What’s With The Stupidity?

It was a friday afternoon. I woke up very late, around 2 pm. I have even set an alarm for that. Funny, I know. It was a friday. The day that a person called my mom planned that we should go to an event, it was actually more of a seminar or an orientation sort of thing. She hoped that it could be the vessel for a dream of mine – hers too – to come true. But just like the stubborn kid that I am, I did not want to go because first, it was too far. Second, I was apprehensive and scared. Of what? Maybe of the uncertainty, maybe I just didn’t have the strength to have made a false hope then be disappointed greatly. Nope. That was why I made an alibi that I have to go somewhere and that was why I was forced – more like I had no other choice – to go out.

So, it was a friday afternoon. I woke up at 2pm. I stood up, made my bed. Made my way to the bathroom, splashed some cold water in my face and attended to my bladder’s need of satisfaction. I went straight to the fridge, gulped down some cold water, brought out a plate and put on some food.  That’s how robotic I felt that day. I ate. I cleaned up. I showered. I put on some jeans and shirt. I slapped on a little bit of make up in a hopeless attempt to make my disgusting face somewhat presentable.

It was a friday afternoon. It was very gloomy and it was raining. The weather reflects how I feel inside. Grey. Hollow. Melancholic. Cold. Confused – the rain didn’t know if it wanted to drizzle or to pour.  I felt exactly the same. Put on my red Pro-keds sneakers, collected my coin purse, cellphone and a handky and put them all in my backpack. I snuck in a glance in the mirror and decided to put my hair in a half-up half-down do. I wore my pearl earrings and my favorite wrist watch which was gifted to me by my parents for my 18th birthday. I was all ready.

I told my mom I was leaving. I let myself out through the door and was greeted with a pouring rain with a cold breeze lashed out my face. I waited in the corner of our street. There were a lot jeepneys passed by but I couldn’t go as it was raining hard and I had no umbrella. Ten minutes passed. Fifteen. Then suddenly the rain started to ebbed down to a little more than just a drizzle. I braved the rain, hailed a jeep and rode to oblivion. Not really but it felt that way.

It was a cold and dreary friday afternoon. I arrived at the mall. I was aware of my mane that has gone wild and very frizzy. I couldn’t care less so I went inside. As soon as I stepped inside I was embraced by chilling, bone-cold air of the air conditioner. I shivered. Now, what am I going to do in here?, I said to myself.

So, I wandered.

For at least an hour. Not feeling anything but the constant shiver I did because of the cold temperature. My mind was busy, that I could tell. But with what? What was it thinking? Was I really thinking? Maybe the very mundane things. “Oh, that’s cute.” “That surely will look good on my brother.” “Mommy will definitely like that.” “I’d love me to have some of that too.” “I hope I can something like that to daddy.” “Oh that smells good. What is that?” I contemplated of going to my favorite bookstores but nope I didn’t. Not in the mood. I just did not have any energy and or any reasons to do it so I went to the food court and there I watched as I killed time.

All I saw were long lines for slushie, for takoyaki, for lemonade, for coffee, for Jollibee etcetera. What did I expect? It was a food court. It was loud in there. There was music. There was the sound of utensils clinking to the plates. There were voices of people talking to each other. There were sounds coming from games they were playing on the mobile phones. There was the mystical sound of the carousel from somewhere.

Two hours passed. I said I can go home. My mom wouldn’t suspect me. She didn’t know of course, that I just went to the mall instead of attending that freakin’ orientation or seminar or whatever you want to call it. I made my way out of the mall and to my great dismay, it was still pouring.

It was a dark, dingy, chilly and raining very hard kind of friday night. I let out a sigh and without thinking, I conquered the rain as if it wasn’t raining at all. I didn’t care if people were looking at me, pitied me, or whatever, I just walked. Climbed the too many steps of the foot bridge, crossed it and made my way down.

I was soaked.

I rounded this smaller mall to go to terminal of jeepneys that could take me closer to home but to my another dismay, it has long long long line. It looked like as if it was a gigantic snake, it curved many times. For a minute there, I didn’t know what to do. I certainly did not want to go back to the mall where I’ve been bypassed the way to the terminal of Fx which I was pretty sure would have a very long line too. Then it hit me, it was a Friday and it was the rush hour. Oh blimey!

