Feeling Pressured, Getting More Anxious and Being Grateful

I am typing this up at 10:30 in the evening of January 19th. I surprisingly woke up today at around 7:15 in the morning though I didn’t sleep until like 4 am but it was one of those kind of sleep that even though it was just a few hours, it felt like you’ve had a long and quality one which made me feel so great. Too lazy to get out of bed yet, I then chatted with a guy friend and we were having a good conversation when one of my girl friend sent me a message saying that if I ever decide to go to the National Library, I should tell her and we’ll go together. I wondered why, so I replied asking if she really meant the National Library or the National Museum, because it’s the latter that I have been meaning to visit in such a long time. She confirmed the former and I asked her why would she want to hang out in the library and she answered to review and study. This was when my heart started racing.

She said that she just enrolled herself in a review center for IELTS, the english exam that needed to pass in order to work abroad. That my friends, have been my original plan. I have been wanting to take that exam also but I don’t want to waste it because as far as I  know, it has only two years validity. I do not want to waste effort to pass that exam and not use it because I can’t really apply for  abroad just yet since I still don’t have working experience which is a must in order to apply for a job abroad. I also felt really guilty when she told me that it should be me who’s doing that.

I felt really agitated, I found myself walking to the living room then back to my bed again many times while I was chatting with both of them. I then noticed I was having shallow breathing, followed by a little shaking of the hands and knees and actually felt like crying. I couldn’t help myself, I knew I needed to get this thing off my chest to relax so I told my guy friend about it. I told him how I suddenly felt pressured, really frustrated and just couldn’t help myself to think that me and her started college together, we graduated together, we pass the boards together but now she’s in step 3 while I am still stuck in step 1. This may sound shallow to you but it obviously isn’t for me. You have no idea how frustrating my life is right now.

I really appreciate him because he gave me advises and words of wisdom that really made sense. I appreciate that now I have someone to talk to about the things that I have never talk about even with my family or my friends. He listened to me without judgment and gave me words of encouragement and reassurance that I am just a normal human being. That I may have lost tempo in my life, there’s still a lot of time to get back and catch up with it.

The next thing I knew, I was able to slowly let go and relax. Though the morning turned stressful, I’m happy that it still ended up in a good note and gaining new realizations about myself which I am really thankful for.


Growing Anxious

It’s 2:39 in the morning of January 13th as I am typing this. Honestly, I don’t have any plan of putting up a post. This sudden urge of typing this came out of nowhere, no that’s probably a lie.

It all started when my mom commented to me earlier  that I’m starting to eat so much again, “Tumatakaw ka na naman.” in her exact words. That came like a slap in my face, then just like in movies, I saw scenes from the past days and weeks about changes I noticed  in my body and in my being in general. Stress eating, those were the two words that my mind yelled at me oh so loud.

That’s a proof that I am in a major deal of stress right now. My mind isn’t functioning well which isn’t really helpful at all. That stress eating realization snowballed so quickly then was confronted with all my concerns, worries and problems that I noticed my heart pounded so fast that it felt like I just ran for 20 minutes straight. No kidding. Inside my head, everything was in chaos, I couldn’t really point what it was exactly I was trying to think.  I felt really uncomfortable that I retreated to have a long shower. The cold water helped a little in calming me but not much really. I came out of the shower with my chest still thundering. I was trying to breathe deeply while I was doing my after-shower routine in the hope of calming myself more.

The next thing I know, I am typing up this post with Yiruma’s music playing in my ear, which I don’t really know what I’m trying to make or take out of this post. Maybe just for some cathartic release because everything is so much for my brain right now.

Brain Dump: It’s A ‘Me’ Day

I wasn’t able to sleep last night until 6:30 this morning. I was up the whole night watching videos, listening to music while playing Hay Day. At 5:30am I was hungry and right timing, our helper just bought some pandesal, my most favorite local bread. It was freshly baked, still hot, I took a bite and got myself a steaming mug of black coffee. I made myself cozy eating outside the house, sipping my coffee while watching the sky changed colors. It was such a great view to witnessed and together with the voice of Daniela Andrade playing in my ears, I felt so relaxed.

