What’s Up With Me?

Hello you beautiful people of the world! Hi! How are you? Gerry here. Still alive and thankfully still human. Oh my goodness! It’s been so long isn’t it?  How are you guys doing? I feel like I’ve been gone for like a hundred long years, what an exaggeration I know. Though I was able to dropped some likes and comments here and there but still, obviously it wasn’t enough to keep up.

I feel like a lot has happened since the last time I posted on here but now that I’m thinking about it, I feel otherwise. You may or may not know that the main reason as to why I had been somewhat inactive on this blog was because I didn’t have internet, if I remember it correctly, I think it was since around July or August of last year. Why, you may ask? I wouldn’t go into details but  I can tell you it was because of my brother’s great doing. I remember my parent’s and I were so shocked when we saw that our internet’s bill suddenly skyrocketed off the roof. It amounted more or less to all of our utility bills combined. My mom was so pissed because it still happened despite of my mom and I’s constant reminder to them. So what my mom did was that she didn’t pay the bill at all. It was just one person’s mistake but all of us suffered. Lesson learned … don’t pissed my mom.

Another reason as to why my mom did that was that it was that time around when my parents contemplated about moving apartment. We were just not happy anymore with our previous home. It already harbored a lot of negative vibes and energies. We were all dreading coming home to that apartment. It caused us stress and distress so it wasn’t really homey and pleasant anymore. We were all bad tempered and we were all fighting and arguing most of the time. I know it’s so lame blaming these stuff on a house but I do agree with the notion that our environment plays a vital role in influencing us … with how we behave, how we think, how we deal with things, how we decide and so on and so forth.

It has been a challenge looking for an apartment because 1. we’re on a budget, 2. we’re too many, we’re seven person in the family and 3. we have pets – three dogs and a cat. My mom told me that landlords nowadays prefers up to five people maximum in an apartment and no pets which were bummers because she had found a number of nice apartments that’s within the budget but couldn’t really get it because of the said reasons. Frustrating, I know. That’s why it had taken quite a while before we moved.

On December, we started packing and by we I mean my mom and I. It was kind of a slow process at first as we don’t really know when we can move yet. I started going through our stuff, one category at a time. I disposed of the things we don’t really need or use anymore and boxed those that we do need. I did one or two boxes a day then after that I binge watch k-dramas because why not, that’s my only happiness at the time. We powered through Christmas and New Year with our house in chaos, full of boxes and only with the most basic stuff. I even had a little accident in the kitchen just 3 hours before new year. I burned myself whilst trying to start our oven. The fire literally went past me, by my face actually. I burned a little of my hair (the ones that had unraveled out of my braid especially those under my ears and my baby bangs), my eyebrows, eyelashes and also four fingers in my right hand. Yeah, that happened.

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My mom witnessed that, she was so shocked, all she said was to asked me if I’m alright.  The only thing going on in my mind at that time was that “Did I lose my eyebrows? Do I now look like Voldemort?”.  I was so worried about my brows that my mom had a lot of fun teasing me about not knowing how to draw them. Yes people, I don’t do my brows. I am so grateful for being born with a naturally ‘shaped’ eyebrows but with that incident, the arch area in my right eyebrow has become sparse. It looks like I have a bald spot there but not really. It’s not that noticeable but I do notice it every time I look in the mirror. So now, that’s what I’m attempting to learn, on how to do the brows because it’s really bothering me and my mom just won’t shut up about it. I even bought myself an eyebrow pencil recently but never tried to use it yet. Will I ever learn? That’s the million dollar question.

Then comes January 2018, the first two weeks consisted still with a series of packing, packing, packing and more packing until one afternoon my mom said to me pack everything, we’re moving that evening. Everything that day happened so fast that I didn’t know what day that was. Up to now, I still couldn’t remember the exact date of that very night we moved into our new apartment. All I can remember was that it was around the fourth week of January.

Now that we’ve moved and all settled in this new home, all seems lighter and brighter, literally and figuratively. We’re happier. I sleep oh so so so much better. I now usually sleep around midnight and wakes up to a bright morning. I now usually get more than 6 hours of sleep a day. I mean who wouldn’t be happy with that? Am I right? There are still nights that I stay up until 2 or 3 am but that’s it.

Wait … I intended this post to be a quick greeting, just to popped in your newsfeed and say Hi! but I didn’t notice I already blabbered so much and spouted all these words. Oopps! Well, I better end this here.

