Realizations of 2016

2016 has been like a wind for me. It came and just flew by.  Out of all the years that I have been a bum, 2016 has been the laziest year for me because literally I’ve accomplished nothing. It felt like I did so many things when in fact I did nothing at all. But I have to say though that in 2016 I have realized so much about myself so I think I can say that the resolutions I’ve had last year weren’t entirely useless.

Doing things right away

I swear I can be the queen of procrastination; I am so guilty of that but this is something that I can say that I am getting better at. Just do all the things that you can right away. Don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day after that because there’s a huge chance that you’ll never get to it. STOP putting off what you can do right away. JUST DO IT!

Not caring about what other people says

This is still a work in progress for sure but towards the end of 2016, I just noticed myself not giving a damn about every single thing that people say or think about me. I learned to hear them out and their sentiments but not letting myself be easily affected by it. I think learning about this comes with age because once I turned 25, this thing have become easier for me.

Speaking up

I used to be that person who just can’t say no, always saying yes even though I don’t really want to. I’ve noticed that with my friends and family I have been a little more vocal about my preferences, my likes and dislikes. If I have an opinion to share, I am not that afraid anymore to voice out what’s on my mind but of course I think before I speak. I make sure that I relay my message in a polite way.

Being more open-minded about love and relationship

I claim myself being the president of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth Club, I’m still going strong at it. Yes, I’m 25 and have never had a boyfriend ever before. But I’m at that age where many people around me are marrying and having babies already. When I scroll through my Facebook feed, mostly that I see are photos of weddings and newborn babies. I am not feeling pressured in any way but when my mom told me that before when I was younger, she was worried that I’ll have a boyfriend and neglect my studies, get pregnant and end up being a single teenage mom but now she’s worried that I may never get married and have babies of my own at all. That worries me too, actually. I am not a man hater but surely they’ve given me a lot of bad impressions.

Being more comfortable with my skin despite my acne

I am naturally a total homebody, I prefer being at home most of the time but there were also a lot of times when I wanted to go out and hang out with friends but ended up not going because I didn’t know how to make myself presentable. I felt disgusting because my skin looked disgusting and I knew piling on layers of makeup over it will just make it worst. I must admit that my skin discouraged me from going out and being sociable. My friends have seen me when I had a clear and smooth skin just like a baby and they’ve seen me at my worst, big angry swollen painful zits everywhere in my face and they’re totally fine with it. So I realized why the heck I would be embarrass about my acne, it’s not like acne is a rare thing. Sure, some of my friends teased me for it and still up to this day but I know that it’s the teasing in a non-judgmental way, it’s more to annoy me really. Now, I don’t mind going out of the house in my bare face. I even go to the mall, to the church or to the supermarket without a speck of makeup in my face because who cares and why not. It’s not like you’re going to meet all those people who see you again, right?

What are the realizations you’ve taken away from 2016? I would love to know. Don’t hesitate to share. 🙂


Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.

The Struggle Is Real

I am too tired of this. I am too tired of waking up in the morning not really looking forward to anything. I am too tired of having an empty day because all I do is sleep and eat. I am too tired of being embarrassed. I am too tired of being scared. I am too tired of being so hard to myself and beating myself up all the time. Basically, I am too tired of everything in my life right now. But don’t worry though, this is not a suicidal note, I am not that kind of person. I just really want to dump of all these thoughts I have in my head to hopefully remove, if not all then most of the clutters in my brain.

Do you know the reason why I prefer sleeping in the morning and being awake at night? Of course not, right? No one knows actually but I’d like to share it with you. I prefer to be awake at night because everyone is already sleeping; it’s quiet and the introvert in me really like that. I can freely walk the house without worrying for someone bugging me of things that I know and am already aware of. I prefer to be asleep in the morning because I’m avoiding to be nagged at by my mom as to why I’m always cooped up in my room, always reminding me that I’m turning 25 this year and still accomplished nothing, asking me non-stop as to what my plans are, when will I get a job and enjoy life. I prefer to be asleep in the morning to not see my dad’s sufferings. He worked hard for my studies and now that I’ve finished school and am already a registered nurse, I am supposed to be helping him to support our family because I am more than aware that it’s already too much for him but still here I am, doing nothing. I appreciate all of those nagging and constant questions and reminders because that only shows how concerned and worried they are for me but there are times that it’s just too much to hear. It’s like reality repeatedly slapping me in the face to make me realize of how incapable I am with my life.

