When life gives you lemons …

Hey you all my friends, it has been a long while huh. How are you all doing? I hope all is well. As for me, it has been the same old, same old. Very interesting, I know.

The long weekend is sadly coming to an end very soon. It feels so short and seems like I haven’t done anything that I planned on doing and here I am already dreading going back to work the day after tomorrow.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job, it’s just that I am only human. When you work thirteen days straight and have only one day off and repeat it can be exhausting, not only physically but mentally as well. I feel so consumed.

Being an adult is very difficult indeed, in all aspects.

My mind can’t seem to relax nowadays. I may look like I am chilling but deep inside, I am in chaos. When I think about how my life is going and my future, I feel scared. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel lonely. No, I am not depressed. This is just my usual over-thinker self.

I feel hollow too. I somehow feel like I am a robot. Just doing, not actually living.

It feels like I need to figure out the next chapter in my life. Or this could be another “what-the-heck-am-I-doing-with-my-life” crisis, version II. It’s like I’m just driving aimlessly. No direction. No specific place to pursue.

“How to get back on the road?”  My frantic mind yelled.

I need to come up with a goal: plan it, do it, and follow-through. Just like that, sounds easy right? But we all know it is more than that.

Learning your next step is somewhat doable but if the universe doesn’t cooperate and chooses to give you situations that are more disadvantageous to you, how would you carry on? How to stay motivated? How to stay on track?

Where did the spark go?

Have you ever talked to someone whom you badly wanted to like, as in romantically? Maybe because that person have qualities and features that you find so charming or maybe because you simply like him/her for the person he/she is, the coolness, quirks and all.

You talked and talked, gave it more time and chances to talk while you’re being on the lookout to spot that something — for that factor that would tell you and convince you that you really are so into this person. That factor that would tell you that your attraction to him/her is actually valid.

That feeling of the mere mention of his name immediately sending high voltages of electricities exploding like fireworks inside of you. That feeling of just catching sight of his face instantly causes your blood to rush on your cheeks, giving them color. That feeling that of when your gazes locks, it makes you inhale a breath sharply then makes you wriggle as if you’re a worm sprinkled with salt. That feeling of when you catch a whiff of his masculine perfume automatically pulls your lips into a smile. That feeling of when you hear him utter your name, it’s as if the Heaven’s opened up and the angels with trumpets are serenading you. That feeling of when his hand grazes with yours, sending ripples of shivers down your spine triggering the hair on your bodies to stand up. That feeling of as when he’s walking towards you, it gives you butterflies in your stomach, fluttering energetically everywhere causing you to feel giddy and dizzy with so much excitement and expectation.

There’s this man, 6 foot 1 tall with chocolatey brown eyes matching with his brown toussled hair. I first saw him in his scrub suit with a stethoscope around his neck. A surgeon he said he is. Oh, I can only imagine the twinkle in my eyes. “How sexy.” says my mind. I love it whenever he talks about his patients and his surgeries, he exudes confidence and enjoyment of what he do which makes him a hell lot more attractive and charming. The way he talks, so professional but can crack jokes too, definitely not lacking in the humor department. Sounds so good to be real, right?

As I am watching him being in his element as he talk with his patient, I’m silently swearing and cursing at myself. Seeing with my own two eyes how rock-god-tastic this man is, I can’t help to question myself why. “Why?

That gorgeous of a man and I, we talk, we hang out. He tells me stuff that he doesn’t even want to mention or talk about with other people which makes me feel so honored thinking that he trust me. He feels comfortable with me, he told me so, and I too with him. I can be silly, goofy, grumpy even clumsy. I am myself when I’m with him. We have a lot of similarities and yes we have differences too but still we get on really well. His far from perfect, he’s got temper too. He can be blunt and cold at times and not too big of a fan of coffee. He’s gentle with kids, he likes them. He’s a filial son to his mother.

But why . . .

Why can’t I feel any of those intoxicating feelings of a woman who madly likes a man?

Is there something wrong with my heart? Didn’t cupid put enough dose of love in the arrow he shot me? Or was the arrow not intended for me? Where did the spark go?