 

May we all have a wicked day!!! A good kind of wicked, okay? 😉

 

Gerry over and out. 😀

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For You

Dear M,

         It was on a very random day of December 2016 when we had exchanged and established our first Hi’s and Hello’s, little did I know that that was the start of something that I will cherished for as long as my neurons can remember. I talked to you with no expectation at all as I was so used to talking to people who were rude and plainly jerks. Then you came along. I really thought at first that you were just like the lots of them but it turned out that that wasn’t the case at all. I remember when I realized that, I was reminded of the saying “There’s always an exception to the rule.” I think I even uttered that out loud to myself with a smile on my face. Very fitting, said my mind.

          Since then, we exchanged messages every day. Your replies were one of the things that I always look forward to when I woke up to a new day. I was so glad about the fact that our conversations were not just basics or small talks – the kind of talks that for me is draining and tiring. I greatly appreciate that I found someone whom I can talk to like an actual adult and have deep conversations with pretty much about anything with no holds barred. Your open-mindedness I found so endearing and it charmed me every time. Your advises and words of wisdoms were everything to me. I learned a lot from you, that’s for sure. They may not be new to me but you were the proof that it was all possible and very doable. Your fearlessness and bravery for taking chances enchanted me. I remember I even felt jealous and envious of that at some point, well … I think I still am today to be honest. When life gave me a beating, just the thought of you could immediately pull me into positivity. You cheered me up when I was sad. You willingly listened to me when I needed to vent out even though they were the things that I had been telling you over and over again. You listened. Unbiased and non-judgmental were other qualities of yours that I admired oh so greatly. You undeniably had become a role-model for me.

          I think it’s about time to admit that you’re the one who actually made me realized that I am now more open to the thought of deepening my relationship to someone, romantically I mean. I am not going to deny that just the mere thought of that really scared the living life out of me. Exaggerated you may think but no, not really. That’s absolutely how I felt. What if I get really invested in you and then things don’t work out? What if the universe doesn’t conspire with us? Oh God, that’ll break me for sure. I was so grateful when you said that you wouldn’t rush and force me to do things and/or decisions that I am not ready for.

          These last couple of months though, I felt something different that I couldn’t quite put a finger on but now that I’m thinking about it, I think I was just in denial all this time.  Then came along your last message, I read it and it hurts. A lot. I couldn’t even get mad about it because all you said were true. Did I mention that I value your honesty and straight-forwardness too? I was with my mom when I read that message. I was barely holding my tears that I needed to excuse myself to go to the toilet, opened the faucet and let the tears rolled out.  The crushing pain in my chest was growing stronger and stronger by the second. As your words kept repeating in my head, one word kept popping to mind, TRUE. You said nothing but the truth and as they say, truth hurts. Indeed, it hurts. It was beyond annoying that I could do nothing about it but to feel guilty because I am guilty.

          You said that you would like to see me one day as a strong woman who exactly knows what she wants in life and that I am obviously not there yet. This you don’t have to tell me for I know that already, that’s one of the things that I would want for myself too. You said that for you it seems like I am confused – very confused, I said to myself – about the things that I should do, about my priorities in life and that if I do want to have someone in my life like a boyfriend or a husband. I must admit that the last one made me chuckle for a second because silly you, of course I would want that because I don’t have any intention of being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. You also said that maybe time is the key for me to figure these out. I recall myself nodding to this under the constant stream of tears falling out of my eyes and with the heaviness in my chest because I knew this too is true.

          It’s my fault that our relationship didn’t progress like the way we wanted it. You said that you’re not pointing a finger at me that this didn’t happen but again, you really didn’t have to tell me that because again, I already know that. The problem is in me. The problem is me. That made me realized that I really need to sort out myself first, feel a little settled at the very least before I can accommodate someone new in my life. And that’s what I intend to do. I am very regretful of how this all turned out. Just like you said, you wish things were different. Well, me too. How I wish I’m different, because maybe then … there might be a chance.

            Simply saying thank you wouldn’t suffice to completely express how grateful I am for you, for knowing you and for all the things I’ve learned from you. I am sad and I am regretful. I am undeniably feeling the pain like I just had a friendship breakup. It’s not a happy ending but with all the lessons learned, I think that’s where the bright side is. I am still hopeful though, that that one day will come. The day when I can reciprocate what you’re giving me and confidently accept what you’re offering for me.