It felt like I had no choice, I walked on a little ahead of the road under the pouring rain, was hoping that maybe I could catch a random jeepney which can still fit one passenger.  But the few meters became longer and longer. I remember I kept on saying to myself, a little more, a little more. The distance added up. I have been walking for minutes now and all the jeepneys that passed by were full. I kept on walking. I skipped. I leaped. I jumped. Like a little kid playing in the rain but really it was me avoiding the puddles.

I kept on walking. I felt like a zombie. My mind said to stop and wait for a jeep but it seemed like my feet has grown a mind of its and kept on walking. I was seeing a stop light straight ahead but I was worried I may not stop at all as it felt like I have no authority or no control of my own feet. As I was approaching I just wished that it’d turn red I got there and to my subtle surprised it did. I crossed and I almost tripped for I had stepped on a little that threw my balance. I now noticed who seemed like a Korean guy in a hooded jacket and black backpack on my right and another man on my left. I remember I tried matching their steps so I felt I was as fast as them.

We were making our way to another stop light but I saw the two guys have already made a distance between us. I saw the Korean guy jumped over something, probably a rock and made a right. The other man just kept walking ahead, my way too. As I was crossing, I looked at my right but I couldn’t see the Korean guy anymore. I just found it a little weird that he wasn’t on sight anymore, I saw no house there, it was just a long lonely little road. I remember saying to myself, how fast of a walker he was that he already made it to the end causing him not to be seen anymore in such a very short time. As I was engrossed with the thought, I tripped again but acted natural and gained balance as soon as it happened.

I now saw that the other man has put on a lot of distance between us. He was wearing a khaki pants, red shirt and was holding a plastic bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other. I looked ahead of him and saw a gas station, “What? Here already?” I muttered to myself. That would only mean that I have made three quarters of the way to home. I kept on walking.

This time I almost slipped in front of a coffee shop because of the very slippery tiles they have. Again, I couldn’t care less and just kept on walking. I noticed I started panting, and I know was already soaked but I felt my body was hot and if I remember correctly I thought I was really sweating despite of the rain.

I just kept on walking and I believe by this time, my mind has gone empty. The only functioning part of my body was my feet and my eyes. I was gradually becoming aware of a need to chugged water. I was thirsty but I have no water. In a distance I could make out the fast food restaurant marking that I was halfway my journey to home. I thought I could stop there and catch a jeep because I knew for sure that more often than not the jeeps that pass there are lightly loaded with passengers.

When I got there, I could see two jeepneys on halt on the side of the road either letting on or letting out a passenger but I did not stop and climbed up. I remember walking wide-eyed, “What? What was that about?”  STUPID. I told myself. Empty jeepneys and the ones with a few passengers just passed me by.  I let them just passed me by. “What is going on here?” My mind said. I don’t know. The only answer I can give to myself then there was the sudden feeling of something like a pinch in my chest, then my eyes felt burning.

It was a dark pouring Friday night; I then knew I was crying. I was crying … but no one knew. No one noticed. The rain was a perfect camouflage. The side of the road that I was walking on was dark, seemed like I was making my way to an abandoned city. I felt another sting but this time on the back of my feet. Blisters. I must have been walking for too long for me to have a blister. STUPID. I didn’t what what hurts more, the pinch in my chest or the sting at the back of the feet.

I few more steps, I was confronted by this building which was still under construction and right beneath the name of the building, was the name of the company that resonated to me with the details I couldn’t elaborate more. STUPID. Another bout of tears came pouring of my eyes. I noticed I have slowed down. May it be because of the blisters? Or something else?

The sting of my blisters was becoming more noticeable. Still I kept walking. The right foot was more painful than the left. I had started to limp a little. I could also feel some pain at the back of knees. By the time I got to my alma matter, I was no longer crying. I felt numb. My mind was blank. Empty. I waited in the stop light to cross the street. I thought stopping and resting would help alleviate at least a little the exhaustion of my legs, knees and the sting of my blisters but those 22 seconds of rest just made it all worse.