What do I do? I like him but my heart is adamantly still. Should I keep liking him? Should I just give it more time and see if feelings may develop along the way? Maybe I’m just rushing my heart.

Or could it be that . . . maybe I’m just in love with the thought of him?

No.” my mind sighed.

Ang Babaeng Balisa at Problemada

Ilang araw ko ring pinag-isipan kung dapat bang aking mga saloobin ay sa papel isulat. Ilang araw ko ring sinubukan ngunit sa huli ay laging hindi nangyayari. May ideya ka na ba kung gaano katindi ang kaguluhan sa loob ng aking isipan? Sa tuwing hawak ko na ang panulat at ang papel, ang mga salita, bagay o mga pangyayaring laging sumisigaw na waring sa akin ay nagsusumamo ng pansin ay bigla na lamang nawawala na parang bula. Bakit? Natatakot ba na sila ay sa papel mailapat? Bakit? Natatakot ba sila na kapag sa papel ay matagumpay na nailipat ay sa wakas ay matatapos na ang sa akin ay kanilang paggambala? “Sana nga.” Wari ng aking isip. “Sana nga talaga.” Isa pa nitong sambit.

Kaya naman heto ako at sumusubok. Pinag-isipan ko pa kung ito ba ay aking isusulat sa wikang tunay na aking salita o sa wikang banyaga na tunay na hiram lamang. Sa anong wika ko nga ba lubos na maipapahatid ang aking tunay na saloobin? May mga tanong na naman na biglang dumating at sa akin ay gumugulo. Handa ba ako na aking mga diwa’t damdami’y ipaalam o ipabasa sa ibang tao? Paano kung husgahan lamang nila ako? Ipapaskil ko ba ito o sarilihin ko na lang ulit at hayaang nakaipit sa pahina ng kwadernong aking pinagsulatan?

Teka, ito ay kailangan ko nga talagang pag-isipan. Kaya naman ako ay tumayo, lumabas ng aking kwarto at sa kusina ay nagtungo. Kumuha ng isang malaking babasaging baso, naglagay ng mga yelong hugis kwadrado, ibinuhos ang likidong kulay itim na kilala sa tawag na kape at saka kumuha at nilagay ang pahabang metal na gamit pangsipsip. Kumuha na rin ako ng bilog na platito at naglagay ng tatlong pirasong pandesal at pagkatapos ay pumanhik na pabalik sa aking silid. Inilapag ang mga dala sa ibabaw ng aking munting mesa, kumagat ng pandesal at sumipsip ng kape na bahagya ng lumamig. Kinuha ang panulat, hawak ito, ipinuwesto ang kamay sa ibabaw ng kwaderno upang ang isinusulat ay maipagpatuloy ngunit . . . ano na nga ba ulit ang aking isusulat?

Hindi ko maalala. Ikaw na nagbabasa, alam mo ba? Pakisabi naman baka sakaling sa aking isip ay bumalik.

Wala na. Wala na talaga. Sabaw na naman ang utak ng babaeng balisa at problemada.

Dismayado. Inubos ko na lamang ang aking malamig na kape sa isang dire-diretsong pagsipsip gamit ang metal na istro sabay wari sa sarili “Paano na?” Maisusulat ko pa ba ang mga binalak kong isulat? Maiaalis ko pa ba ang mga diwang gumugulo sa isipan patungo sa puting pahina ng kwadernong ito? Pinalipas ko ang ilang sandali habang blangkong nakatitig sa puti kong pader, nagbabaka sakaling may sagot na dumating. Ngunit wala. Wala talaga. Kaya naman nagkibit-balikat na lamang at saka nagsabing “Baka mamaya. Baka bukas. Malay natin.”