          With all of this been said, I still have one last thing to say …
           Thank you for being you, mister.

 

Your Princess,
Gerry

All is Well

Yesterday, I woke up forty five minutes later than I usually do in a weekday.  I needed to wake my youngest brother up to make him go to school but I didn’t realized I just turned off my alarms and went back to sleep, silly me. Luckily, he still had time. I woke him up then immediately headed to the kitchen and cooked two sunny side-up eggs for his breakfast. I was so out of it that I burnt a finger when I unconsciously touched the side of the pan but that surely woke me up too. The brother has a way to frustrate me every time, even though the clock was ticking, he moved as if he had all the time in the world, no matter how many times I reminded him to move quicker as he was going to be late but it was no success. What a spoiled little mister!

When he was out of the door, I quickly changed clothes then went to the market to pick up ingredients for our foods for the day. When I get back, I just washed and put away the things I bought, washed my hands and went back to sleep. I had another two hours of sleep that were definitely not enough for my still tired mind and body.

When I woke up again at ten in the morning, I noticed that it was raining which I thought that our lunch was perfect for the weather. I cooked pork sinigang which I intentionally made nakakakilig sa asim because that’s the way I like it. Then I fed the dogs and went bad to my bed. I had no plan of sleeping again but I ended up napping for another hour.  – This is what I mean when I said that I had a very erratic sleeping habit. I have multiple interrupted sleeps everyday most days of the week. Super unhealthy. –

I was up around 1:10 in the afternoon, my dad was already gone for work, so I checked my other brother to see if he was ready for school but nope I saw him still sleeping on bed. He was sick so I just let him sleep. I ate lunch around 1:30, the pork sinigang was as cold as the weather. I was too lazy to heat it up so it didn’t taste as good as it was when hot. I still ate it while watching Ice Age: Collision Course because that was all there was on the television good enough to watch.

I made myself a steaming mug of coffee when I was done putting away the dishes that I used. Then I checked my phone and found a message. It was from the medical clinic I had sent out a resume to weeks ago. They were inviting me for an interview today. I was feeling excited actually, so I replied I will come. I felt good while I was enjoying my coffee, paying half of my attention to the movie I was watching which was Woman In Black and another half of my attention was appreciating the rain.

I was feeling so good until she had to ask for my professional experience and that spoiled everything. I knew right then and there that the interview invitation will be taken back and that actually what happened. She said that they were looking for someone who’s experienced; she thanked me for showing interest and sent me one final message saying that I can reapply again next time. What a bummer! I know.

Oh well, that’s life. I wouldn’t say anyway that I didn’t see that coming.  They gave me butterflies, let me played with them for a few minutes and then chased them all away. Pinaasa ako bes! *sigh* False hope!

On the other hand, I just like to quickly mention it now that I remember it as I’m typing this, the reason why I chose to sleep in despite the alarm yesterday morning. I was dreaming! Can you believe that? Yes, you read that correctly. I had a dream and all I can remember about that dream is that I was holding scoops of ice cream in a cone. A strawberry flavoured ice cream. I was looking at it as if I was about to devour it. And that’s all really. See how cheeky my mind is? It has been a while since the last time I remember I dreamed. I have to myself to blame for that, for having such an erratic sleeping habit.

After that rejection moment, my brothers and I watched Divergent then the rest of the night was full of eating and doing house chores. I planned on painting my nails which are in dire need of manicure but I was caught up in playing a game so I think I might do that later today instead.

I’m alright. It happens. That’s how life decided to tease me this time.

Late Night Brain Dump

Hello you guys! How have you been doing? It has been a while isn’t it? Yes, I’m still breathing and alive. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say. I just kind of feeling like writing, to get these thoughts out of my head and scribble them somewhere which is exactly what I’m doing now. Obviously.

I still don’t really know what to say and share with you. I really hate it when I feel like I have tons and tons of things crowding my mind but then the second that I actually want to write them down they all just disappear. Bummer.

Let me just start then by sharing with you that for a few weeks, I had been on a reading spree. The number of books I’ve finished recently made me so happy and satisfied but it worries me at the same time because my e-book stash is disappearing very quickly. I’m actually kind of scared that I will run out of books to read because reading is all I could do for now with the fact that we still don’t have internet yet and our television is more often than not in control by my dad and/or by my brother. I’m considering of typing up another book round-up and a few book thoughts but not quite sure yet. I don’t know if this craving to write will hold up and keep me motivated long enough to actually write them or write anything at all besides this post. We’ll just have to see then, I guess.

