Brain Dump

Hello September! Seriously, someone please slow down this thing called time. Tell it not to be in so much hurry. I’m really losing my mind here. It’s my birthday month, I’m officially turning a year older next week and to be honest, I am not so excited about that. Just the thought of my birthday coming up is giving me so much pressure. About life. My life. What have I been doing all this time? Really. Does someone know? Me? I don’t. I’m as clueless as any other person I ask.

What in the world?! Am I really this hopeless? Frustration and disappointment is such a combo I’m living in nowadays. It’s like a perfect pair for ruined confidence. They’re the very things I’m seeing in my mom’s eyes and hearing in my mom’s words. How about that? Guilt trip. If there’s one person I’d like to please, that’ll be my mom. Before I was wishing that she should start to slowly loosen her grip on me with her being the overprotective mom that she is. But now, I notice that she’s already doing just that. She always tells me that she’s hoping and praying that I’d get my lazy butt up and get out of this ‘slump‘ and to actually start to get my life together. I even heard her tell her friends one afternoon that she’s hoping for me to get married. And in my mind I was like, “What the heck is she talking about?” then she continued that it’s a little impossible at the moment since I don’t even date yet. How I wish someone saw the smug on my face when I heard that and even now as I am thinking about it.

Obviously, she had expected so much more from me than being just a couch potato, a slob, a bum whatever you want to call it. The only motivation I have now is her scream of happiness and pride when I passed the nursing licensure exam. She prided herself to her friends the fact that I passed the board exam in one try right after college. She of course then expected that I’d get my first job in the same year after a few months of resting which for her meant that of me getting ready to dive into the so called real world. But the few months turned into six years. Can you believe that? Who wouldn’t be so frustrated and disappointed about that? In that sense, I’m pathetic and I’m greatly ashamed of it. It was never my intention but it happened nonetheless. There’s nothing to say about it but that I highly highly regretted these six years of me being an extra mouth to feed, an extra body that crowd our house and an extra person that my parents have to worry about.

So, do you see now where this humongous pressure I’m feeling right now coming from? I’m getting older. I cannot deny that and all I want really is to finally be able to grow up but of course as life is unfair, realizing it is just one thing, you still have to follow through and actually do it. Why is adulthood so hard and complicated?

When someone says, if they have my diploma, if they have my license, if they have my age, they for sure – this words are always emphasized – have already gone far. You have no idea how many times I have been told that. Sounds so easy, right? But is it really just that easy? Because if it is then maybe I’m stupider that I think I am.

Does maturity really comes with age? In my case, maybe it is because now I am becoming more aware of my decisions and actions but I know I can still be as immature as ever. All I know at this moment is that, I may have lost my timing, my rhythm, my plan and even myself; I still have the ability to get back up again. So, go lang ng go.

Now, enough of this ranting and negativities.

September is supposed to be for good vibes. We should start feeling the tickle of excitement as it slowly builds up to the thrill, fun and enjoyment for the holiday season. I know it is my birthday month even without a calendar when I hear Christmas songs and Jose Mari Chan’s music playing somewhere or everywhere really. I don’t know what to say anymore so I think I have to end this post now. The end.

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The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks – ČuvarAfter reading the last book that I’ve read entitled Second Life by S.J Watson which undeniably gave me an ambiguous thoughts and feelings about it, I realized I was feeling something light to read next. Something that I know will get me in some way. I was scrolling through my ebooks and Nicholas Sparks name was waving at me and I said to myself why not.

The Guardian tells a story about Julie Barenson who was widowed at the young age of twenty-five but her husband left her a letter telling her that he has gotten her a puppy, a great dane that she named Singer, for her to have as a company since she has no family and also a promise that even though he was already gone he would still always be watching over her. Now four years later, the twenty-nine year old Julie started dating as she feels like she’s ready to commit again. But who to choose? Richard Franklin who is a sophisticated engineer who treats her like a queen or Mike Harris who is down to earth and happens to be her husband’s best friend?

