What Have I Been Up To?

Seriously, I should be asking that same question to myself too. I can’t believe we’re nearing at the end of March already, where has the time gone? This past two weeks, I often find myself reflecting about my life; the decisions I made, the regrets, the opportunities that I’ve let slipped out of my hand and the whole shenanigans. I also have been thinking about my future too more often and the things that I can do to rectify the bad choices that I made before while also trying to learn from it. I hope to figure out and extract the lessons from them and leave the rest behind in the past. I know that the past is not a good place to hang out especially if it makes you feel like crap when you realized it was you who put yourself in those situations and that there was no one to blame but you. The regrets and frustrations are hitting me hard but I am totally aware that there’s nothing I can do about it to change it yet there’s a whole lot of things that I can do to make the now and tomorrow better.

After the New Year, I’ve had a lot of plans and goals that I have set out for myself. I even written the post Things I’ll Strive For in 2017 to make it as my guide when things slips out of my mind again because that’s something that is expected to happen. So lately, my mind often wanders in there and reminds me that I am totally slacking off again which isn’t great in every way. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything or exerting efforts at all to make those items in that post to happen. Then, I imagined in my head that I was whipping myself for not living up to the word that I put in there, strive. Not making it in one go doesn’t necessarily mean you failed, it’s about making great efforts, really fighting to get that thing that you want to obtain. So here I am, ready to do just that. Again.

Friday of last week, I was finally able to enroll in the certification course that I’ve been wanting. I was supposed to enroll on February but I didn’t make it as there was no available slot anymore, that’s why now I made sure that I enroll early even though the training isn’t starting until the third week of April. When I received the confirmation that I was officially enrolled, I felt ecstatic. I felt like I have made something big for my life, if you know what I mean. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m feeling anxious with all the worries in my head yet really excited. I am so looking forward for it to start already.

Also, I got back into reading again. I  probably have read four or five books this past two weeks which is really cool. Reading have again provided me with escape from all this overwhelming stuff in my already confused mind. Whenever I feel like my brain is having too much, I’ll just whip out my iPad and I will be pulled into a whole new world.

Another news that I want to share is that my family have adapted a new kitten. My brother brought him home last week. Meet Mogwai. Isn’t he cute?

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Our three dogs weren’t thrilled the first time my brother brought Mogwai home. They were always barking at him whenever they see him but they’re all good now. They love playing with him. Our poodle, jLo, acts as his babysitter. Our chowskie mix, Ginger, acts as his playmate. They play and bully each other all the time. Our japanese spitz, Francine, acts as the random stranger, random playmate and a random nemesis.

That’s all for now folks. Just really wanted to dump all these into writing because it helps a lot for me in managing my sanity.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson

Related image“The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.” – William James

I learned about this book through an instagram post of a youtuber that I have been watching for a while. She posted a picture of a page of it and it certainly seemed interesting to me. This is one of those books that I would want to have the actual book in reach and whenever I feel negative, I’d turn to this and read the parts relating to what I’m  feeling.

This book is – like the title says – about not sweating the small stuff because they’re just small stuff. It contains strategies on how you can find your peace, balance, acceptance, kindness and happiness in times of internal turmoil. And I believe that the strategies provided are really doable that we can adapt in our own daily lives.  I also found myself a lot of times smiling to learn what the strategy that the author suggested to solve the conflicts/problems that I can relate to. The simplicity of his solutions are kind of mind blowing. Don’t sweat the small stuff indeed.

The thing that I liked the most about this book is how easy it is to read. It doesn’t look or sound like an academic book. I also like the fact that the strategies are concisely written in a conversation kind of way. It’s like a friend giving you advises about the negativities, problems, concerns or worries that you have and what you can do about it. Also the author himself gave personal insights and examples as to how he adapt or utilize these strategies in his own self and life. This book gave me new perspectives about some things and it also is relatable.

Will I recommend this? Totally. Why wouldn’t I? There’s  a ton to learn from this book. If you’re like me who likes to read self-help books from time to time, this is definitely a good book to read. Just like what the author claims,

“Each strategy is simple, yet powerful, and will act as a navigational guide to point you in the direction of greater perspective and more relaxed living. You’ll find that many of these strategies will apply not only to isolated events but to many of life’s most difficult challenges.”

– and I’ve felt that. Really. No kidding. I’m a great worrier, I worry all the time. I worry even on the small things, small things that in minutes snowballs to bigger and more things which then stresses me out and produces negativities. See? This book is perfect for people like me and to everyone of course. This also made me feel like I’m just a normal human being and that I’m not the only one who goes through small and big experiences in life.

