July Books Round-Up

My relationship with reading has been on and off since the latter half of last year and I can come up of a thousand reasons/excuses as to why, so I wouldn’t even dare and waste time for that. But July has been different, maybe that was because I was just bored to death or I was just drowning in an ocean of stress – both, actually – that I had seek refuge and escape thru the world of reading and as usual it didn’t fail to provide me those. I have contemplated of sharing my thoughts about the books just like I always did but I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, so I didn’t stress about it and just kept on reading.

So here are the books I’ve read for the month of July:

The Enchantress by Michael Scott
– This has been a long time coming. This is the last book in the author’s series The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel. I love this series so much, it made me a fan of reading. Yep. That happened. If you like adventure, fantasy, magic and mythology with a lot of disgusting and creepy looking creatures – at least, in my imagination- and if you don’t mind reading a six book series, read this.

Find Her by Lisa Gardner
– I was definitely on my element when I read this. Mystery, thriller, suspense … screams me. My favorite genre. I remember this has toyed with my mind. If you’re like me, who just loves thriller, give this a try.

Undercover by Danielle Steel
– I absolutely enjoyed this book. The first part may have been a little slow for me but it definitely made up on the latter half. If you know me, you’ll know romance and action is a pretty famous combo for me.

A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
– Honestly, I have a torn heart for this. I don’t love it but I don’t hate it either. It has a little bit of romance and a little bit of mystery but the climax I think is what killed it for me. The twist in the end, I found it a bit lacking. I think it’s still a decent and entertaining read.

After You by Jojo Moyes
– I have to say that I was a little hesitant to read this after the heart-wrenching, soul-breaking mess I had experienced when I read Me Before You. I even hadn’t watch the movie yet, I guess I just don’t want to go through it again. But of course with so much curiosity eating me up, I gave in and I didn’t regret. I don’t want to spoil anything if you hadn’t read it. Just read it.

Zero Excuses: Hot to live a Beautiful Life and be Cool as F*ck by Gabriel Machuret
– This has been the greatest book I’ve read so far this year. One of the books that I’d very much want to have the physical copy  of. It’s a light read, it’s practical, it’s funny, it’s true. This book made me feel so guilty about a lot of things. From start to finish, if not all then a big chunk of it strongly resonated to me. So relatable.

Six books for a month is already plenty right? But I thought I have read more than that. I hope I can read more this coming month.

Late Night Thoughts

Hey you. How have you all been doing? It has been a while, isn’t it? Me? I’m doing okay even though my mind is all over the place at the moment. Life is giving me another round of whip in the butt. Where have I been these past few months you may ask?

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I did this. This really happened.

I took a certification course that I have been wanting for years. This is my way of trying to revamp my dying – non-existent – career. If you have been following me for a while, you may know that I am a registered nurse by profession but unfortunately I haven’t been able to practice it. At first I thought it was just because I’m scared. I’m scared to make mistakes. Nurses doesn’t handle papers that when you make mistake you can just scratch it off or crumple the paper then throw it in a trash bin. As a nurse, we handle people’s lives. Just one wrong move, may it be little or not, it can jeopardize a person’s life. This fear has stuck on me since I was still in college. Now that I’ve had years to reflect about it, I’ve come to a realization that I just don’t have the talent of being a nurse.

Yes, you can learn the theories, acquire the skills but in my case, I lack the instincts. The knowledge and skills that I have gained during college, they all went flying out of the window the day after I took the nursing licensure exam. It just vanished. Not long after the exam, my brother got sick and I was so ashamed at the time because I couldn’t even remember the normal range of temperature. And that ought to be the simplest thing in the medical world that I should know even in sleep. See? There’s a difference in knowing it just because you have to than really knowing it by heart.

I’m not saying that I have the talent and/or the instincts of being an Echo Tech/Cardiac Sonographer. Even though I’m a certified one, I’m still not confident in doing it. I took the course because I remember one lecture during college, when one of our professors explained in a simple way what 2D Echo is and what it does. I remember falling head over heels with the images I saw and the sounds I heard. Since then, I told myself that I’m going to do it in the future.

Now, one month after completing the course, I’m back to being a slob. I thought once I finished the course, my life would be smooth sailing – find a job and be able to do the things that I planned to do and nada, nada, nada – obviously, that wasn’t what happened. After the course, I felt like the universe was conspiring against me, making advancing into my life difficult again.

My life at the moment is too far from the life that I have imagined before I took the course. This reminded me of a line from a movie, “Just because you want it, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get it.” When things didn’t go as planned, I suddenly felt unmotivated. It feels like I fell in a hole and something in it pulled me down even deeper and now I just can’t find my way back out.

I am not in a good state of mind right now. I’m very much aware of that. But since last week, though I feel so unmotivated, I still somehow managed to send out resumes. So for now, I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I’d get lucky to land a job.