Thoughts That Are Crowding My Head Lately

Hello, you beautiful creatures of this planet! How’s it going? I hope all is going well for you all. As for me, everything’s going the same. Quite stressed out on most days and relaxed on other days with Yiruma’s playlist playing in the background which greatly helps in calming me down. And since today is a day of the former, might as well dump and transcribe some of these thoughts into words in the hope that maybe it could clear out at least a little bit of space in this very crowded brain of mine. In doing so, I could use that space for the more worthwhile thoughts, yeah?

i. Should I go shorter or just go for a trim? For months now, I’m feeling a bit rebellious about my hair. For the longest time I really want to cut my hair short as in shoulder length short. The last time I’ve gotten my hair that short was when I was ten or eleven years old. I also fancy getting some bangs at the same time. I know for myself that this is me being overly ambitious because one, my hair type and texture is difficult to work with which is the reason why the hairdresser that I usually go to strongly opposed the idea of me going short. Two, short hair and bangs, it may not seem like it but in reality they are harder to maintain than long hair and I doubt myself if I have the patience for that.

ii. Less rice, please! Oh my goodness, would you believe that I can eat three plates of rice? Uhhmmm … Yeah, I do that. Oooppps! And the body is totally rebelling against me now. It’s really undeniable. My clothes are getting tighter and tighter by the day and it’s starting to low-key bother me. And my mom makes sure to inform me that every time she sees me.

iii. Don’t neglect yourself, please lady! This says my brain to me as I am again deep into being a slob. I mean if I don’t shower every day I don’t know if I would still look like a human.

iv. Let’s get the gears on your head up and running. Create. There are a number of projects or should I say hobbies that I want to do that I think can help me appease or escape from this growing anxiety inside of me. I need to do something that’ll occupy my mind aside from just being in my laptop for the whole day. Recently, I rediscovered my fascination with crocheting so why not give it a go and do it again. It’s not an expensive hobby either, for a beginner at least. I’m thinking of doing something that I can use like cell phone/laptop covers, coasters and dish cloths for starters.  I just really have to remember to buy a hook and some yarn. Seriously, do them now, Gerry.

v. Get those booties moving. Since I’ve gained weight, I also would like to take on a 30-day workout challenge. There’s a ton of videos on Youtube, thank goodness for that which makes our life a tad bit easier. I decided to try on Emi Wong’s workout videos because I’ve seen a lot of positive feedbacks of success from people who tried and diligently did her workouts which really boosted my motivation to exercise. Not gonna lie, this is going to be a hard challenge and the chances of me exercising everyday will depend on a couple of reasons so we’ll see.

vi. Can someone gift me a French press, please? I miss waking up in the morning with the aroma of roast coffee freshly brewing wafting in the air but since our coffee maker broke, I did my coffee manually in the stovetop which made me realize that a French press will do perfect for me for I am the only one who drinks black coffee in our house. I think that a French press is a cheaper than a coffee maker so that works for me.

vii. Better budgeting. I am the one who handles our budget for every day expenses and every day I am somewhat dumbfounded of how much I spend even on just food alone. Our family’s finances are a lot tighter these days because rent, bills and tuition fees are very damaging to everyone’s wallet. So in light of that I just want to make an effort to save a little bit more therefore I need to find a better budgeting strategy than just continuously letting my brothers to eat two pieces of chicken each every single time.

viii. Dress better, girl! One undeniable reason that contributes to me feeling like crap every day is that I look like crap every day. And I’m not even kidding. Dishevelled uncombed hair, worn-out clothes that have seen better years, kitty chewed-on slippers and just plainly being a sweaty mess most of the time is my every day fashion. How elegant and attractive, right? I suddenly remember Heart Evangelista in one of her videos that she dresses up and do her make-up every day and even wear heels at home just because. I’m not saying that I’ll start wearing heels at home too but at least dress better to look more like a proper lady.

ix. Stop holding yourself back! Stop feeling so guilty over little things.  Stop feeling so shy. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop thinking as to what other people think of you and about the decisions/choices that you make.  You do you, girl! You do you.

Now let’s hustle, shall we?

November Intentions

I am finding it hard to believe that it’s already November. Clearly, I am still in denial that we’re roughly only two months away before a new year rolls in. Since I pretty much failed this year yet again, I thought there’s still two months left so why not at least attempt to make something worthwhile out of it.


