When life gives you lemons …

Hey you all my friends, it has been a long while huh. How are you all doing? I hope all is well. As for me, it has been the same old, same old. Very interesting, I know.

The long weekend is sadly coming to an end very soon. It feels so short and seems like I haven’t done anything that I planned on doing and here I am already dreading going back to work the day after tomorrow.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my job, it’s just that I am only human. When you work thirteen days straight and have only one day off and repeat it can be exhausting, not only physically but mentally as well. I feel so consumed.

Being an adult is very difficult indeed, in all aspects.

My mind can’t seem to relax nowadays. I may look like I am chilling but deep inside, I am in chaos. When I think about how my life is going and my future, I feel scared. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel lonely. No, I am not depressed. This is just my usual over-thinker self.

I feel hollow too. I somehow feel like I am a robot. Just doing, not actually living.

It feels like I need to figure out the next chapter in my life. Or this could be another “what-the-heck-am-I-doing-with-my-life” crisis, version II. It’s like I’m just driving aimlessly. No direction. No specific place to pursue.

“How to get back on the road?”  My frantic mind yelled.

I need to come up with a goal: plan it, do it, and follow-through. Just like that, sounds easy right? But we all know it is more than that.

Learning your next step is somewhat doable but if the universe doesn’t cooperate and chooses to give you situations that are more disadvantageous to you, how would you carry on? How to stay motivated? How to stay on track?

LIFE LATELY: A BRAIN DUMP

Good day my friends! How are you all? It’s currently the 6^th of June, wait … what? How is it June already? Seriously? Not too long ago the New Year just rolled in and now we’re already almost halfway of the year. It’s unbelievable how time flies so fast.

So what’s up with me? Allow me to de-clutter my mind.

i. Nothing much actually aside from the fact that I’m officially a salary woman. Yay! It has been a long time coming but yeah I am a working lady, people. I started working as a clinic nurse October of last year. Work is doable, tiring yes, but it’s the kind of tiredness that feels worth it. I lay in bed at night after a long day at work with sore muscles but I’m grateful because it’s from being productive. Sure, there are a lot of stresses too but it’s greatly helpful to have friendly and bubbly workmates which makes the job fun too. A lot of teasing, laughing and eating and they love to banter just like how siblings does, that usually makes the highlight of my day.

ii. With me having an income somehow eases the burden financially in our household. I can only pay for our monthly rent, that’s all my salary can afford but that’s already a huge sigh of relief for us to no longer worry about getting kicked out of the apartment and be homeless. I’m able to bring home a few groceries with me from time to time when I hadn’t spent my daily allowance for a few days.

iii. My brother and his girlfriend have been staying with us since last month because the girl is due to deliver their baby any moment from now. My mom didn’t like it at first but now she’s more excited meeting the baby than being pissed with them. They decided to stay with us so the girl will not be left alone while my brother works as she nears her due date. They will have to stay with us probably for a few more months until they both are comfortable to be left alone with their baby. They’re both first time parents so they will need a lot of guidance and support especially from my parents.

iv. With my younger brother soon going to be a dad just made me feel that I am actually getting old, given that I am already turning 30 in a few months definitely made me realized that I am no longer a child. I cannot put into words how exactly I am feeling but it’s a weird feeling for sure. I am like in between being in denial and acceptance.

v. Since I started working, it seemed like I can barely do anything else in my day aside from the time I spend at work. When I come home, more often than not, I fall asleep once I hit the pillow. It has been a routine of mine that once I changed into my lounge wear or pajamas, I lay in bed to straighten my back then the next thing I know, my alarm is waking me up the next day. I used to have trouble sleeping, I even call myself a zombie or a vampire but nowadays, in most days I sleep like a baby.

vi. I am extremely itching to redecorate our house. I want to get rid of our old things and furnitures which have seen better days. I want a complete revamp of our home stuff. No, this is not me being wasteful. I just want a refresh. Most of our home stuff we have been using since my high school days and that was ages ago. I want our home to look a bit more modern yet still cosy. Honestly, these things have been a constant reminder for me of that dark phase in my life that I don’t want to remember so I really want to get rid of them.

Considering how very limited my fund is, this will be a long time project.   

vii. In line with revamping our home stuff, I also want a complete refresh of my personal stuff, from my wardrobe to my gadgets. Again, this is not me being maluho or luxurious. A lot of my clothes I’ve been wearing since my college days. , I’m no longer a teenager. So I need to dress and walk my age, don’t you think?