I miss writing poems. It has been so long since the last time I’ve written one and I’m talking about years – totally not exaggerating. I still have the poems saved here in my computer so I might be posting them from time to time. I’m still considering if I will post the tagalog ones. Should I or should I not?

I miss my friends. Badly. I miss hanging out with them. It has been a while since the last time I saw them. There had been at least a couple of birthdays that had passed that I thought were opportunities for us to meet but nope it never happened. I guess they’re just too busy tending with their own lives. I doubt we will be having our yearly tradition of going to the beach this month. How sad.

I’m also feeling jealous of my mom right now, she’s now in the province to visit our relatives there and also to visit my grandfather’s grave. They will very likely visit my hometown too which I have been dying for so long to visit again to see the house/place where I grew up in. But unfortunately, it’s something that my mom wouldn’t allow for me to do so for a very personal reason which I know of course and I totally understand.

Another thing that I’d like to share that I just happen to remember as I am typing this right now is how abnormal and erratic my sleeping pattern is nowadays. It actually bothers me and worries me a lot. I don’t know how I could keep going on and function in my day with very little sleep – with that I mean, just an hour or two of shut eye for days straight. It’s crazy I know. It’s gotten out of control for the worse that just a few days ago, my body has retaliated fiercely. I had a very bad throbbing headache for almost two days, I was feeling dizzy and nauseous as well to the point that I thought I would puke my guts out at any moment and I know for sure that it was due to my lack of sleep. I am now suddenly being bombarded with the bad effects of having lack of sleep in the body and in the mind. Oh my goodness, this needs to be addressed immediately!

I just realized that I still have many thoughts to dump but I would like to keep those things for myself, it’s kind of a sensitive matter for me at the moment. I’ll just write them down somewhere else that only I know where and only I can read.

Now, it’s a no brainer for me that I badly need to get my life together. I promised myself not to be so pessimistic anymore so I need to dispel this budding negativity hovering around me. I’ll just keep reminding myself that if anyone can, why can’t I? Am I right? I have read somewhere that there’s nothing you cannot do/achieve if you have the right mindset. And I totally agree with that.

So, for anyone out there who’s also going through something these days, let’s just hang in there friends!

Brain Dump

Hello September! Seriously, someone please slow down this thing called time. Tell it not to be in so much hurry. I’m really losing my mind here. It’s my birthday month, I’m officially turning a year older next week and to be honest, I am not so excited about that. Just the thought of my birthday coming up is giving me so much pressure. About life. My life. What have I been doing all this time? Really. Does someone know? Me? I don’t. I’m as clueless as any other person I ask.

What in the world?! Am I really this hopeless? Frustration and disappointment is such a combo I’m living in nowadays. It’s like a perfect pair for ruined confidence. They’re the very things I’m seeing in my mom’s eyes and hearing in my mom’s words. How about that? Guilt trip. If there’s one person I’d like to please, that’ll be my mom. Before I was wishing that she should start to slowly loosen her grip on me with her being the overprotective mom that she is. But now, I notice that she’s already doing just that. She always tells me that she’s hoping and praying that I’d get my lazy butt up and get out of this ‘slump‘ and to actually start to get my life together. I even heard her tell her friends one afternoon that she’s hoping for me to get married. And in my mind I was like, “What the heck is she talking about?” then she continued that it’s a little impossible at the moment since I don’t even date yet. How I wish someone saw the smug on my face when I heard that and even now as I am thinking about it.

Obviously, she had expected so much more from me than being just a couch potato, a slob, a bum whatever you want to call it. The only motivation I have now is her scream of happiness and pride when I passed the nursing licensure exam. She prided herself to her friends the fact that I passed the board exam in one try right after college. She of course then expected that I’d get my first job in the same year after a few months of resting which for her meant that of me getting ready to dive into the so called real world. But the few months turned into six years. Can you believe that? Who wouldn’t be so frustrated and disappointed about that? In that sense, I’m pathetic and I’m greatly ashamed of it. It was never my intention but it happened nonetheless. There’s nothing to say about it but that I highly highly regretted these six years of me being an extra mouth to feed, an extra body that crowd our house and an extra person that my parents have to worry about.