I regret wasting 5 years of my life and still counting, for doing nothing. Right at that moment when I graduated and stepped out of college, all of my plans suddenly disappeared like I never planned them at all. It was replaced by anxiety, fear and uncertainty. It kind of felt like a door opened up and unleashed an enormous monster of responsibilities that suddenly was put on my shoulders. It was so overwhelming that it sucked out my rational being and left me with nothing in my brain. Until now I am still contemplating as to what I want to do. My transition from being a teenager into being a young adult was a very rough and bumpy ride, with nothing happened, it was a complete waste of time. And now that I am entering my mid 20’s, I can see that it’ll be a rougher and bumpier ride but this time, I am hoping that it’ll be a worthwhile phase and journey.  This may be what they call as quarter life crisis.

I may be okay with eating 2 plates of rice, emptying 2 bags of chips, drinking a liter of soda and eating a whole bar of chocolates all by myself; I may be okay going out to the market or to the mall in my bare face despite of my bad acne; I may have no problems in those areas but the confidence to myself and to the things that I could do is the part where I’m greatly lacking and struggling. As I’ve said before, my self-esteem and self-confidence is nowhere to be found but six feet under the ground, add in me being anxious of almost everything, I’m thinking how worse it can get.

I guess I really am at the point in my life where I am forced to make decisions. Be a real adult. Learn to do and make things on my own. Figure things out on my own and not be afraid of changes. Be the real captain of my life and sail it towards the direction that I want it to be. But let’s admit it, it’s all easier said than done, right?

I do want and is very eager to turn over a page and get on to the next chapter of my life so badly but I don’t really know why I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know if I am just over-rationalizing things resulting with me being frightened so much or if I am just really holding myself back for reasons that I can’t even understand. A friend of mine have told me that if I stop being scared and start walking to my goals, I could’ve gone far by now. It’s such a torture when you know yourself that you could’ve done so much and could’ve done better but you just don’t know how.

It is just so frustrating and maddening whenever I think back of the time when my friends and I have finish nursing school, took the nursing licensure exam, got licensed and have become registered nurses all at the same time but seeing now that they are way ahead on the road and I am being left behind. I am not comparing to downgrade myself; it is to overview that I could’ve advanced in the road as much as they did, that I could’ve walked side by side with them and on their pace. Many times I have wondered why I am not as courageous as them and why I am not as confident as them. Yeah, why is that? Because maybe if I am, who knows where I could be and what I have been doing right now or if ever I will be in this situation.

Whenever I try to get back to the root of it all, I’ve always come to realize that maybe I was too focused on graduating college and getting licensed that that was exactly the entirety of my plan. Sure, I have had a vision of what my life after college would be but the reality was, I have left out or I haven’t gotten around planning it in details. Maybe that is why I am in the dark right now trying to find the door out of it. And/or maybe I really just wasn’t ready to be an adult yet that’s why I have gotten tremendously overwhelmed by the sudden change and got scared of the magnificent responsibilities that have come with it.

And so right at this moment, a question suddenly popped up out of nowhere; What now?

Late Night Thoughts and Scribbles

I wasn’t able to sleep last night until the sunlight peeped through the window despite of my efforts to do so. I am pretty sure that I have drifted through a nap at around 10:35 pm because the next time I laid my eyes on the clock it was already 11:10 pm so maybe that’s why. Of course, I have tried putting myself to sleep, laid on my bed in the most comfortable position, hugging a pillow under the soft blanket but still in the end, it just gave me a terrible throbbing headache. I surrendered. I stood up and gobbled down two cookies and a glassful of cold water in the darkness of our kitchen. While munching on my cookies, I realized that my mind was everywhere, it just couldn’t stop thinking. I didn’t know what to think first as the thoughts swarmed on me. In resignation and in my desire to give myself peace, I grabbed a notebook and pen and scribbled down the thoughts in my brain.

