Realizations of 2016

2016 has been like a wind for me. It came and just flew by.  Out of all the years that I have been a bum, 2016 has been the laziest year for me because literally I’ve accomplished nothing. It felt like I did so many things when in fact I did nothing at all. But I have to say though that in 2016 I have realized so much about myself so I think I can say that the resolutions I’ve had last year weren’t entirely useless.

Doing things right away

I swear I can be the queen of procrastination; I am so guilty of that but this is something that I can say that I am getting better at. Just do all the things that you can right away. Don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day after that because there’s a huge chance that you’ll never get to it. STOP putting off what you can do right away. JUST DO IT!

Not caring about what other people says

This is still a work in progress for sure but towards the end of 2016, I just noticed myself not giving a damn about every single thing that people say or think about me. I learned to hear them out and their sentiments but not letting myself be easily affected by it. I think learning about this comes with age because once I turned 25, this thing have become easier for me.

Speaking up

I used to be that person who just can’t say no, always saying yes even though I don’t really want to. I’ve noticed that with my friends and family I have been a little more vocal about my preferences, my likes and dislikes. If I have an opinion to share, I am not that afraid anymore to voice out what’s on my mind but of course I think before I speak. I make sure that I relay my message in a polite way.

Being more open-minded about love and relationship

I claim myself being the president of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth Club, I’m still going strong at it. Yes, I’m 25 and have never had a boyfriend ever before. But I’m at that age where many people around me are marrying and having babies already. When I scroll through my Facebook feed, mostly that I see are photos of weddings and newborn babies. I am not feeling pressured in any way but when my mom told me that before when I was younger, she was worried that I’ll have a boyfriend and neglect my studies, get pregnant and end up being a single teenage mom but now she’s worried that I may never get married and have babies of my own at all. That worries me too, actually. I am not a man hater but surely they’ve given me a lot of bad impressions.

Being more comfortable with my skin despite my acne

I am naturally a total homebody, I prefer being at home most of the time but there were also a lot of times when I wanted to go out and hang out with friends but ended up not going because I didn’t know how to make myself presentable. I felt disgusting because my skin looked disgusting and I knew piling on layers of makeup over it will just make it worst. I must admit that my skin discouraged me from going out and being sociable. My friends have seen me when I had a clear and smooth skin just like a baby and they’ve seen me at my worst, big angry swollen painful zits everywhere in my face and they’re totally fine with it. So I realized why the heck I would be embarrass about my acne, it’s not like acne is a rare thing. Sure, some of my friends teased me for it and still up to this day but I know that it’s the teasing in a non-judgmental way, it’s more to annoy me really. Now, I don’t mind going out of the house in my bare face. I even go to the mall, to the church or to the supermarket without a speck of makeup in my face because who cares and why not. It’s not like you’re going to meet all those people who see you again, right?

What are the realizations you’ve taken away from 2016? I would love to know. Don’t hesitate to share. 🙂

 

Back At It Again

Hello there lovelies! How have you all been? It has been a while, isn’t it? Yes, I’m still very much alive and kicking. I know it seemed like I was gone for forever, well not really, it’s more likely a little over two months for sure and that was totally intentional. Though I was not actively posting anything, I was still able to drop a few comments and likes on some posts. Now, you might want to know why I stayed away from blogging for a little while and to satisfy your curiosity, I just thought I needed to take a break for all the usual reasons such as:

– Blogging has become more of a chore than a hobby. The perfectionist and workaholic in me just couldn’t let it go easily when I don’t have anything to post. It bothers me big time.
– Reading books was not as enjoyable as it used to be, it also has become more of a chore for me. I was in a rut, I just couldn’t find the motivation and mood to read.
– Creativity and imagination are nowhere to be found.
– Couldn’t think of anything to post other than the usual. The usual stuff I post here like ranting my heart out, complaining about my life seemed not right in a sense that I certainly do not want to share my negativities to other people.
– Brain is rusty and foggy and not working properly.
– Life issues because life is unfair.

Now that I acknowledged that I just couldn’t stay away from blogging anymore doesn’t mean that I screamed EUREKA! in the middle of my bath and got it all figured out. No! That’s totally not the case. I am still feeling the same and as clueless two months ago. I have never experienced a light bulb flashing at the top of my head and said “AHA!” in those two months that I have been inactive. But I am slowly getting back into reading again and I miss writing and posting. I am definitely still in a rut but that’s fine, what can I do, life happens.

Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Gerry,

I am writing this letter to you as a warning maybe, of what awaits ahead of you in life. I know it was tough growing up in a confusing family background that only you and I can ever understand. It was also very hard being the eldest kid in the family as you as always worry about everything, even little things but that is just something that you cannot change about you, it is innate with you. You worry too much and you always over-rationalize things, I’d like to say that these things can make your life difficult in the future as it hinders you from doing the things that you supposed to do.

As you grow older, you’ll experience a lot of fear, doubt, envy, jealousy, and even anger. I am not telling you this to scare you in any way, this is to tell you that you’ll be spending your young adult life with these negative feelings and emotions, you’ll feel betrayed and your patience will be put to a test. This is to prepare you so that it’ll not overwhelm you too much just like what I’ve experienced or you can do something better about it, so you wouldn’t go through what I’ve gone through. With that maybe we both can have a different future. Quarter-life crisis will get you so bad, frustration and regret will be a part of your everyday life. These happened because you know, I messed up. Actually, these past couple of days, I’ve been beating myself up thinking of the things that I regret so much and the things that I could’ve done differently so I wouldn’t be stuck in this phase of my life right now. Oh how I hate that word: stuck, idle, slump, pause, just because I am so guilty of it. Yes dear, I am stuck for five long years now, still searching for answers that don’t seem to be found.

I know I sound like I complain so much about how my life has turned out and that’s because I am complaining about it and it’s nobody’s fault but me. I am to blame for all of this; I know that, so I cannot help to think that once you messed up, you can really mess up big.

As I’ve told you, I am not saying this to scare you or pressure you. I just want you to be prepared because that’s what I’ve felt before this idleness happened. I felt like I have just focused on finishing school and did not fully prepare to the life after that and that was when it all started, that was when life overwhelms me so much that it made me what I am now: a coward, irresponsible, shameless – in a way that I can only explain, and a great procrastinator.

Well, life isn’t about all the bad things, of course there are also good things that happened. I cannot list any of them as my mind is clouded with so many negativities – I know, my bad – but I know deep down in me that there are. I’ve been wishing to have a time machine so that I can go back to the time where this all started but goodness gracious! I am well aware that there’s no such thing as time machine or going back in time. I am still sane enough that I know that’s not possible and you know what? Even if ever given the chance to do that, I think I still wouldn’t change a thing because I’ve learned many things in those five years. I have definitely become more mature and slowly having a different but better mindset.

Don’t worry I’m not letting myself to end up like this forever. I may be struggling but I am thriving and surviving that’s for sure. All I want to say to you my younger me is to not be scared and be prepared – mentally- so things cannot overwhelm you so easily which makes you lose focus and forget everything you planned. When life gets difficult, just hang in there.

People and even I, may not have given you enough credit for all the things you’ve accomplish, forced to mature at  young age and basically, for getting through so much … I tell you, you are already one heck of a girl.


Always wishing you courage, confidence and happiness,

the 24-year old version of you

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

This is another book that I would want to have a physical copy of because I just related a lot to it. I know this is a book that isn’t really alien to a lot of us anymore because a lot of people actually have raved about it and talked about it that it has even been adapted into a movie which starred by Julia Roberts.

Eat, Pray, Love is the story of the author herself, Elizabeth Gilbert, about her journey of self-discovery. She has everything a woman could ask for: a husband, a house in New York and a successful career as a writer and yet she still felt empty and unhappy. So she divorced her husband, left everything she had and embarked on an adventure to find herself. That’s how she spent four months in Italy for pleasure through amazing food and learning the language, then she spent another four months in India for devotion. There she went in an Ashram and learned about the power of prayer and meditation. After that she spent her final four months in Bali for balance between pleasure/enjoyment and spirituality.

For the first part which was set in Italy, I found it a little bit hard to read for some reason. It was supposed to highlight the ‘pleasure’ part but for me, I felt like it was a bit lacking like it wasn’t really explored that much. It mostly talked about her fallen marriage, the painstaking process of the divorce and the depression she experienced after that. For the second part which was set in an Ashram in India, among the three parts, this is the one that stood out for me, maybe because this was the one in which I have related a little bit to her because she talked more about the battles she has with herself. Even though I do not know anything about yoga and/or meditation, I was fascinated by the concepts of it which has really intrigued me. And for the last part which was set in Bali, Indonesia, well I think it was just an okay story.