Since I decided to stop myself from binge watching Korean drama series or any series for that matter, I thought I might as well start reading again. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I think it’s time to completely clear out the remaining e-books that has been sitting in my google drive for so long so that I can fill it again with new titles. Actually I am only compelled to refrain watching k-dramas just because I ran out of series to watch and the ones that I want to watch are still ongoing but the thing about me though is that I don’t to watch a series  unless it’s already completed.  I am just way too impatient to wait for a week for the next episode.


This includes the little routines that I do for myself that contributes to my overall well-being. Instead of doing it just whenever I remember them which are next to never, I thought why not regularly do it. I already set reminders for this so the forgetful being of me is not going to be an excuse anymore.  This is me trying to outwit myself.


I mentioned in my previous post that I want to serve my family healthier foods. This will be like a trial-and-error in the hope of exploring or trying out more foods that my family may like.


I had been neglectful of this since we moved but now I want to get back in the groove of going to mass again and also praying at night. I’m not really a very religious person and I only know one prayer but there’s just something whenever I go to church and hear a mass that I find comforting and soothing. It’s like its mending the broken gaps of my soul. Dramatic, I know. Since I’m in such a disheveled state right now, this I know will be of great help for me for sure.


Writing and I seems like we’re having a lover’s quarrel nowadays for the reason that writing doesn’t like me anymore so before writing completely dump me, I need me to find another creative hobby. I’m thinking now is the good time to learn the ukulele but sadly, I still don’t have a ukulele. If anyone out there is thinking of giving me a present, yes you can gift me ukulele and for sure my heart will be full with so much happiness and gratefulness. Thanks to you, whoever you are. Thank you very much in advance. 😂😂😂 Since the ukulele is undoable for now, I’m thinking maybe I should try drawing/sketching. I do not have a wild and wide imagination and I do not have a good hand to draw good sketches. My drawings are as good as of that of a kindergarden child but still it is something that I know I do enjoy doing.

So yeah, those are what I would strive to attain for this month. I know I always fail at this sort of thing but who knows, I might really do them this time.

Random Thoughts: A Brain Dump

How are you all doing my friends? Hoping all is well. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say here. I’ve read quite a few posts today that it sort of propelled me to open my word document even though I have no idea what to write. I am just kind of winging this out. Well as they say if you don’t know where or how to begin, you can always start at the simplest/easiest step you can do. It may be as simple as opening a blank document. Don’t under estimate these little things because you may never know where it can lead you. Am I right?

Since it has come to this, please allow me to ramble and scribble down whatever that pops up in this chaotic mind of mine …

1. I miss writing. Oh goodness! Do you have any idea how frustrated I feel right now for not being able to write anything for so long? I miss writing proses, poems even haikus like I used to. I couldn’t help to think that the little creativity and imagination that I have has already left me. And this blog? It already seemed like I had abandoned it ages ago. I need to refocus to the goal I had when I created this blog.

2. I should start taking journaling seriously. I am convinced that I am one of those people that jotting down to paper the messes in my mind helps greatly in clearing up some space in my brain resulting to more organized thoughts and positive mood.

3. Getting back in shape is another thing that I should take seriously. I’m not saying that I should go all out to get a Victoria Secret model’s body. That’s impossible. What I mean by getting back in shape is to shed the few kilos I’ve gained from having a sedentary lifestyle. I believe I am now in my heaviest in all of my life. I don’t need a weighing scale to confirm that as I can already see and feel it in my middle section, cheeks, thighs, love handles and in the overall mood and feel of my body. We have a stationary bike, a set of dumb bells, an exercise ball and a yoga mat so I do not have any excuse now do I? But I still prefer to run though …

4. I should cook more and healthier. Thinking what to feed my family is a huge challenge in our household because my family prefers a carnivore and unhealthy diet. I couldn’t help but feel guilty whenever I constantly serve them fried, processed and even canned foods. I know I need to be sneakier and more creative to make them eat healthier.

5. I should take a break from watching Korean drama series. This has pretty much taken over my life for months now and it’s not helping me at all aside from providing me escape from the real horrors of my reality. I should get back to reading and exercising instead.

6. I love listening to OPM again. I am so happy that our music is slowly getting back at it again. The Pinoy Chart Toppers playlist on Spotify has been on repeat for me these days. I am loving the sound of OPM again.