I then realized that I haven’t felt that way in a while. It made me realized I’ve missed that chill, laid-back, relax feeling like you don’t have anything to worry about. I’ve felt the way how my mind and my body relaxes at that moment. It’s undeniable that these past months, my mind were everywhere, always thinking of so many things. My thoughts then drifted into the things that kind of bothered me recently like the amount of hair fall that I see in the drain when I shower and also the intensity of my breakouts these days.

Whenever I go to a salon, the person who washes, cuts or treats my hair never fail to comment to me that my hair is as thick as the hair of four heads combined. Yes, I have a very think hair and it’s also a normal thing that I see a clump of hair fall in the drain but these days, the amount of hair fall has gone a lot than the normal and it really bothers me. I couldn’t help thinking if I am losing too much hair, the same also goes to my breakouts.

I started having breakouts at around the last few weeks of June last year. At first, my acne was mainly in my chin area but it graduated into my cheeks also and it’s worst right now. I claimed that cystic acne is what I have and it is such a torture in every way. It’s painful, it’s red, it’s big and the marks it leaves are really horrible.

I have been in denial, I admit that. I see myself in a mirror a handful of times a day but I don’t really pay attention to the reflection. Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, deeper and then I saw how negligent I am with my body. My body is suffering so much right now simply because I’m stressed out. I am in a great deal of stress right now, from family issues, financial concerns to my frustrations and dilemmas about myself. I’m turning 23 in about a month and the so called quarter life crisis is already hitting me so hard right now.

My under-eye circles are terrible, my acne are horrible, my skin is dry, my hair is also dry, freezy and poofy. I couldn’t tell if I have gain weight or I lose weight but what I know is I’m eating a lot than usual and a lot of unhealthy foods. I don’t exercise ans not even consistent in my skin care routine.

So, when I woke up at around 12:30 in the afternoon, I grabbed the coffee grinds from the coffee maker and brought it in the shower and scrubbed myself, gently of course. I have even treated my hair with a homemade mask. I also gave myself an at home manicure and pedicure, I’ve painted my nails in nude pink. I then watched and episode of NCIS:Los Angeles and after I began reading a new book. After dinner, I cuddled with my poodle, fed my guinea pig and is now watching TLC while typing this up. Yes that’s how I pamper myself. I do it in the simplest way possible. What can I do? I’m just a simple person.

My Stress-Relieving Activities

Stressed. Messed up. This is where I am right now with all the frustrations about my personal life and job hunting and many stuff. And I need a break for myself’s sake! So that I can be able to think better later.

And taking a break means doing my stress-relieving activities. Allow me to share to you what works for me:

1. I go out. Alone. I need a me time. I usually go to the mall and just do my thing in there, window shopping, buying my essentials, chilling in a coffee/tea shop and spending most of my time in a bookstore (my favorite). I go to all of the bookstores in the mall. Yeah it sounds tiring  but whenever I’m there, there’s not even a speck of my problematic thoughts comes in mind. And that’s want I want. At least for the mean time. You may never know what a book can give you.

2. If I can’t go out, well, I just do the usual old trick. All I need are a good cup of coffee/tea and a good book. Or if I’m not in the mood for reading, I’ll just watch my favorite tv shows instead. I’m obsessed with crime shows (CSI and Hawaii Five-O are at the top of the list) and travel and cooking shows. 

3. Hanging out with friends. Need I say more? It’s not just for the good and enjoyable time they can give you, if you are comfortable of sharing your situation to them, do so. You don’t have to be alone in your problems. Remember the saying “No man is an island.”

4. I run, my most favorite thing at this moment. For me, it’s an effective stress-relieving activity, at least for me. That’s actually how I have sorted out some of my concerns and I am so happy with that. As we all know, exercising is healthy for the body and also for the mind. So yeah, you can never go wrong in dedicating some time to run. 

5. Going to church. I’m not really a religious person but I have to say attending a mass on a Sunday never fails to calm my nerves. I don’t know what’s with churches but whenever I’m there, I feel secured. I feel protected. I feel safe. Dramatic, right? But that’s really how I feel. And talking to Him, someone who will never judge you and whom you can be your 100% self, is such a great feeling and a great help for someone like me who prefers to keep my problems with myself.

That’s what I do when things are suffocating me. It may not work for others but that’s how I do it, my way of calming my inner storm. How about you, what do you do to have a break from your stresses?