The things that I surely love from this book are her writing style and her sense of humor. I love the way she writes with flowery and descriptive words, oh I’m a fan with that and I found it really entertaining, her humor is on point. While reading the book, it felt like as if I was just listening to a friend sharing these stories over a cup of coffee which I have really admired.

If you’d ask me who my favorite character is,  well I have two actually. First, can I have me some Ketut Liyer please? I really really like his personality. Whenever the story motioned to him, I never failed to have a smug on my face, he’s just so cute. Who wouldn’t want an enlightened friend, right? If you needed advise on to anything in life just ask him and before you knew it, you already have the answer. Second, I’d like me to have some Richard from Texas too please. He may be annoying at first because he may have the tendency to stick his nose in onto your business/life but that was just because he wanted you to realize something, or at least for me, that’s how I envisioned him. But he’s an enlightened friend as well, just like Ketut, he can give you the advises and answers that you need  too. And the other thing that I like about him so much, is that he makes the weird yet sweet endearment, just like how he calls Liz, he calls her Groceries.

All in all it was an entertaining experience of reading, though I do not completely love it but I do not hate it either. Did I mention that I really like her writing style? Do I recommend this? Maybe to those people whom I think can relate, yes. If you’re plainly curious about this book then I don’t think it’ll hurt to give this a try, you never know what a book can teach you because I have definitely learned few things from here. Through this book, I have taken in consideration that I may be a control freak.

“Life didn’t go your way for once. And nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not ‘goin her way.”

– So me. No, that is literally me. It drives me mad when things doesn’t go the way I want them to be.

And also through this book, I’ve discover my favorite parting endearment ever. It goes like this: ‘See you later, alligator.’ then the answer to that would be ‘In a while, crocodile.’ Isn’t that just cute and adorable? No? Just me? It never failed to make me smile and giggle whenever I read that. I think that came from Ketut too, see I just love him so much.

And if you are a sucker for good quotes, hmmm .. you’ll definitely find plenty in this book, with that being said, allow me to share some of my favorites:

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.

You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.

You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

That’s all for now folks. ^^  See you all later, alligators. —-> I am just really fond of this parting endearment, so I have all the intention to copy it. 😀

Listening To My Body

I have been living with a sedentary lifestyle for so long and it’s slowly showing with how my body behave. Dieting isn’t in my vocabulary, really. I love food, there is no way I can completely omit anything that I love to eat but what I have to do is to be less greedy with consuming them. I’m not really a picky eater; as long as it tastes good then I’m going to eat it, simple as that. Exercising? I do that once a while. I used to do running in the morning at least 3 times a week but nowadays, I do none of that.

I am getting really frustrated with how my body rebels. I feel so lethargic and the energy is low even during the days that I manage to have at least 8 hours of sleep. I can feel my shorts and jeans getting tighter on me. I can feel my belly pooch and muffin top bouncing even my thighs are wiggling when I walk. I get constipated more often, my skin is parched and my lips are always chapping which is why I cannot live without my lip balm. The most depressing of them all is that my face is flaring up, like crazy. My acne is at its peak, again. I’m getting really tired with dealing with these big, red, super painful zits that won’t seem to disappear.

It’s proven that one of the triggering factors of these things is the bad foods that I am putting in my body. It is not an alien thing to say that I may have the biggest sweet tooth in the planet, I crave desserts and sweet foods all the freaking’ time. May it be a piece of candy, a square of chocolate, a scoop of ice cream or a bite of cake? Sweets completes my day. After every meal there are two things I crave, it’s either a cup of tea/coffee and something sweet. But unfortunately, sugar is inflammatory. No wonder acne loves my face so much and fats are deposited in many places.

I don’t just blame sugar in all of this, meat and dairy are the culprits too. My family and I tend to consume more meat than anything else because that’s what the people here in the house loves to eat except for my mom and I, who prefer to eat fish, fruits and veggies. But with regards to white bread, butter, egg and milk, that we all love that’s for sure. I’ve noticed that whenever I consume meat and dairy for consecutive days, I feel so bloated and trips to the toilet are hard to come by then those big zits shows up crowding face. I am grumpy and very moody the whole day. I also feel that my body is heavy and I’m just plainly lazy to move, all I want to do is to sleep or just lie in bed and do nothing. Memory isn’t really that good, nothing seems to retain in this messy brain of mine.