So, do you see now where this humongous pressure I’m feeling right now coming from? I’m getting older. I cannot deny that and all I want really is to finally be able to grow up but of course as life is unfair, realizing it is just one thing, you still have to follow through and actually do it. Why is adulthood so hard and complicated?

When someone says, if they have my diploma, if they have my license, if they have my age, they for sure – this words are always emphasized – have already gone far. You have no idea how many times I have been told that. Sounds so easy, right? But is it really just that easy? Because if it is then maybe I’m stupider that I think I am.

Does maturity really comes with age? In my case, maybe it is because now I am becoming more aware of my decisions and actions but I know I can still be as immature as ever. All I know at this moment is that, I may have lost my timing, my rhythm, my plan and even myself; I still have the ability to get back up again. So, go lang ng go.

Now, enough of this ranting and negativities.

September is supposed to be for good vibes. We should start feeling the tickle of excitement as it slowly builds up to the thrill, fun and enjoyment for the holiday season. I know it is my birthday month even without a calendar when I hear Christmas songs and Jose Mari Chan’s music playing somewhere or everywhere really. I don’t know what to say anymore so I think I have to end this post now. The end.

What’s With The Stupidity?

It was a friday afternoon. I woke up very late, around 2 pm. I have even set an alarm for that. Funny, I know. It was a friday. The day that a person called my mom planned that we should go to an event, it was actually more of a seminar or an orientation sort of thing. She hoped that it could be the vessel for a dream of mine – hers too – to come true. But just like the stubborn kid that I am, I did not want to go because first, it was too far. Second, I was apprehensive and scared. Of what? Maybe of the uncertainty, maybe I just didn’t have the strength to have made a false hope then be disappointed greatly. Nope. That was why I made an alibi that I have to go somewhere and that was why I was forced – more like I had no other choice – to go out.

So, it was a friday afternoon. I woke up at 2pm. I stood up, made my bed. Made my way to the bathroom, splashed some cold water in my face and attended to my bladder’s need of satisfaction. I went straight to the fridge, gulped down some cold water, brought out a plate and put on some food.  That’s how robotic I felt that day. I ate. I cleaned up. I showered. I put on some jeans and shirt. I slapped on a little bit of make up in a hopeless attempt to make my disgusting face somewhat presentable.

It was a friday afternoon. It was very gloomy and it was raining. The weather reflects how I feel inside. Grey. Hollow. Melancholic. Cold. Confused – the rain didn’t know if it wanted to drizzle or to pour.  I felt exactly the same. Put on my red Pro-keds sneakers, collected my coin purse, cellphone and a handky and put them all in my backpack. I snuck in a glance in the mirror and decided to put my hair in a half-up half-down do. I wore my pearl earrings and my favorite wrist watch which was gifted to me by my parents for my 18th birthday. I was all ready.

I told my mom I was leaving. I let myself out through the door and was greeted with a pouring rain with a cold breeze lashed out my face. I waited in the corner of our street. There were a lot jeepneys passed by but I couldn’t go as it was raining hard and I had no umbrella. Ten minutes passed. Fifteen. Then suddenly the rain started to ebbed down to a little more than just a drizzle. I braved the rain, hailed a jeep and rode to oblivion. Not really but it felt that way.

It was a cold and dreary friday afternoon. I arrived at the mall. I was aware of my mane that has gone wild and very frizzy. I couldn’t care less so I went inside. As soon as I stepped inside I was embraced by chilling, bone-cold air of the air conditioner. I shivered. Now, what am I going to do in here?, I said to myself.

So, I wandered.

For at least an hour. Not feeling anything but the constant shiver I did because of the cold temperature. My mind was busy, that I could tell. But with what? What was it thinking? Was I really thinking? Maybe the very mundane things. “Oh, that’s cute.” “That surely will look good on my brother.” “Mommy will definitely like that.” “I’d love me to have some of that too.” “I hope I can something like that to daddy.” “Oh that smells good. What is that?” I contemplated of going to my favorite bookstores but nope I didn’t. Not in the mood. I just did not have any energy and or any reasons to do it so I went to the food court and there I watched as I killed time.

All I saw were long lines for slushie, for takoyaki, for lemonade, for coffee, for Jollibee etcetera. What did I expect? It was a food court. It was loud in there. There was music. There was the sound of utensils clinking to the plates. There were voices of people talking to each other. There were sounds coming from games they were playing on the mobile phones. There was the mystical sound of the carousel from somewhere.

