to. I’ve noticed that with my friends and family I have been a little more vocal about my preferences, my likes and dislikes. If I have an opinion to share, I am not that afraid anymore to voice out what’s on my mind but of course I think before I speak. I make sure that I relay my message in a polite way.

Being more open-minded about love and relationship

I claim myself being the president of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth Club, I’m still going strong at it. Yes, I’m 25 and have never had a boyfriend ever before. But I’m at that age where many people around me are marrying and having babies already. When I scroll through my Facebook feed, mostly that I see are photos of weddings and newborn babies. I am not feeling pressured in any way but when my mom told me that before when I was younger, she was worried that I’ll have a boyfriend and neglect my studies, get pregnant and end up being a single teenage mom but now she’s worried that I may never get married and have babies of my own at all. That worries me too, actually. I am not a man hater but surely they’ve given me a lot of bad impressions.

Being more comfortable with my skin despite my acne

I am naturally a total homebody, I prefer being at home most of the time but there were also a lot of times when I wanted to go out and hang out with friends but ended up not going because I didn’t know how to make myself presentable. I felt disgusting because my skin looked disgusting and I knew piling on layers of makeup over it will just make it worst. I must admit that my skin discouraged me from going out and being sociable. My friends have seen me when I had a clear and smooth skin just like a baby and they’ve seen me at my worst, big angry swollen painful zits everywhere in my face and they’re totally fine with it. So I realized why the heck I would be embarrass about my acne, it’s not like acne is a rare thing. Sure, some of my friends teased me for it and still up to this day but I know that it’s the teasing in a non-judgmental way, it’s more to annoy me really. Now, I don’t mind going out of the house in my bare face. I even go to the mall, to the church or to the supermarket without a speck of makeup in my face because who cares and why not. It’s not like you’re going to meet all those people who see you again, right?

What are the realizations you’ve taken away from 2016? I would love to know. Don’t hesitate to share. 🙂

 

Back At It Again

Hello there lovelies! How have you all been? It has been a while, isn’t it? Yes, I’m still very much alive and kicking. I know it seemed like I was gone for forever, well not really, it’s more likely a little over two months for sure and that was totally intentional. Though I was not actively posting anything, I was still able to drop a few comments and likes on some posts. Now, you might want to know why I stayed away from blogging for a little while and to satisfy your curiosity, I just thought I needed to take a break for all the usual reasons such as:

– Blogging has become more of a chore than a hobby. The perfectionist and workaholic in me just couldn’t let it go easily when I don’t have anything to post. It bothers me big time.
– Reading books was not as enjoyable as it used to be, it also has become more of a chore for me. I was in a rut, I just couldn’t find the motivation and mood to read.
– Creativity and imagination are nowhere to be found.
– Couldn’t think of anything to post other than the usual. The usual stuff I post here like ranting my heart out, complaining about my life seemed not right in a sense that I certainly do not want to share my negativities to other people.
– Brain is rusty and foggy and not working properly.
– Life issues because life is unfair.

Now that I acknowledged that I just couldn’t stay away from blogging anymore doesn’t mean that I screamed EUREKA! in the middle of my bath and got it all figured out. No! That’s totally not the case. I am still feeling the same and as clueless two months ago. I have never experienced a light bulb flashing at the top of my head and said “AHA!” in those two months that I have been inactive. But I am slowly getting back into reading again and I miss writing and posting. I am definitely still in a rut but that’s fine, what can I do, life happens.

Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.