For the days when we mainly have fish and veggies for our meals, I actually feel differently. The body is lighter; digestion is not a problem at all. The mind is a lot clearer and I tend to be more productive. The energy is high as if I am not getting tired at all and always up to do things I put my mind into. The mood is definitely so much brighter and happier.

Drinking more tea, coffee or soda than water is also a problem than I’m still working on but I’m definitely getting better at. My mom bought me a tumbler so that I can take it anywhere with me and not forget to drink it. I’ve set it to myself that I need to drink at least 4 of that tumbler throughout the day and the sense of fulfillment I feel when I do is surreal.

Another thing that I’m still working on and is nowhere near better is trying to sleep on time. If you follow me on twitter you definitely know how much I complain about my very dysfunctional sleeping pattern. Nowadays, I usually sleep at around 3 or 4 in the morning and wake up at around 1:30 to 2:30 in the afternoon. Imagine how much of the day I lose to sleep? My ultimate goal with this is to get back my old sleeping habit when I go to sleep at 1o in the evening and wake up at around 7 or 7:30 in the morning. That is when I usually feel at my best.

I am feeling really guilty about how my body behaves these days, and yes body I hear you! I was a little slow but I hear you and I’m listening to you now. I cannot do massive changes all of a sudden. I plan on approaching these changes slowly but surely.

 

15 Things About Me

I have been reading blogs a lot lately and some of the posts that I really enjoy reading are about their goals for the month, agendas for the day, plans, random facts about themselves, basically, things about the lives of the bloggers. So, I thought why not share some things that you may or may not know about me. 🙂

1. I love food. Who doesn’t? I don’t mind inhaling my food to the point that my tummy feels like exploding, seriously, I won’t stop eating unless I feel full. The kind of fullness when you know your stomach have stretched out to its almost maximum capacity. I over-eat if not all the time then most of the time.

2. I enjoy listening to acoustic songs. Guitars, pianos, violins and saxophones are my ears favorites.

3. I like beaches. The sight, the feel, the smell and the sound of it relaxes me and calms me like I have no worries and problems at all.

4. I suck at memorizing names, dates, numbers, places and directions. I suck at remembering details too. I may know that someone did something bad to me but I may not remember what it was that that someone did to me. What do you think, do I have memory problems? Do I need to take some memory enhancers?

5. I am a beverage-all-the-time type of person. Coffee, tea, juice, and/or  water if I ever remember. I like sipping a drink while reading, watching, studying or just whenever possible.

6. I like singing and dancing but my voice and body aren’t made to sing and dance. So I only do that at the shower then.

7. I get hot easily. I don’t mind being bundled up and cozy than being a sweaty mess. I just cannot stand heat for long, so that can get me really irritated, so mood swings are not shocking at all.

8. I always get itchy to clean and organize everything every time I see a mess. The OC in me can never really take it.

9. It pisses me off when someone borrows my stuff and not give it back to me the way I lent it to them or at least be tidy and careful when using it.

10. I don’t know how to swim so that makes it on the list of things that I would want to learn.

11. I am a creature of habit so changes, even the littlest one, can freak the crap out of me. Big time.

12. One of the things that I find attractive about guys is a slightly hoarse, raspy voice in a sexy kind of way like the voices of Oliver James, Zac Efron, Alejandro of Boyce Avenue and Josh Groban. Just thinking about it makes me giggly. *insert a blushing face here*

13. I originally dreamed of working in an office with a blasting air conditioner because you know, I hate being hot and sweaty and I like paper works. Then I dreamed of being a chef but unfortunately I have been veered away from it even before I can explore my abilities and skills for cooking.

14. I used to be allergic to sea foods, anything that has shells on them. I would swell like a puffer fish, would feel so hot as if I’m on fever, would even turn red like a cooked crab and what I liked to do with that was to .. sleep, so when I wake up it would feel like nothing happened.

15. If you ever get confused as to what flavor to get me, you can never go wrong with chocolate, of course. If that one is out of option then double-dutch, vanilla or even strawberry will do.

There’s so much more I’d like to share but I think that’ll do for now, maybe next time then. Let me know if there’s something you’re curious about, I’d gladly answer it or if you want you can just share something about you, that’ll be really cool. 🙂