I was walking slowly, not because I intended to but it was more like, that was all my body can afford to exert. I was limping more as my blisters increasing its size and severity but I forced myself for it not to be too obvious. I turned left, meaning I was just more or less ten minutes away from home. Suddenly the thought of coming home and laying in bed gave a little comfort to my hollowed-out self. I kept on walking. At the back of my mind I heard, “What are you doing to yourself? What are you doing with your life? Just what the heck are you doing?” My ego I guess.

The blisters on my feet were becoming annoying. I wished to be teleported to my room so I could dive under the blanket and sleep and forget everything that had happened today. I passed by the wet market. A little more. Just a little more and you’re home. I couldn’t hide the limping anymore, the blisters hurts so much it was unbearable. I’d like to stop walking but I could already see the corner to our home. Just a little more. The pinch on my chest came back. WHAT?

I made it to the corner, I turned right and there it was just a few steps away, HOME.
After an hour and a half of walking under the pouring rain in a Friday night, I made it home.

Until now, I still cannot fathom what happened to me that day. What has gotten over me? What have I gotten out it? Oh body pain, blisters and a crap load of confusion.

Late Night Thoughts

Hey you. How have you all been doing? It has been a while, isn’t it? Me? I’m doing okay even though my mind is all over the place at the moment. Life is giving me another round of whip in the butt. Where have I been these past few months you may ask?

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I did this. This really happened.

I took a certification course that I have been wanting for years. This is my way of trying to revamp my dying – non-existent – career. If you have been following me for a while, you may know that I am a registered nurse by profession but unfortunately I haven’t been able to practice it. At first I thought it was just because I’m scared. I’m scared to make mistakes. Nurses doesn’t handle papers that when you make mistake you can just scratch it off or crumple the paper then throw it in a trash bin. As a nurse, we handle people’s lives. Just one wrong move, may it be little or not, it can jeopardize a person’s life. This fear has stuck on me since I was still in college. Now that I’ve had years to reflect about it, I’ve come to a realization that I just don’t have the talent of being a nurse.

Yes, you can learn the theories, acquire the skills but in my case, I lack the instincts. The knowledge and skills that I have gained during college, they all went flying out of the window the day after I took the nursing licensure exam. It just vanished. Not long after the exam, my brother got sick and I was so ashamed at the time because I couldn’t even remember the normal range of temperature. And that ought to be the simplest thing in the medical world that I should know even in sleep. See? There’s a difference in knowing it just because you have to than really knowing it by heart.

I’m not saying that I have the talent and/or the instincts of being an Echo Tech/Cardiac Sonographer. Even though I’m a certified one, I’m still not confident in doing it. I took the course because I remember one lecture during college, when one of our professors explained in a simple way what 2D Echo is and what it does. I remember falling head over heels with the images I saw and the sounds I heard. Since then, I told myself that I’m going to do it in the future.

Now, one month after completing the course, I’m back to being a slob. I thought once I finished the course, my life would be smooth sailing – find a job and be able to do the things that I planned to do and nada, nada, nada – obviously, that wasn’t what happened. After the course, I felt like the universe was conspiring against me, making advancing into my life difficult again.

My life at the moment is too far from the life that I have imagined before I took the course. This reminded me of a line from a movie, “Just because you want it, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get it.” When things didn’t go as planned, I suddenly felt unmotivated. It feels like I fell in a hole and something in it pulled me down even deeper and now I just can’t find my way back out.

I am not in a good state of mind right now. I’m very much aware of that. But since last week, though I feel so unmotivated, I still somehow managed to send out resumes. So for now, I’m praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I’d get lucky to land a job.

What is life without being tripped and scathed? Thinking Face Emoji 🤔That’ll be totally boring and pointless. Am I right or am I losing my mind?

giphy-downsized

What Have I Been Up To?

Seriously, I should be asking that same question to myself too. I can’t believe we’re nearing at the end of March already, where has the time gone? This past two weeks, I often find myself reflecting about my life; the decisions I made, the regrets, the opportunities that I’ve let slipped out of my hand and the whole shenanigans. I also have been thinking about my future too more often and the things that I can do to rectify the bad choices that I made before while also trying to learn from it. I hope to figure out and extract the lessons from them and leave the rest behind in the past. I know that the past is not a good place to hang out especially if it makes you feel like crap when you realized it was you who put yourself in those situations and that there was no one to blame but you. The regrets and frustrations are hitting me hard but I am totally aware that there’s nothing I can do about it to change it yet there’s a whole lot of things that I can do to make the now and tomorrow better.