————————————- NOTE: MAY CONTAIN SPOILER! —————————————–

For me, the beginning was a little slow but I wasn’t really greatly bothered by that. I liked the fact that the story has a dog involved in it, maybe it’s the dog-lover in me. I absolutely adored Singer, him being a Great Dane and of course his personality. I loved how Julie gradually realized her feelings for Mike. I really loved the fact that Julie and Mike has been friends for years before they even recognized their true feelings for each other. I am such a sucker for that. I really dig that. I found myself smiling and feeling so kilig with their interactions.

As for character development, I may be blinded with all the romance but I thought I didn’t see much of that. The plot and the twists, I didn’t find them shocking or new. In other words, it has been predictable. It was nothing that I haven’t read before but I didn’t mind that as it’s the details in the story that I am always interested about.

One other thing that I loved about this novel was when I discovered that this story was not entirely just romance. The first half yes it was all romance – cheesy and sweet – but the latter half was thriller. Can you believe it? If you have been a long time reader of mine, you know me and my love for thrillers. It was the part that I did not expected. I did not see that coming at all. I really felt like I was in my element while reading that part.

All in all, The Guardian is a fun and entertaining read. I enjoyed my journey reading this. Will I recommend this? Yes, especially if you’re someone who likes romance and thriller and the mixture of it, this may be a treat for you.

Second Life by S.J Watson

aaSecond Life is a psychological thriller written by S.J Watson who is the same writer of the successful novel Before I Go To Sleep which I remember I liked.

The book is about Julia who is living a happy life in London with her husband, Hugh, and a teenage son, Connor, when suddenly her world is shaken up when her sister, Kate, was murdered in Paris. She’s convinced that the police isn’t doing the best they can to catch the culprit, so Julia decides to take matters into her own hands. She finds her sister’s filofax and inside sees something that might be a username and a password for a website that her sister frequented. Aware of the danger, she dives into the world of cybersex, living another life by trying to pretend she’s Kate which to her seems like a good idea in the hope that she may lure her sister’s killer into captive. But soon realizes she’s falling more than what she bargained for.

This is one of those books that you’ll either love or hate. I found the first part really slow moving and repetitive to the point that turning the pages and continue reading has become a real struggle for me. I’m a fan of thriller books because of the suspense, the thrill, the mystery and the feeling of adrenaline pumping through your veins which is undeniably addicting. But I didn’t feel any of that on the first half of this book which was frustrating for me.

I don’t know what’s the aim of the author for the readers to feel about Julia but for me I found her character so hateful. I don’t know if she’s dense or just plainly stupid. Even though she knows what the consequences she may have out of a certain decision but she still do it anyway. She knows that she may put her family’s welfare into danger especially her son’s but she still can’t stop herself from doing it which may have to do in a topic that this book touches on, addiction. It shows how addiction can affect one’s mental state, behavior and decision making skills.

On the second half of the book, the story slowly picked up then the twists and turns struck one after the other. It was the part that has partly satisfied the thriller-enthusiast inside me. The scenes has become gripping and exciting, one of those can’t-put-down-the-book moment until one final bomb thrown and boom! That finally spoiled it for me. The finale left me dumbfounded. I remember being wide eyed with furrowed eyebrows and the words “WHAT?! That’s it? That’s all?” came out of my mouth enough for everyone in my house to hear. It was a huge cliffhanger. I dislike cliffhangers like that because it leaves me unanswered questions. Did she or did she not?

This isn’t the first time that I have read something that has an open-ended finale and I don’t have anything against that as long as it works. It’ll give the readers their own interpretations, their own assumptions and they have to work on their own imaginations as to what might have happened next and that’s a good thing. It’s like the authors leave that part in the minds of the readers. But this time, in this book, I just don’t think it worked on me.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think it’s not that bad after all actually. Maybe my dissatisfaction at the time of reading rooted from the immense curiosity that I have as to what might happen next, I was so engrossed to know what will Julia do and then I was left hanging.