7. I failed this year. I am more than aware of that and there’s no one to blame for this but me and my indecisiveness, pride and cowardice. There’s not one thing in my goals to achieve this year has happened. It’s another year that has been thrown away and I greatly regret it. I do not want to beat myself up for it anymore; instead I’ll focus on gaining the right motivation and exerting more effort in order to work twice or thrice as hard as I needed to so I can take one step at a time closer to my goals.

8. Growing herbs and vegetables has been lingering in my mind for quite some time now. It’s not that I use a lot of herbs when I cook; I only plan on growing peppermint for now so I can use it as tea. I already had one but it died as it was planted directly exposed to sun, now I know better. With vegetables, I want to try growing tomatoes, calamansi, spring onions and chillis. People say when you enjoy black coffee and gardening, it means that you’re old. I enjoy black coffee and I am already considering growing some veggies, does it mean I’m old? Having a garden has always been in my bucket list.

9. I meant it when I said I want to learn to play ukulele. I couldn’t start learning it for now as I don’t own a ukulele just yet but one day. Anyone who can teach me?

10. I should drink less coffee and consume tea instead as a healthier alternative. I know that my coffee drinking habit has contributed to my weight gain as I drink instant coffee mix up to four cups a day. For now, I opt for the classic black with just milk on it and I refused to drink another cuppa unless I’ve already drink two tumblers worth of water. I’m doing well on this so far, though I still crave that sugary instant coffee.

I think I should end this here for now. I didn’t know I already blabbered that much. Since this post is random and the content is random, do you have anything that you want to share? Anything at all? I don’t mind how random that is and certainly am not judging. Just share away.

Things I’m Loving Lately

I  know, I know. This post is so unoriginal because I am so uncreative like that. I suck at coming up with titles anyway and I am more than aware of that. Believe me or not I tried to think of a different title that is cool with the same meaning for so long but screw it I couldn’t so why not just dive into it and do it. I just really want share my favorites at the moment that gives me my daily dose of happiness. So, without further ado, here’s the things I’m loving lately:


I mean it’s no question how music can influence us in general: it reflects our moods and feelings and it can even instantly lifts our spirit up. Since we moved apartment, it had taken weeks before we had our cable and internet connected meaning also for weeks we pretty much had nothing to do for entertainment. So I myself had turned into my ever so trusted music buddy, Spotify. I don’t create my own playlists but rather choose from the existing playlists on the browse section. Lately, I have been loving these playlists in particular:

Because the millenial in me is kicking in and I miss listening to these songs that I grew up with. It’s nostalgic for me, remembering my younger days. Oh geez, saying that suddenly made me feel so old.

I like listening to these playlists during the morning while I’m having breakfast and/or cleaning and tidying around the house. It’s not too noisy and it’s not too mellow either, just perfect for when your mind and body are still waking up.

I also love this playlist of Yiruma’s music. I have always loved this ever since I first heard  of River Flows In You in a Dancing With The Star’s video. This is my go to playlist for when I want to calm my mind and mood. I like listening to this usually during the evening for when I want to wind down for the night to mellow out the energy, there were times that I listen to this to sleep. It’s just so relaxing and calming for me.


I have really been into listening to music lately. If I’m not on Spotify, you’ll see me browsing through countless of videos on Youtube because who doesn’t do that, right? And I have two videos in particular that I have been shamelessly raping the repeat button for days. Obviously, I am in serious last song syndrome situation.

Just because it’s Mori. We all know how great of a singer she is who can whistle like Mariah Carey and that little squeaks she does that has become kind of her trademark. I wasn’t really a fan of the squeaking at first but now I’m digging it, that is just so Mori.

I first watched this video the other day because first, it’s Moira and we all know how great of a singer she is too and second, she’s covering Perfect by Ed Sheeran. I mean can it get better than that? Also she has a unique voice and I am so in love with that voice. I’m kind of jealous of that actually, I’m not gonna lie. What made this video so fun to watch is not only because of Moira and Jason’s flawless voices and the oh so beautiful way they sang it but also because they had kept in the video the giggling and funny bits that they had while recording and it was just so adorable and so kilig. They reflect the song that they were singing. I just think that this video also shows a little bit of Moira’s personality which is so awesome.