After the New Year, I’ve had a lot of plans and goals that I have set out for myself. I even written the post Things I’ll Strive For in 2017 to make it as my guide when things slips out of my mind again because that’s something that is expected to happen. So lately, my mind often wanders in there and reminds me that I am totally slacking off again which isn’t great in every way. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything or exerting efforts at all to make those items in that post to happen. Then, I imagined in my head that I was whipping myself for not living up to the word that I put in there, strive. Not making it in one go doesn’t necessarily mean you failed, it’s about making great efforts, really fighting to get that thing that you want to obtain. So here I am, ready to do just that. Again.

Friday of last week, I was finally able to enroll in the certification course that I’ve been wanting. I was supposed to enroll on February but I didn’t make it as there was no available slot anymore, that’s why now I made sure that I enroll early even though the training isn’t starting until the third week of April. When I received the confirmation that I was officially enrolled, I felt ecstatic. I felt like I have made something big for my life, if you know what I mean. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m feeling anxious with all the worries in my head yet really excited. I am so looking forward for it to start already.

Also, I got back into reading again. I  probably have read four or five books this past two weeks which is really cool. Reading have again provided me with escape from all this overwhelming stuff in my already confused mind. Whenever I feel like my brain is having too much, I’ll just whip out my iPad and I will be pulled into a whole new world.

Another news that I want to share is that my family have adapted a new kitten. My brother brought him home last week. Meet Mogwai. Isn’t he cute?

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Our three dogs weren’t thrilled the first time my brother brought Mogwai home. They were always barking at him whenever they see him but they’re all good now. They love playing with him. Our poodle, jLo, acts as his babysitter. Our chowskie mix, Ginger, acts as his playmate. They play and bully each other all the time. Our japanese spitz, Francine, acts as the random stranger, random playmate and a random nemesis.

That’s all for now folks. Just really wanted to dump all these into writing because it helps a lot for me in managing my sanity.

The Reading Habits Book Tag

I was randomly reading new posts from my reader last night until I came across this dear friend’s post and much to my surprise, I was tagged! Yay! I totally enjoyed reading it and seem like a lot fun to answer and since I was tagged might as well just do it. It’s supposed to be a book review post day but I don’t have any as of now since I’m still half-way done with my current read, it’s a long one really.

So let’s get into this:

1. Do you have a certain place at home for reading?
Our apartment is relatively small for eight persons and two dogs, so the house tends to get really noisy and loud and rowdy most of the time so I really have no choice but to read in our room or sometimes in my parent’s room if they’re not there. I rarely read in the living room because it rarely gets absent of people but when it happens I do read there too, plus the lighting is really good and bright. Less strain for the eyeballs. 😀

2. Bookmark or random piece of paper?
I don’t really own a bookmark. A random piece of paper? I’ve done that before, the last thing I’ve used as a bookmark was a cut-out that I used as a stencil for my brother’s project way back last year. My favorite way of bookmarking which I always do when I read physical books, is to fold the top corner of the page where I left off. Yep, that’s how I do it.

3. Can you just stop reading or do you have to stop after a chapter/ a certain amount of pages?
No, I cannot just stop reading; I hate it when I have to stop midway of the chapter. I literally have to finish the chapter before I can leave it.

4. Do you eat or drink while reading?
I can eat while reading. I can drink while reading. I can also do both while reading. But most of the time you’ll find me drinking tea or coffee while reading and I will not have a care in the world ’cause I’m already comfy like that.

5. Multitasking: Music or TV while reading?
The reason why I do my reading mostly at night when everybody is already dozing off is because noise easily distracts me. The very introvert in me prefers mellow environment. I can still read with the telly and/or music on but don’t expect me to just comfortably read because I need to stop at every few paragraphs to dispel a little of the distractions, clear the mind and continue reading. It’s like swimming; you need to swim up to catch some oxygen before you can swim again.