All in all it’s not too bad of a read, maybe it’s just too slow moving for me, the adrenaline rush, the kind of thrill and suspense that I seek isn’t there. If you don’t mind reading characters like Julia who is not your typical kind of heroine or protagonist then might as well give this a read. I read reviews that some people actually loved this book.

July Books Round-Up

My relationship with reading has been on and off since the latter half of last year and I can come up of a thousand reasons/excuses as to why, so I wouldn’t even dare and waste time for that. But July has been different, maybe that was because I was just bored to death or I was just drowning in an ocean of stress – both, actually – that I had seek refuge and escape thru the world of reading and as usual it didn’t fail to provide me those. I have contemplated of sharing my thoughts about the books just like I always did but I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, so I didn’t stress about it and just kept on reading.

So here are the books I’ve read for the month of July:

The Enchantress by Michael Scott
– This has been a long time coming. This is the last book in the author’s series The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. I love this series so much, it made me a fan of reading. Yep. That happened. If you like adventure, fantasy, magic and mythology with a lot of disgusting and creepy looking creatures – at least, in my imagination- and if you don’t mind reading a six book series, read this.

Find Her by Lisa Gardner
– I was definitely on my element when I read this. Mystery, thriller, suspense … screams me. My favorite genre. I remember this has toyed with my mind. If you’re like me, who just loves thriller, give this a try.

Undercover by Danielle Steel
– I absolutely enjoyed this book. The first part may have been a little slow for me but it definitely made up on the latter half. If you know me, you’ll know romance and action is a pretty famous combo for me.

A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
– Honestly, I have a torn heart for this. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either. It has a little bit of romance and a little bit of mystery but the climax I think is what killed it for me. The twist in the end, I found it a bit lacking. I think it’s still a decent and entertaining read.

After You by Jojo Moyes
– I have to say that I was a little hesitant to read this after the heart-wrenching, soul-breaking mess I had experienced when I read Me Before You. I even hadn’t watch the movie yet, I guess I just don’t want to go through it again. But of course with so much curiosity eating me up, I gave in and I didn’t regret. I don’t want to spoil anything if you hadn’t read it. Just read it.

Zero Excuses: Hot to live a Beautiful Life and be Cool as F*ck by Gabriel Machuret
– This has been the greatest book I’ve read so far this year. One of the books that I’d very much want to have the physical copy  of. It’s a light read, it’s practical, it’s funny, it’s true. This book made me feel so guilty about a lot of things. From start to finish, if not all then a big chunk of it strongly resonated to me. So relatable.

Six books for a month is already plenty right? But I thought I have read more than that. I hope I can read more this coming month.

Late Night Thoughts

Hey you. How have you all been doing? It has been a while, isn’t it? Me? I’m doing okay even though my mind is all over the place at the moment. Life is giving me another round of whip in the butt. Where have I been these past few months you may ask?

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I did this. This really happened.

I took a certification course that I have been wanting for years. This is my way of trying to revamp my dying – non-existent – career. If you have been following me for a while, you may know that I am a registered nurse by profession but unfortunately I haven’t been able to practice it. At first I thought it was just because I’m scared. I’m scared to make mistakes. Nurses doesn’t handle papers that when you make mistake you can just scratch it off or crumple the paper then throw it in a trash bin. As a nurse, we handle people’s lives. Just one wrong move, may it be little or not, it can jeopardize a person’s life. This fear has stuck on me since I was still in college. Now that I’ve had years to reflect about it, I’ve come to a realization that I just don’t have the talent of being a nurse.

Yes, you can learn the theories, acquire the skills but in my case, I lack the instincts. The knowledge and skills that I have gained during college, they all went flying out of the window the day after I took the nursing licensure exam. It just vanished. Not long after the exam, my brother got sick and I was so ashamed at the time because I couldn’t even remember the normal range of temperature. And that ought to be the simplest thing in the medical world that I should know even in sleep. See? There’s a difference in knowing it just because you have to than really knowing it by heart.