Since we had our internet connection installed, I had been binge watching my favorite youtuber’s vlogmasses every night and all of their vlogs in general actually because I love watching it. I like seeing or watching how other people spends their time, what they do in a day and basically how they live their lives. I’m curious. Is it so wrong?


I first had a taste of this on tuesday this week when I went out of the house that afternoon with a purpose of paying something that I needed to pay thru the cliqq machine in 7/11 but unfortunately the two 7/11 stores that I went to both had broken machines. I was so annoyed because I walked around 15  to 20 minutes from the first 7/11 all the way to the second 7/11  store under the scalding heat of mister sun. I was boiling hot and was sweating like a pig. So as a reward of some sort for myself, I picked this up and ate it while I walked back home. Since then I had been eating this everyday which maybe is another culprit why I am breaking out so badly this time. Ooopps.


I’m a silent bujo enthusiast. I like being organized and I like lists and I definitely like how creative you can be in creating your own bullet journal. Just this week I noticed how I keep losing a good amount of time just by scrolling through instagram looking at photos of bujo entries. Every time I’m mesmerized. It’s just so interesting to me how people invest their time and effort, even resources setting up their bullet journal and how they utilize it in their lives. I’ve never tried doing one. I can only do a very basic to-do list in a piece of paper, crossed out the finished ones then tossed that paper in the trash bin when I no longer need it.  I hope one day I can try doing it too. 🙂

What about you, what are the things that you’re loving lately?
Feel free to share it in the comments.


Gerry over and out. 😀😉

For You

Dear M,

         It was on a very random day of December 2016 when we had exchanged and established our first Hi’s and Hello’s, little did I know that that was the start of something that I will cherished for as long as my neurons can remember. I talked to you with no expectation at all as I was so used to talking to people who were rude and plainly jerks. Then you came along. I really thought at first that you were just like the lots of them but it turned out that that wasn’t the case at all. I remember when I realized that, I was reminded of the saying “There’s always an exception to the rule.” I think I even uttered that out loud to myself with a smile on my face. Very fitting, said my mind.

          Since then, we exchanged messages every day. Your replies were one of the things that I always look forward to when I woke up to a new day. I was so glad about the fact that our conversations were not just basics or small talks – the kind of talks that for me is draining and tiring. I greatly appreciate that I found someone whom I can talk to like an actual adult and have deep conversations with pretty much about anything with no holds barred. Your open-mindedness I found so endearing and it charmed me every time. Your advises and words of wisdoms were everything to me. I learned a lot from you, that’s for sure. They may not be new to me but you were the proof that it was all possible and very doable. Your fearlessness and bravery for taking chances enchanted me. I remember I even felt jealous and envious of that at some point, well … I think I still am today to be honest. When life gave me a beating, just the thought of you could immediately pull me into positivity. You cheered me up when I was sad. You willingly listened to me when I needed to vent out even though they were the things that I had been telling you over and over again. You listened. Unbiased and non-judgmental were other qualities of yours that I admired oh so greatly. You undeniably had become a role-model for me.

          I think it’s about time to admit that you’re the one who actually made me realized that I am now more open to the thought of deepening my relationship to someone, romantically I mean. I am not going to deny that just the mere thought of that really scared the living life out of me. Exaggerated you may think but no, not really. That’s absolutely how I felt. What if I get really invested in you and then things don’t work out? What if the universe doesn’t conspire with us? Oh God, that’ll break me for sure. I was so grateful when you said that you wouldn’t rush and force me to do things and/or decisions that I am not ready for.

          These last couple of months though, I felt something different that I couldn’t quite put a finger on but now that I’m thinking about it, I think I was just in denial all this time.  Then came along your last message, I read it and it hurts. A lot. I couldn’t even get mad about it because all you said were true. Did I mention that I value your honesty and straight-forwardness too? I was with my mom when I read that message. I was barely holding my tears that I needed to excuse myself to go to the toilet, opened the faucet and let the tears rolled out.  The crushing pain in my chest was growing stronger and stronger by the second. As your words kept repeating in my head, one word kept popping to mind, TRUE. You said nothing but the truth and as they say, truth hurts. Indeed, it hurts. It was beyond annoying that I could do nothing about it but to feel guilty because I am guilty.