Feeling Pressured, Getting More Anxious and Being Grateful

I am typing this up at 10:30 in the evening of January 19th. I surprisingly woke up today at around 7:15 in the morning though I didn’t sleep until like 4 am but it was one of those kind of sleep that even though it was just a few hours, it felt like you’ve had a long and quality one which made me feel so great. Too lazy to get out of bed yet, I then chatted with a guy friend and we were having a good conversation when one of my girl friend sent me a message saying that if I ever decide to go to the National Library, I should tell her and we’ll go together. I wondered why, so I replied asking if she really meant the National Library or the National Museum, because it’s the latter that I have been meaning to visit in such a long time. She confirmed the former and I asked her why would she want to hang out in the library and she answered to review and study. This was when my heart started racing.

She said that she just enrolled herself in a review center for IELTS, the english exam that needed to pass in order to work abroad. That my friends, have been my original plan. I have been wanting to take that exam also but I don’t want to waste it because as far as I  know, it has only two years validity. I do not want to waste effort to pass that exam and not use it because I can’t really apply for  abroad just yet since I still don’t have working experience which is a must in order to apply for a job abroad. I also felt really guilty when she told me that it should be me who’s doing that.

I felt really agitated, I found myself walking to the living room then back to my bed again many times while I was chatting with both of them. I then noticed I was having shallow breathing, followed by a little shaking of the hands and knees and actually felt like crying. I couldn’t help myself, I knew I needed to get this thing off my chest to relax so I told my guy friend about it. I told him how I suddenly felt pressured, really frustrated and just couldn’t help myself to think that me and her started college together, we graduated together, we pass the boards together but now she’s in step 3 while I am still stuck in step 1. This may sound shallow to you but it obviously isn’t for me. You have no idea how frustrating my life is right now.

I really appreciate him because he gave me advises and words of wisdom that really made sense. I appreciate that now I have someone to talk to about the things that I have never talk about even with my family or my friends. He listened to me without judgment and gave me words of encouragement and reassurance that I am just a normal human being. That I may have lost tempo in my life, there’s still a lot of time to get back and catch up with it.

The next thing I knew, I was able to slowly let go and relax. Though the morning turned stressful, I’m happy that it still ended up in a good note and gaining new realizations about myself which I am really thankful for.

Things I’ll Strive For in 2017

With the New Year just started, I know most of us have found a new surge of motivation to set goals to achieve for this year. Setting goals is surely the easy part; to actually follow through and do it is the big challenge. At first, I really have no intention of doing this because resolutions are so cliché and not so achievable most of the time but after I’ve made my post last week and realized that the resolutions I’ve set for last year wasn’t entirely useless, I then had this sudden urge to put up another one. It feels good to know that you somehow made some of your goals happened. I am setting up my intention for this year to be another year of self-discovery and self-improvement. So here are the things that I’ll strive for this year:

Ditch Pessimism and Embrace Optimism

Just like the law of attraction, what you think is what you are. These past five years of my life, I have allowed myself to drown in a world full of negativities so negative things were what I had. What you think or how you think is the reality that you create for yourself. In order to attract positive things, you must think positively. Having a positive mindset is always the way to go.

Be More Active

By that I mean, being consistent with exercising. It doesn’t have to be a hardcore workout. I know that I love running, stretching and yoga so I’d like to do more of that, even just walking our dogs that’ll for sure somehow help me de-stress and get my blood circulating rather than just sit in front of laptop all day.

Consume less meat as much as possible

In our household, we eat meat almost every day or if not then most days of the week. I realized that one of the major causes of my acne is poor digestion. Meat causes me bloating and constipation and that’s not good for skin or in general. It’s impossible to totally omit meat in my life but I’d like to stay away from it as much as possible.

Sleeping before midnight

This is something that I am really determined to achieve. I’d like regain the body clock that I used to have. I would love to be a morning person again. I would like to be more human and less of a zombie.  I plan on putting to practice a technique that I’ve read on an article before and that is to sleep an hour early from your usual bed time every three days until you reach your desired hour of sleep. Nowadays, I usually sleep at around 4am, so I’ll try to sleep at 3am for the next three days then after that I’ll try to sleep at 2am for another three days and so on and so forth. I’ve tried it before and it worked on me.

Read more

I totally have slacked off on my reading on the latter half of last year. I just couldn’t find the motivation to read. For this year, I certainly would want to read more and I aim on reading one book per week.

To not be afraid to explore alone

By that I mean, to go to places on my own. I am not good at directions that’s why I’m stupid when it comes to commuting, I am afraid of getting lost and I’m dependent to my family members or friends to go to places that I needed to be. I’m thinking of starting it by going to the National Museum, alone. 😀 I’ve been wanting to go there for ages.

Treat myself better

I plan on doing that by setting more time for me. I want to be consistent with my skincare routine, pamper myself more. Dress better. Reflect more often. Be mindful of what I need.

Learn to play guitar

Or at least try learning it again. I’ve already tried it before but we don’t have our own guitar yet that time so I stopped learning when I returned the guitar to my friend. But now that my mom has gifted my brother a guitar, I think I have no excuse to try and learn it again.