I’m not saying that I have the talent and/or the instincts of being an Echo Tech/Cardiac Sonographer. Even though I’m a certified one, I’m still not confident in doing it. I took the course because I remember one lecture during college, when one of our professors explained in a simple way what 2D Echo is and what it does. I remember falling head over heels with the images I saw and the sounds I heard. Since then, I told myself that I’m going to do it in the future.

Now, one month after completing the course, I’m back to being a slob. I thought once I finished the course, my life would be smooth sailing – find a job and be able to do the things that I planned to do and nada, nada, nada – obviously, that wasn’t what happened. After the course, I felt like the universe was conspiring against me, making advancing into my life difficult again.

My life at the moment is too far from the life that I have imagined before I took the course. This reminded me of a line from a movie, “Just because you want it, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get it.” When things didn’t go as planned, I suddenly felt unmotivated. It feels like I fell in a hole and something in it pulled me down even deeper and now I just can’t find my way back out.

I am not in a good state of mind right now. I’m very much aware of that. But since last week, though I feel so unmotivated, I still somehow managed to send out resumes. So for now, I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I’d get lucky to land a job.

What is life without being tripped and scathed? Thinking Face Emoji 🤔That’ll be totally boring and pointless. Am I right or am I losing my mind?

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Realizations of 2016

2016 has been like a wind for me. It came and just flew by.  Out of all the years that I have been a bum, 2016 has been the laziest year for me because literally I’ve accomplished nothing. It felt like I did so many things when in fact I did nothing at all. But I have to say though that in 2016 I have realized so much about myself so I think I can say that the resolutions I’ve had last year weren’t entirely useless.

Doing things right away

I swear I can be the queen of procrastination; I am so guilty of that but this is something that I can say that I am getting better at. Just do all the things that you can right away. Don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day after that because there’s a huge chance that you’ll never get to it. STOP putting off what you can do right away. JUST DO IT!

Not caring about what other people says

This is still a work in progress for sure but towards the end of 2016, I just noticed myself not giving a damn about every single thing that people say or think about me. I learned to hear them out and their sentiments but not letting myself be easily affected by it. I think learning about this comes with age because once I turned 25, this thing have become easier for me.

Speaking up

I used to be that person who just can’t say no, always saying yes even though I don’t really want to. I’ve noticed that with my friends and family I have been a little more vocal about my preferences, my likes and dislikes. If I have an opinion to share, I am not that afraid anymore to voice out what’s on my mind but of course I think before I speak. I make sure that I relay my message in a polite way.

Being more open-minded about love and relationship

I claim myself being the president of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth Club, I’m still going strong at it. Yes, I’m 25 and have never had a boyfriend ever before. But I’m at that age where many people around me are marrying and having babies already. When I scroll through my Facebook feed, mostly that I see are photos of weddings and newborn babies. I am not feeling pressured in any way but when my mom told me that before when I was younger, she was worried that I’ll have a boyfriend and neglect my studies, get pregnant and end up being a single teenage mom but now she’s worried that I may never get married and have babies of my own at all. That worries me too, actually. I am not a man hater but surely they’ve given me a lot of bad impressions.

Being more comfortable with my skin despite my acne

I am naturally a total homebody, I prefer being at home most of the time but there were also a lot of times when I wanted to go out and hang out with friends but ended up not going because I didn’t know how to make myself presentable. I felt disgusting because my skin looked disgusting and I knew piling on layers of makeup over it will just make it worst. I must admit that my skin discouraged me from going out and being sociable. My friends have seen me when I had a clear and smooth skin just like a baby and they’ve seen me at my worst, big angry swollen painful zits everywhere in my face and they’re totally fine with it. So I realized why the heck I would be embarrass about my acne, it’s not like acne is a rare thing. Sure, some of my friends teased me for it and still up to this day but I know that it’s the teasing in a non-judgmental way, it’s more to annoy me really. Now, I don’t mind going out of the house in my bare face. I even go to the mall, to the church or to the supermarket without a speck of makeup in my face because who cares and why not. It’s not like you’re going to meet all those people who see you again, right?

What are the realizations you’ve taken away from 2016? I would love to know. Don’t hesitate to share. 🙂

 

Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.