          You said that you would like to see me one day as a strong woman who exactly knows what she wants in life and that I am obviously not there yet. This you don’t have to tell me for I know that already, that’s one of the things that I would want for myself too. You said that for you it seems like I am confused – very confused, I said to myself – about the things that I should do, about my priorities in life and that if I do want to have someone in my life like a boyfriend or a husband. I must admit that the last one made me chuckle for a second because silly you, of course I would want that because I don’t have any intention of being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. You also said that maybe time is the key for me to figure these out. I recall myself nodding to this under the constant stream of tears falling out of my eyes and with the heaviness in my chest because I knew this too is true.

          It’s my fault that our relationship didn’t progress like the way we wanted it. You said that you’re not pointing a finger at me that this didn’t happen but again, you really didn’t have to tell me that because again, I already know that. The problem is in me. The problem is me. That made me realized that I really need to sort out myself first, feel a little settled at the very least before I can accommodate someone new in my life. And that’s what I intend to do. I am very regretful of how this all turned out. Just like you said, you wish things were different. Well, me too. How I wish I’m different, because maybe then … there might be a chance.

            Simply saying thank you wouldn’t suffice to completely express how grateful I am for you, for knowing you and for all the things I’ve learned from you. I am sad and I am regretful. I am undeniably feeling the pain like I just had a friendship breakup. It’s not a happy ending but with all the lessons learned, I think that’s where the bright side is. I am still hopeful though, that that one day will come. The day when I can reciprocate what you’re giving me and confidently accept what you’re offering for me.

          With all of this been said, I still have one last thing to say …
           Thank you for being you, mister.


Your Princess,

Late Night Brain Dump

Hello you guys! How have you been doing? It has been a while isn’t it? Yes, I’m still breathing and alive. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say. I just kind of feeling like writing, to get these thoughts out of my head and scribble them somewhere which is exactly what I’m doing now. Obviously.

I still don’t really know what to say and share with you. I really hate it when I feel like I have tons and tons of things crowding my mind but then the second that I actually want to write them down they all just disappear. Bummer.

Let me just start then by sharing with you that for a few weeks, I had been on a reading spree. The number of books I’ve finished recently made me so happy and satisfied but it worries me at the same time because my e-book stash is disappearing very quickly. I’m actually kind of scared that I will run out of books to read because reading is all I could do for now with the fact that we still don’t have internet yet and our television is more often than not in control by my dad and/or by my brother. I’m considering of typing up another book round-up and a few book thoughts but not quite sure yet. I don’t know if this craving to write will hold up and keep me motivated long enough to actually write them or write anything at all besides this post. We’ll just have to see then, I guess.

I miss writing poems. It has been so long since the last time I’ve written one and I’m talking about years – totally not exaggerating. I still have the poems saved here in my computer so I might be posting them from time to time. I’m still considering if I will post the tagalog ones. Should I or should I not?

I miss my friends. Badly. I miss hanging out with them. It has been a while since the last time I saw them. There had been at least a couple of birthdays that had passed that I thought were opportunities for us to meet but nope it never happened. I guess they’re just too busy tending with their own lives. I doubt we will be having our yearly tradition of going to the beach this month. How sad.

I’m also feeling jealous of my mom right now, she’s now in the province to visit our relatives there and also to visit my grandfather’s grave. They will very likely visit my hometown too which I have been dying for so long to visit again to see the house/place where I grew up in. But unfortunately, it’s something that my mom wouldn’t allow for me to do so for a very personal reason which I know of course and I totally understand.