Two hours passed. I said I can go home. My mom wouldn’t suspect me. She didn’t know of course, that I just went to the mall instead of attending that freakin’ orientation or seminar or whatever you want to call it. I made my way out of the mall and to my great dismay, it was still pouring.

It was a dark, dingy, chilly and raining very hard kind of friday night. I let out a sigh and without thinking, I conquered the rain as if it wasn’t raining at all. I didn’t care if people were looking at me, pitied me, or whatever, I just walked. Climbed the too many steps of the foot bridge, crossed it and made my way down.

I was soaked.

I rounded this smaller mall to go to terminal of jeepneys that could take me closer to home but to my another dismay, it has long long long line. It looked like as if it was a gigantic snake, it curved many times. For a minute there, I didn’t know what to do. I certainly did not want to go back to the mall where I’ve been bypassed the way to the terminal of Fx which I was pretty sure would have a very long line too. Then it hit me, it was a Friday and it was the rush hour. Oh blimey!

It felt like I had no choice, I walked on a little ahead of the road under the pouring rain, was hoping that maybe I could catch a random jeepney which can still fit one passenger.  But the few meters became longer and longer. I remember I kept on saying to myself, a little more, a little more. The distance added up. I have been walking for minutes now and all the jeepneys that passed by were full. I kept on walking. I skipped. I leaped. I jumped. Like a little kid playing in the rain but really it was me avoiding the puddles.

I kept on walking. I felt like a zombie. My mind said to stop and wait for a jeep but it seemed like my feet has grown a mind of its and kept on walking. I was seeing a stop light straight ahead but I was worried I may not stop at all as it felt like I have no authority or no control of my own feet. As I was approaching I just wished that it’d turn red I got there and to my subtle surprised it did. I crossed and I almost tripped for I had stepped on a little that threw my balance. I now noticed who seemed like a Korean guy in a hooded jacket and black backpack on my right and another man on my left. I remember I tried matching their steps so I felt I was as fast as them.

We were making our way to another stop light but I saw the two guys have already made a distance between us. I saw the Korean guy jumped over something, probably a rock and made a right. The other man just kept walking ahead, my way too. As I was crossing, I looked at my right but I couldn’t see the Korean guy anymore. I just found it a little weird that he wasn’t on sight anymore, I saw no house there, it was just a long lonely little road. I remember saying to myself, how fast of a walker he was that he already made it to the end causing him not to be seen anymore in such a very short time. As I was engrossed with the thought, I tripped again but acted natural and gained balance as soon as it happened.

I now saw that the other man has put on a lot of distance between us. He was wearing a khaki pants, red shirt and was holding a plastic bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other. I looked ahead of him and saw a gas station, “What? Here already?” I muttered to myself. That would only mean that I have made three quarters of the way to home. I kept on walking.

This time I almost slipped in front of a coffee shop because of the very slippery tiles they have. Again, I couldn’t care less and just kept on walking. I noticed I started panting, and I know was already soaked but I felt my body was hot and if I remember correctly I thought I was really sweating despite of the rain.

I just kept on walking and I believe by this time, my mind has gone empty. The only functioning part of my body was my feet and my eyes. I was gradually becoming aware of a need to chugged water. I was thirsty but I have no water. In a distance I could make out the fast food restaurant marking that I was halfway my journey to home. I thought I could stop there and catch a jeep because I knew for sure that more often than not the jeeps that pass there are lightly loaded with passengers.

When I got there, I could see two jeepneys on halt on the side of the road either letting on or letting out a passenger but I did not stop and climbed up. I remember walking wide-eyed, “What? What was that about?”  STUPID. I told myself. Empty jeepneys and the ones with a few passengers just passed me by.  I let them just passed me by. “What is going on here?” My mind said. I don’t know. The only answer I can give to myself then there was the sudden feeling of something like a pinch in my chest, then my eyes felt burning.

It was a dark pouring Friday night; I then knew I was crying. I was crying … but no one knew. No one noticed. The rain was a perfect camouflage. The side of the road that I was walking on was dark, seemed like I was making my way to an abandoned city. I felt another sting but this time on the back of my feet. Blisters. I must have been walking for too long for me to have a blister. STUPID. I didn’t what what hurts more, the pinch in my chest or the sting at the back of the feet.