I know it is more likely that I am not going to achieve all of this stuff but this list is like my guide to know the aspects where I want to focus more. If I don’t achieve it all then I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’ll just try harder instead. ^^

What are your goals for this year? If you don’t mind, I would to know. Feel free to share them. 🙂

Back At It Again

Hello there lovelies! How have you all been? It has been a while, isn’t it? Yes, I’m still very much alive and kicking. I know it seemed like I was gone for forever, well not really, it’s more likely a little over two months for sure and that was totally intentional. Though I was not actively posting anything, I was still able to drop a few comments and likes on some posts. Now, you might want to know why I stayed away from blogging for a little while and to satisfy your curiosity, I just thought I needed to take a break for all the usual reasons such as:

– Blogging has become more of a chore than a hobby. The perfectionist and workaholic in me just couldn’t let it go easily when I don’t have anything to post. It bothers me big time.
– Reading books was not as enjoyable as it used to be, it also has become more of a chore for me. I was in a rut, I just couldn’t find the motivation and mood to read.
– Creativity and imagination are nowhere to be found.
– Couldn’t think of anything to post other than the usual. The usual stuff I post here like ranting my heart out, complaining about my life seemed not right in a sense that I certainly do not want to share my negativities to other people.
– Brain is rusty and foggy and not working properly.
– Life issues because life is unfair.

Now that I acknowledged that I just couldn’t stay away from blogging anymore doesn’t mean that I screamed EUREKA! in the middle of my bath and got it all figured out. No! That’s totally not the case. I am still feeling the same and as clueless two months ago. I have never experienced a light bulb flashing at the top of my head and said “AHA!” in those two months that I have been inactive. But I am slowly getting back into reading again and I miss writing and posting. I am definitely still in a rut but that’s fine, what can I do, life happens.

Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Gerry,

I am writing this letter to you as a warning maybe, of what awaits ahead of you in life. I know it was tough growing up in a confusing family background that only you and I can ever understand. It was also very hard being the eldest kid in the family as you as always worry about everything, even little things but that is just something that you cannot change about you, it is innate with you. You worry too much and you always over-rationalize things, I’d like to say that these things can make your life difficult in the future as it hinders you from doing the things that you supposed to do.

As you grow older, you’ll experience a lot of fear, doubt, envy, jealousy, and even anger. I am not telling you this to scare you in any way, this is to tell you that you’ll be spending your young adult life with these negative feelings and emotions, you’ll feel betrayed and your patience will be put to a test. This is to prepare you so that it’ll not overwhelm you too much just like what I’ve experienced or you can do something better about it, so you wouldn’t go through what I’ve gone through. With that maybe we both can have a different future. Quarter-life crisis will get you so bad, frustration and regret will be a part of your everyday life. These happened because you know, I messed up. Actually, these past couple of days, I’ve been beating myself up thinking of the things that I regret so much and the things that I could’ve done differently so I wouldn’t be stuck in this phase of my life right now. Oh how I hate that word: stuck, idle, slump, pause, just because I am so guilty of it. Yes dear, I am stuck for five long years now, still searching for answers that don’t seem to be found.

I know I sound like I complain so much about how my life has turned out and that’s because I am complaining about it and it’s nobody’s fault but me. I am to blame for all of this; I know that, so I cannot help to think that once you messed up, you can really mess up big.

As I’ve told you, I am not saying this to scare you or pressure you. I just want you to be prepared because that’s what I’ve felt before this idleness happened. I felt like I have just focused on finishing school and did not fully prepare to the life after that and that was when it all started, that was when life overwhelms me so much that it made me what I am now: a coward, irresponsible, shameless – in a way that I can only explain, and a great procrastinator.

Well, life isn’t about all the bad things, of course there are also good things that happened. I cannot list any of them as my mind is clouded with so many negativities – I know, my bad – but I know deep down in me that there are. I’ve been wishing to have a time machine so that I can go back to the time where this all started but goodness gracious! I am well aware that there’s no such thing as time machine or going back in time. I am still sane enough that I know that’s not possible and you know what? Even if ever given the chance to do that, I think I still wouldn’t change a thing because I’ve learned many things in those five years. I have definitely become more mature and slowly having a different but better mindset.

Don’t worry I’m not letting myself to end up like this forever. I may be struggling but I am thriving and surviving that’s for sure. All I want to say to you my younger me is to not be scared and be prepared – mentally- so things cannot overwhelm you so easily which makes you lose focus and forget everything you planned. When life gets difficult, just hang in there.

People and even I, may not have given you enough credit for all the things you’ve accomplish, forced to mature at  young age and basically, for getting through so much … I tell you, you are already one heck of a girl.


Always wishing you courage, confidence and happiness,

the 24-year old version of you