Another thing that I’d like to share that I just happen to remember as I am typing this right now is how abnormal and erratic my sleeping pattern is nowadays. It actually bothers me and worries me a lot. I don’t know how I could keep going on and function in my day with very little sleep – with that I mean, just an hour or two of shut eye for days straight. It’s crazy I know. It’s gotten out of control for the worse that just a few days ago, my body has retaliated fiercely. I had a very bad throbbing headache for almost two days, I was feeling dizzy and nauseous as well to the point that I thought I would puke my guts out at any moment and I know for sure that it was due to my lack of sleep. I am now suddenly being bombarded with the bad effects of having lack of sleep in the body and in the mind. Oh my goodness, this needs to be addressed immediately!

I just realized that I still have many thoughts to dump but I would like to keep those things for myself, it’s kind of a sensitive matter for me at the moment. I’ll just write them down somewhere else that only I know where and only I can read.

Now, it’s a no brainer for me that I badly need to get my life together. I promised myself not to be so pessimistic anymore so I need to dispel this budding negativity hovering around me. I’ll just keep reminding myself that if anyone can, why can’t I? Am I right? I have read somewhere that there’s nothing you cannot do/achieve if you have the right mindset. And I totally agree with that.

So, for anyone out there who’s also going through something these days, let’s just hang in there friends!

Brain Dump

Hello September! Seriously, someone please slow down this thing called time. Tell it not to be in so much hurry. I’m really losing my mind here. It’s my birthday month, I’m officially turning a year older next week and to be honest, I am not so excited about that. Just the thought of my birthday coming up is giving me so much pressure. About life. My life. What have I been doing all this time? Really. Does someone know? Me? I don’t. I’m as clueless as any other person I ask.

What in the world?! Am I really this hopeless? Frustration and disappointment is such a combo I’m living in nowadays. It’s like a perfect pair for ruined confidence. They’re the very things I’m seeing in my mom’s eyes and hearing in my mom’s words. How about that? Guilt trip. If there’s one person I’d like to please, that’ll be my mom. Before I was wishing that she should start to slowly loosen her grip on me with her being the overprotective mom that she is. But now, I notice that she’s already doing just that. She always tells me that she’s hoping and praying that I’d get my lazy butt up and get out of this ‘slump‘ and to actually start to get my life together. I even heard her tell her friends one afternoon that she’s hoping for me to get married. And in my mind I was like, “What the heck is she talking about?” then she continued that it’s a little impossible at the moment since I don’t even date yet. How I wish someone saw the smug on my face when I heard that and even now as I am thinking about it.

Obviously, she had expected so much more from me than being just a couch potato, a slob, a bum whatever you want to call it. The only motivation I have now is her scream of happiness and pride when I passed the nursing licensure exam. She prided herself to her friends the fact that I passed the board exam in one try right after college. She of course then expected that I’d get my first job in the same year after a few months of resting which for her meant that of me getting ready to dive into the so called real world. But the few months turned into six years. Can you believe that? Who wouldn’t be so frustrated and disappointed about that? In that sense, I’m pathetic and I’m greatly ashamed of it. It was never my intention but it happened nonetheless. There’s nothing to say about it but that I highly highly regretted these six years of me being an extra mouth to feed, an extra body that crowd our house and an extra person that my parents have to worry about.

So, do you see now where this humongous pressure I’m feeling right now coming from? I’m getting older. I cannot deny that and all I want really is to finally be able to grow up but of course as life is unfair, realizing it is just one thing, you still have to follow through and actually do it. Why is adulthood so hard and complicated?

When someone says, if they have my diploma, if they have my license, if they have my age, they for sure – this words are always emphasized – have already gone far. You have no idea how many times I have been told that. Sounds so easy, right? But is it really just that easy? Because if it is then maybe I’m stupider that I think I am.

Does maturity really comes with age? In my case, maybe it is because now I am becoming more aware of my decisions and actions but I know I can still be as immature as ever. All I know at this moment is that, I may have lost my timing, my rhythm, my plan and even myself; I still have the ability to get back up again. So, go lang ng go.

Now, enough of this ranting and negativities.

September is supposed to be for good vibes. We should start feeling the tickle of excitement as it slowly builds up to the thrill, fun and enjoyment for the holiday season. I know it is my birthday month even without a calendar when I hear Christmas songs and Jose Mari Chan’s music playing somewhere or everywhere really. I don’t know what to say anymore so I think I have to end this post now. The end.