I few more steps, I was confronted by this building which was still under construction and right beneath the name of the building, was the name of the company that resonated to me with the details I couldn’t elaborate more. STUPID. Another bout of tears came pouring of my eyes. I noticed I have slowed down. May it be because of the blisters? Or something else?

The sting of my blisters was becoming more noticeable. Still I kept walking. The right foot was more painful than the left. I had started to limp a little. I could also feel some pain at the back of knees. By the time I got to my alma matter, I was no longer crying. I felt numb. My mind was blank. Empty. I waited in the stop light to cross the street. I thought stopping and resting would help alleviate at least a little the exhaustion of my legs, knees and the sting of my blisters but those 22 seconds of rest just made it all worse.

I was walking slowly, not because I intended to but it was more like, that was all my body can afford to exert. I was limping more as my blisters increasing its size and severity but I forced myself for it not to be too obvious. I turned left, meaning I was just more or less ten minutes away from home. Suddenly the thought of coming home and laying in bed gave a little comfort to my hollowed-out self. I kept on walking. At the back of my mind I heard, “What are you doing to yourself? What are you doing with your life? Just what the heck are you doing?” My ego I guess.

The blisters on my feet were becoming annoying. I wished to be teleported to my room so I could dive under the blanket and sleep and forget everything that had happened today. I passed by the wet market. A little more. Just a little more and you’re home. I couldn’t hide the limping anymore, the blisters hurts so much it was unbearable. I’d like to stop walking but I could already see the corner to our home. Just a little more. The pinch on my chest came back. WHAT?

I made it to the corner, I turned right and there it was just a few steps away, HOME.
After an hour and a half of walking under the pouring rain in a Friday night, I made it home.

Until now, I still cannot fathom what happened to me that day. What has gotten over me? What have I gotten out it? Oh body pain, blisters and a crap load of confusion.

Late Night Thoughts

Hey you. How have you all been doing? It has been a while, isn’t it? Me? I’m doing okay even though my mind is all over the place at the moment. Life is giving me another round of whip in the butt. Where have I been these past few months you may ask?

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I did this. This really happened.

I took a certification course that I have been wanting for years. This is my way of trying to revamp my dying – non-existent – career. If you have been following me for a while, you may know that I am a registered nurse by profession but unfortunately I haven’t been able to practice it. At first I thought it was just because I’m scared. I’m scared to make mistakes. Nurses doesn’t handle papers that when you make mistake you can just scratch it off or crumple the paper then throw it in a trash bin. As a nurse, we handle people’s lives. Just one wrong move, may it be little or not, it can jeopardize a person’s life. This fear has stuck on me since I was still in college. Now that I’ve had years to reflect about it, I’ve come to a realization that I just don’t have the talent of being a nurse.

Yes, you can learn the theories, acquire the skills but in my case, I lack the instincts. The knowledge and skills that I have gained during college, they all went flying out of the window the day after I took the nursing licensure exam. It just vanished. Not long after the exam, my brother got sick and I was so ashamed at the time because I couldn’t even remember the normal range of temperature. And that ought to be the simplest thing in the medical world that I should know even in sleep. See? There’s a difference in knowing it just because you have to than really knowing it by heart.

I’m not saying that I have the talent and/or the instincts of being an Echo Tech/Cardiac Sonographer. Even though I’m a certified one, I’m still not confident in doing it. I took the course because I remember one lecture during college, when one of our professors explained in a simple way what 2D Echo is and what it does. I remember falling head over heels with the images I saw and the sounds I heard. Since then, I told myself that I’m going to do it in the future.

Now, one month after completing the course, I’m back to being a slob. I thought once I finished the course, my life would be smooth sailing – find a job and be able to do the things that I planned to do and nada, nada, nada – obviously, that wasn’t what happened. After the course, I felt like the universe was conspiring against me, making advancing into my life difficult again.

My life at the moment is too far from the life that I have imagined before I took the course. This reminded me of a line from a movie, “Just because you want it, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get it.” When things didn’t go as planned, I suddenly felt unmotivated. It feels like I fell in a hole and something in it pulled me down even deeper and now I just can’t find my way back out.

I am not in a good state of mind right now. I’m very much aware of that. But since last week, though I feel so unmotivated, I still somehow managed to send out resumes. So for now, I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I’d get lucky to land a job.

What is life without being tripped and scathed? Thinking Face Emoji 🤔That’ll be totally boring and pointless. Am I right or am I losing my mind?

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