6. One book at a time or several at once?
Definitely and without a doubt, one book at a time please. That’s the way I can thoroughly enjoy the book I’m reading. That’s a better way for me to understand and absorb what the book is about.

7. Reading at home or everywhere?
I am of course the most comfortable reading at home, where I can just lie on bed if my back hurts from sitting for long and freely walking to and fro our kitchen to get refills of my drinks and/or snacks. I tried reading on a moving bus when my friends and I were on our way to our vacation last year but it was too wobbly and the light was too dim for me so I just gave up. I think I can read anywhere as long as it’s quiet, not to hot and enough light if I am to read a physical book.

8. Reading out loud or silently in your head?
I like reading out loud, not too loud as if I’m doing a speech though, just loud enough for me to hear, mostly just more than a whisper really then I silently read to myself when I get tired. It’s a habit I made of. It’s my way of improving my pronunciation and speaking skills. Speaking is definitely a goal that I want to get better at.

9. Do you read ahead or even skip pages?
A hundred percent no. No matter how bad or great the book is, I do not read ahead nor skip pages. Just no. Even though I know for sure what will happen in the end, I believe that it’s still important to know the stories in between because you never know what might be in there. Maybe the most satisfying twists and turns you’re craving are in there … and you just missed it. How wasteful that is. I cannot forgive myself if that ever happens to me.

10. Breaking the spine or keeping it like new?
I hate hate hate breaking the spine of a book even though most of my books came from second-hand book shops especially when I bought it really brand new. I don’t really mind folding the top corners as my bookmark but breaking the spine is a no no for me. I like keeping my things like new as much as possible.

11. Do you write in your books?
I hardly ever do so unless it’s really important or impactful for me. But nowadays that I mostly read in my iPad, I like highlighting some parts that I like then whenever I feel like it, I go back to it and read it again and be reminded why I liked that part in the first place.

12. Who do you tag?
I cannot think of anyone to tag but you. Whoever you are reading this, if you feel like doing this please do so and let me know ’cause I enjoy reading this as much as answering it.

Weekend Coffee Date

If we were having coffee …

I’d tell you that the last presidential debate just finished, I did intend not to watch it but the debate was too long that I still caught up the latter half of it and now my brain is throbbing. My mind has somehow made an effort to absorb the presidential candidates’ platforms and speeches and I’m glad to say that the debate helped to narrow down my bet to two. I know there’s only one vote for president as to whether who among the two will I be voting on the 9th of May, I have to say I still am unsure.

If we were having coffee …

I’d tell you that my friend, who is also a nurse, just got me a part-time job in her clinic. I am not going to handle patients, what I will do is to collate, interpret and encode the patients annual physical exam results. Meaning I will be sitting in a comfortable chair, facing the computer, in a cold office in an eight hour work day but I’m also allowed to have overtime if I’d like to, which is totally fine with me because it also mean extra money. I actually had started on Saturday which was yesterday and I enjoyed it, although I was a little slow at first because I got a little confused about how to interpret but once I got the hang of it, I was definitely a lot faster.

If we were having coffee …

I’d tell you that I have been thinking for quite a while my desire to change my blog’s name, which had been on my mind since last year. I am thinking of something that will still imply the same meaning as my current one.

If we were having coffee …

I’d probably ask you as to whether it’s okay or not to post my tagalog poems here as well. I’d thought about making another blog solely for my tagalog writings but I just don’t want to have the hassle having to manage another account, I can barely manage this one. So, please tell me, what do you think about it, shall I or shall I not post my tagalog writing here too?

That’s all for me this week lovelies. Feel free to tell me or share with me what you been up to this week or anything that happened to you. Let’s meet up again next week. 🙂 You all have a good week ahead.

WeekendCoffeeShare

Time surely flies so fast, it’s that time again, our weekend coffee date.

If we were having coffee …

I’d probably complain just like any other people living here in the Philippines, about the unbearable scorching summer heat that is being aggravated by El Niño. Dang! I have blurted out such complain for countless of times already. The heat is zapping my energy, I feel tired, I’m having more trouble sleeping and I just don’t want to move and do anything for being hot and sweaty: the things that really irritates me so much. I also have found myself many times gasping for air for I felt suffocated.

