A new beginning. That is what I desperately need right now but I thought to myself that I cannot be able to start anew if I am still holding grudges from my past. It is just like what everybody says, you cannot move on if you cannot let go of your past, and honestly, my past turned me into the person that I am today. Coward. Shy. Scared. No self-esteem. No self-confidence. Yep, that’s me. I was judged by people, I was laughed at by people, I was played by people and I was fooled by people way too many times than what I can remember. But I’m tired of it all, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve tried so hard before to pleased everybody, to fit in but it ended losing myself along the way. I have been the puppet, always did whatever they wanted me to do. I have been the prisoner, no liberty to do what I want. I have been the mute, afraid to say my thoughts and my feelings. I was powerless for I wasn’t able to control my own life. In every move and decision I made, I made it for them and not for me. I couldn’t do anything because I always worry about what they will say. Pathetic, right? Stupid, I know.
But I want no more. I figured I am nobody’s robot to dictate me on what and what not to do. I want to be the captain of my own life. I want to be the one to decide for myself. I am responsible for myself and not them so why would I listen to them, if they’re just going to pull me down. I’ll listen to the ones who will help me get back up, to the ones who will cheer me up and to the ones who will support me. People says that beginnings are always the hardest, well in all honesty, I don’t mind. I have gone through such hardships so I know I can have the new beginning that I am dreaming of. I’ll take it day by day. One step at a time. I’ve wasted too much time spent for them. Now, there’ll be no more wasted time as I will spend it for me.
Always remember that:
Gerrytology. 
Hi Gerry. I found your blog by coincidence…and read all.
Why…years ago I could write almost the same. Years because I am “a bit” older 63…
I know for you it means ages older. I live in Poland, I’m a man and I have a daughter older than you…
My advice /take it or not/ are based on my experience only:
1.Do not stay at home looking at the ceiling its useless try to find a way to be between people and be useful without money for
it (you are a nurse!!) regardless you have today a job or not .
2.You will find the job but try . Try 100 times and 101 will be THIS ONE. If not enough 1000 and 1001 will be this one.
3.Do not allow nobody dictate what to do. You are the captain of your ship. ONLY YOU! If it sinks you will sink no one else.
4.Be optimistic/pessimism will kill you/. Its not a joke!
5. Start new training, courses etc. You will meet new people & you will find new possibilities and knowledge. It will sum up finally.
6. New place,town is a good solution!
Wish you the best
Richard
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Oh my God! Thank you so much. Though I have already thought of all the things that you said but for it coming from another person feels so right and very motivational. And I don’t know what, but it gives me huge deal of confidence. So thank you so much miater, very much. I appreciate it big time. Now my mind is clear. I’m taking a step and explore my options. 🙂
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