What is life without being tripped and scathed? Thinking Face Emoji 🤔That’ll be totally boring and pointless. Am I right or am I losing my mind?

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Realizations of 2016

2016 has been like a wind for me. It came and just flew by.  Out of all the years that I have been a bum, 2016 has been the laziest year for me because literally I’ve accomplished nothing. It felt like I did so many things when in fact I did nothing at all. But I have to say though that in 2016 I have realized so much about myself so I think I can say that the resolutions I’ve had last year weren’t entirely useless.

Doing things right away

I swear I can be the queen of procrastination; I am so guilty of that but this is something that I can say that I am getting better at. Just do all the things that you can right away. Don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day after that because there’s a huge chance that you’ll never get to it. STOP putting off what you can do right away. JUST DO IT!

Not caring about what other people says

This is still a work in progress for sure but towards the end of 2016, I just noticed myself not giving a damn about every single thing that people say or think about me. I learned to hear them out and their sentiments but not letting myself be easily affected by it. I think learning about this comes with age because once I turned 25, this thing have become easier for me.

Speaking up

I used to be that person who just can’t say no, always saying yes even though I don’t really want to. I’ve noticed that with my friends and family I have been a little more vocal about my preferences, my likes and dislikes. If I have an opinion to share, I am not that afraid anymore to voice out what’s on my mind but of course I think before I speak. I make sure that I relay my message in a polite way.

Being more open-minded about love and relationship

I claim myself being the president of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth Club, I’m still going strong at it. Yes, I’m 25 and have never had a boyfriend ever before. But I’m at that age where many people around me are marrying and having babies already. When I scroll through my Facebook feed, mostly that I see are photos of weddings and newborn babies. I am not feeling pressured in any way but when my mom told me that before when I was younger, she was worried that I’ll have a boyfriend and neglect my studies, get pregnant and end up being a single teenage mom but now she’s worried that I may never get married and have babies of my own at all. That worries me too, actually. I am not a man hater but surely they’ve given me a lot of bad impressions.

Being more comfortable with my skin despite my acne

I am naturally a total homebody, I prefer being at home most of the time but there were also a lot of times when I wanted to go out and hang out with friends but ended up not going because I didn’t know how to make myself presentable. I felt disgusting because my skin looked disgusting and I knew piling on layers of makeup over it will just make it worst. I must admit that my skin discouraged me from going out and being sociable. My friends have seen me when I had a clear and smooth skin just like a baby and they’ve seen me at my worst, big angry swollen painful zits everywhere in my face and they’re totally fine with it. So I realized why the heck I would be embarrass about my acne, it’s not like acne is a rare thing. Sure, some of my friends teased me for it and still up to this day but I know that it’s the teasing in a non-judgmental way, it’s more to annoy me really. Now, I don’t mind going out of the house in my bare face. I even go to the mall, to the church or to the supermarket without a speck of makeup in my face because who cares and why not. It’s not like you’re going to meet all those people who see you again, right?

What are the realizations you’ve taken away from 2016? I would love to know. Don’t hesitate to share. 🙂

 

Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.

The Struggle Is Real

I am too tired of this. I am too tired of waking up in the morning not really looking forward to anything. I am too tired of having an empty day because all I do is sleep and eat. I am too tired of being embarrassed. I am too tired of being scared. I am too tired of being so hard to myself and beating myself up all the time. Basically, I am too tired of everything in my life right now. But don’t worry though, this is not a suicidal note, I am not that kind of person. I just really want to dump of all these thoughts I have in my head to hopefully remove, if not all then most of the clutters in my brain.

Do you know the reason why I prefer sleeping in the morning and being awake at night? Of course not, right? No one knows actually but I’d like to share it with you. I prefer to be awake at night because everyone is already sleeping; it’s quiet and the introvert in me really like that. I can freely walk the house without worrying for someone bugging me of things that I know and am already aware of. I prefer to be asleep in the morning because I’m avoiding to be nagged at by my mom as to why I’m always cooped up in my room, always reminding me that I’m turning 25 this year and still accomplished nothing, asking me non-stop as to what my plans are, when will I get a job and enjoy life. I prefer to be asleep in the morning to not see my dad’s sufferings. He worked hard for my studies and now that I’ve finished school and am already a registered nurse, I am supposed to be helping him to support our family because I am more than aware that it’s already too much for him but still here I am, doing nothing. I appreciate all of those nagging and constant questions and reminders because that only shows how concerned and worried they are for me but there are times that it’s just too much to hear. It’s like reality repeatedly slapping me in the face to make me realize of how incapable I am with my life.