For the first time in a long while, I’ve acknowledged that I am a shy, jealous, insecure, and frustrated person who is living in a messy, judgmental world. I am jealous of my friends who are living the lives that they want, who are continually writing the chapters of their lives with no interruptions. I am insecure of their courage and confidence, the things that I doubt I have. I am insecure of how certain they are for the path that they are taking, it seems like the roads were already laid down for them, while I feel like I am in a middle of a crossroad, having no idea which way to take.

I then was thinking about the things that I want to do and why I just couldn’t do them, the reasons all came down to having no resources to do so. How to have resources? By getting a job of course. That was when I considered working on the quickest job that I can take, you know just to earn some money for me to be able to start the life that I want. So, I am now strongly considering a job in a call center because that’s what I think the quickest that I can get. It’ll be just a step until I can support my plan of moving out to a different city. I always say to myself, one step at a time until you get to the goal, that way you can have realistic plans.

I ended my note with: Enough of pleasing other people. Enough of thinking and listening to what they say. Enough of being a puppet. Enough of the cowardice and Start doing. It is not wrong to think of myself once in a while and do the things that can make me happy.

I strongly recommend when you feel like you’re being overwhelmed with your thoughts and feelings, write it down. I always hear or read about it but I just shrug it off like it’s nothing but now that I really did it, I could say that it is really effective in organizing the thoughts and declutter the mess and chaos that I created in my head.

My Stress-Relieving Activities

Stressed. Messed up. This is where I am right now with all the frustrations about my personal life and job hunting and many stuff. And I need a break for myself’s sake! So that I can be able to think better later.

And taking a break means doing my stress-relieving activities. Allow me to share to you what works for me:

1. I go out. Alone. I need a me time. I usually go to the mall and just do my thing in there, window shopping, buying my essentials, chilling in a coffee/tea shop and spending most of my time in a bookstore (my favorite). I go to all of the bookstores in the mall. Yeah it sounds tiring  but whenever I’m there, there’s not even a speck of my problematic thoughts comes in mind. And that’s want I want. At least for the mean time. You may never know what a book can give you.

2. If I can’t go out, well, I just do the usual old trick. All I need are a good cup of coffee/tea and a good book. Or if I’m not in the mood for reading, I’ll just watch my favorite tv shows instead. I’m obsessed with crime shows (CSI and Hawaii Five-O are at the top of the list) and travel and cooking shows. 

3. Hanging out with friends. Need I say more? It’s not just for the good and enjoyable time they can give you, if you are comfortable of sharing your situation to them, do so. You don’t have to be alone in your problems. Remember the saying “No man is an island.”

4. I run, my most favorite thing at this moment. For me, it’s an effective stress-relieving activity, at least for me. That’s actually how I have sorted out some of my concerns and I am so happy with that. As we all know, exercising is healthy for the body and also for the mind. So yeah, you can never go wrong in dedicating some time to run. 

5. Going to church. I’m not really a religious person but I have to say attending a mass on a Sunday never fails to calm my nerves. I don’t know what’s with churches but whenever I’m there, I feel secured. I feel protected. I feel safe. Dramatic, right? But that’s really how I feel. And talking to Him, someone who will never judge you and whom you can be your 100% self, is such a great feeling and a great help for someone like me who prefers to keep my problems with myself.

That’s what I do when things are suffocating me. It may not work for others but that’s how I do it, my way of calming my inner storm. How about you, what do you do to have a break from your stresses?

Is it okay?

My mind is all over the place right now. I can’t decide what to do next. I badly need a job right now but it seems like no one wants to hire me, and that leads me to think why not try my luck to other careers. Here in my area, call center companies are always hiring and the qualifications are really not that hard to reach and I’m thinking I might have a good chance to land a job in there but the thing is I really don’t know if I can last in that kind of job.

I have always thought of applying to a call center company but I never did try because I know in my mind that I will not enjoy it.

What do you think? Is it okay if I try to apply in a call center company? I prefer landing a job as a nurse, my profession but just like what I said seems like they don’t want to hire me because most of them prefer those who have experience.

*sigh* I can’t really think straight right now.