If we were having coffee …

I’d tell you that I enjoyed hanging out with my friend last Friday, I’ve met with her at the mall to give her back the papers that I’ve helped her process and encode. Although the travel was a pain because just like what I’ve said it was super hot and I was sweating bullets when I arrived at the mall. We had lasagna for dinner for we were both craving for that at that time while we shared stories, after that we went to some stores and browsed through stuff. We then left the mall to the weekend night market near her workplace and she treated me to a juice with chunks of fresh fruits and it was divine.

If we were having coffee …

I’d tell you that this week I’ve rediscovered some of the things that I used to love, from music, movies to foods, styles etc. I also have develop a fascination for bullet journaling (BuJo) and any foods that are cheesy. With that, I remember that I went out last night to the supermarket to buy a bag cheesy chips. Yep, for that one bag I didn’t bother to line at the back of the super long line for the cashier.

If we were having coffee …

I’d tell you that as I am typing up this post, I can feel my head throbbing. My brain is in pain for too much information and too much political terms which are really dizzying as I just finished watching the Vice-Presidential debate. I have to say that it was a peaceful and professional one, I mean they weren’t causing ruckus and fighting like small children. The election is just around the corner and I must admit that until now I still haven’t decided who to vote, until then, that’s one thing to ponder about.

That’s all for now. Let’s meet up for a coffee date again next week. 🙂

15 Things About Me

I have been reading blogs a lot lately and some of the posts that I really enjoy reading are about their goals for the month, agendas for the day, plans, random facts about themselves, basically, things about the lives of the bloggers. So, I thought why not share some things that you may or may not know about me. 🙂

1. I love food. Who doesn’t? I don’t mind inhaling my food to the point that my tummy feels like exploding, seriously, I won’t stop eating unless I feel full. The kind of fullness when you know your stomach have stretched out to its almost maximum capacity. I over-eat if not all the time then most of the time.

2. I enjoy listening to acoustic songs. Guitars, pianos, violins and saxophones are my ears favorites.

3. I like beaches. The sight, the feel, the smell and the sound of it relaxes me and calms me like I have no worries and problems at all.

4. I suck at memorizing names, dates, numbers, places and directions. I suck at remembering details too. I may know that someone did something bad to me but I may not remember what it was that that someone did to me. What do you think, do I have memory problems? Do I need to take some memory enhancers?

5. I am a beverage-all-the-time type of person. Coffee, tea, juice, and/or  water if I ever remember. I like sipping a drink while reading, watching, studying or just whenever possible.

6. I like singing and dancing but my voice and body aren’t made to sing and dance. So I only do that at the shower then.

7. I get hot easily. I don’t mind being bundled up and cozy than being a sweaty mess. I just cannot stand heat for long, so that can get me really irritated, so mood swings are not shocking at all.

8. I always get itchy to clean and organize everything every time I see a mess. The OC in me can never really take it.

9. It pisses me off when someone borrows my stuff and not give it back to me the way I lent it to them or at least be tidy and careful when using it.

10. I don’t know how to swim so that makes it on the list of things that I would want to learn.

11. I am a creature of habit so changes, even the littlest one, can freak the crap out of me. Big time.

12. One of the things that I find attractive about guys is a slightly hoarse, raspy voice in a sexy kind of way like the voices of Oliver James, Zac Efron, Alejandro of Boyce Avenue and Josh Groban. Just thinking about it makes me giggly. *insert a blushing face here*

13. I originally dreamed of working in an office with a blasting air conditioner because you know, I hate being hot and sweaty and I like paper works. Then I dreamed of being a chef but unfortunately I have been veered away from it even before I can explore my abilities and skills for cooking.

14. I used to be allergic to sea foods, anything that has shells on them. I would swell like a puffer fish, would feel so hot as if I’m on fever, would even turn red like a cooked crab and what I liked to do with that was to .. sleep, so when I wake up it would feel like nothing happened.

15. If you ever get confused as to what flavor to get me, you can never go wrong with chocolate, of course. If that one is out of option then double-dutch, vanilla or even strawberry will do.

There’s so much more I’d like to share but I think that’ll do for now, maybe next time then. Let me know if there’s something you’re curious about, I’d gladly answer it or if you want you can just share something about you, that’ll be really cool. 🙂