I regret wasting 5 years of my life and still counting, for doing nothing. Right at that moment when I graduated and stepped out of college, all of my plans suddenly disappeared like I never planned them at all. It was replaced by anxiety, fear and uncertainty. It kind of felt like a door opened up and unleashed an enormous monster of responsibilities that suddenly was put on my shoulders. It was so overwhelming that it sucked out my rational being and left me with nothing in my brain. Until now I am still contemplating as to what I want to do. My transition from being a teenager into being a young adult was a very rough and bumpy ride, with nothing happened, it was a complete waste of time. And now that I am entering my mid 20’s, I can see that it’ll be a rougher and bumpier ride but this time, I am hoping that it’ll be a worthwhile phase and journey.  This may be what they call as quarter life crisis.

I may be okay with eating 2 plates of rice, emptying 2 bags of chips, drinking a liter of soda and eating a whole bar of chocolates all by myself; I may be okay going out to the market or to the mall in my bare face despite of my bad acne; I may have no problems in those areas but the confidence to myself and to the things that I could do is the part where I’m greatly lacking and struggling. As I’ve said before, my self-esteem and self-confidence is nowhere to be found but six feet under the ground, add in me being anxious of almost everything, I’m thinking how worse it can get.

I guess I really am at the point in my life where I am forced to make decisions. Be a real adult. Learn to do and make things on my own. Figure things out on my own and not be afraid of changes. Be the real captain of my life and sail it towards the direction that I want it to be. But let’s admit it, it’s all easier said than done, right?

I do want and is very eager to turn over a page and get on to the next chapter of my life so badly but I don’t really know why I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know if I am just over-rationalizing things resulting with me being frightened so much or if I am just really holding myself back for reasons that I can’t even understand. A friend of mine have told me that if I stop being scared and start walking to my goals, I could’ve gone far by now. It’s such a torture when you know yourself that you could’ve done so much and could’ve done better but you just don’t know how.

It is just so frustrating and maddening whenever I think back of the time when my friends and I have finish nursing school, took the nursing licensure exam, got licensed and have become registered nurses all at the same time but seeing now that they are way ahead on the road and I am being left behind. I am not comparing to downgrade myself; it is to overview that I could’ve advanced in the road as much as they did, that I could’ve walked side by side with them and on their pace. Many times I have wondered why I am not as courageous as them and why I am not as confident as them. Yeah, why is that? Because maybe if I am, who knows where I could be and what I have been doing right now or if ever I will be in this situation.

Whenever I try to get back to the root of it all, I’ve always come to realize that maybe I was too focused on graduating college and getting licensed that that was exactly the entirety of my plan. Sure, I have had a vision of what my life after college would be but the reality was, I have left out or I haven’t gotten around planning it in details. Maybe that is why I am in the dark right now trying to find the door out of it. And/or maybe I really just wasn’t ready to be an adult yet that’s why I have gotten tremendously overwhelmed by the sudden change and got scared of the magnificent responsibilities that have come with it.

And so right at this moment, a question suddenly popped up out of nowhere; What now?

Late Night Thoughts and Scribbles

I wasn’t able to sleep last night until the sunlight peeped through the window despite of my efforts to do so. I am pretty sure that I have drifted through a nap at around 10:35 pm because the next time I laid my eyes on the clock it was already 11:10 pm so maybe that’s why. Of course, I have tried putting myself to sleep, laid on my bed in the most comfortable position, hugging a pillow under the soft blanket but still in the end, it just gave me a terrible throbbing headache. I surrendered. I stood up and gobbled down two cookies and a glassful of cold water in the darkness of our kitchen. While munching on my cookies, I realized that my mind was everywhere, it just couldn’t stop thinking. I didn’t know what to think first as the thoughts swarmed on me. In resignation and in my desire to give myself peace, I grabbed a notebook and pen and scribbled down the thoughts in my brain.

For the first time in a long while, I’ve acknowledged that I am a shy, jealous, insecure, and frustrated person who is living in a messy, judgmental world. I am jealous of my friends who are living the lives that they want, who are continually writing the chapters of their lives with no interruptions. I am insecure of their courage and confidence, the things that I doubt I have. I am insecure of how certain they are for the path that they are taking, it seems like the roads were already laid down for them, while I feel like I am in a middle of a crossroad, having no idea which way to take.

I then was thinking about the things that I want to do and why I just couldn’t do them, the reasons all came down to having no resources to do so. How to have resources? By getting a job of course. That was when I considered working on the quickest job that I can take, you know just to earn some money for me to be able to start the life that I want. So, I am now strongly considering a job in a call center because that’s what I think the quickest that I can get. It’ll be just a step until I can support my plan of moving out to a different city. I always say to myself, one step at a time until you get to the goal, that way you can have realistic plans.

I ended my note with: Enough of pleasing other people. Enough of thinking and listening to what they say. Enough of being a puppet. Enough of the cowardice and Start doing. It is not wrong to think of myself once in a while and do the things that can make me happy.

I strongly recommend when you feel like you’re being overwhelmed with your thoughts and feelings, write it down. I always hear or read about it but I just shrug it off like it’s nothing but now that I really did it, I could say that it is really effective in organizing the thoughts and declutter the mess and chaos that I created in my head.