My bags, laptop and phone are all hand me downs from my mom. My laptop is old and outdated. I’m still okay with it since it’s still functional until it started acting up. It shuts down and restarts on itself. It’s getting slow. A lot of its apps and softwares are outdated. The most annoying thing of all is that the keyboard is busted. A number of its keys don’t work anymore.

viii. Another thing, this girl is in dire need of a haircut. My hair has been so wild like a lion’s mane. My hair is thick and so frizzy and considering how humid this country is, this hair in the head of mine just couldn’t be tamed. I plan on getting it sorted one of these days. I just need to figure out when I can get it done because Sundays are my only days off and we all know on Sundays, a lot of businesses are closed which is a bummer.

ix. I am really itching to get dental braces. Not because I want to be trendy but because I really need to. I have been trying to get it for ages, it just always doesn’t happen. I’m setting aside my 13^th month pay for that so, soon teeth. It’ll be soon.

x. Anyone out there who can teach me how to properly manage time please? My hobbies have been neglected and forgotten. A huge chunk of my time is spent working in the clinic, I feel like I couldn’t do anything else because when I come home, I’d rather rest and sleep. I’ve been intending to get back to exercising but I just don’t know how I can fit it in my day or if I still have the energy to do so. I also miss reading, books and blogs too. I miss writing and this blog. Add in my want to learn to play ukulele. How?

So many plans but not one gets done, at least for now.

xi. Also, anyone who knows a cute name or endearment for tita/auntie? I want to be called by my niece with something cute, not just tita or auntie. Those will be reminder that I am at that age already.

Please, excuse this lady who gets a bit sensitive with her age.

That’s all for now, friends.

How about you, did you go through a phase where you get sensitive with your age too? I’m curious. I’d like to know I’m not the only one.

to new beginnings, full of hope

Damn you 2020! I know most of us can agree to that. Last year was just chaos after chaos. *insert me sighing here.* I am just glad that 2020 is finally over. When a new year rolls in, there’s just something cathartic about it, liberating even from all the madness of the past year. The beauty of it is that, it gives us hope, surges of motivation and optimism for the days ahead of us. We all are feeling excited and looking forward to start anew. That’s how I feel, especially this time. Maybe because I know that I have already taken a step forward, away from that ugly, dark place that I have been idled in for so long. I don’t want to go back to that place ever again. It’s not a good place to stay in.

2020 has made me realized a lot of things. One of the huge realizations I have taken away was that it’s okay now to loosen the grip I have on the reign when it comes to my family. I was reminded that my brothers are all grown up now; our youngest is 17 years old. They may still behave and think like a child at times but they are more than capable now of being mature in dealing, handling and comprehending things and situations. That somehow lifted some weight in my shoulders, which really was a huge deal for me.

So I welcomed 2021 with a more positive, open and hopeful heart for the months and the days to come. I’m not saying that life will be easier now, I don’t think so. It’s just that my soul is feeling a lot freer. With that, I intend for 2021 to be about rediscovering and exploring more of myself, to nourish me without feeling guilty.

Where did the spark go?

Have you ever talked to someone whom you badly wanted to like, as in romantically? Maybe because that person have qualities and features that you find so charming or maybe because you simply like him/her for the person he/she is, the coolness, quirks and all.

You talked and talked, gave it more time and chances to talk while you’re being on the lookout to spot that something — for that factor that would tell you and convince you that you really are so into this person. That factor that would tell you that your attraction to him/her is actually valid.

That feeling of the mere mention of his name immediately sending high voltages of electricities exploding like fireworks inside of you. That feeling of just catching sight of his face instantly causes your blood to rush on your cheeks, giving them color. That feeling that of when your gazes locks, it makes you inhale a breath sharply then makes you wriggle as if you’re a worm sprinkled with salt. That feeling of when you catch a whiff of his masculine perfume automatically pulls your lips into a smile. That feeling of when you hear him utter your name, it’s as if the Heaven’s opened up and the angels with trumpets are serenading you. That feeling of when his hand grazes with yours, sending ripples of shivers down your spine triggering the hair on your bodies to stand up. That feeling of as when he’s walking towards you, it gives you butterflies in your stomach, fluttering energetically everywhere causing you to feel giddy and dizzy with so much excitement and expectation.

There’s this man, 6 foot 1 tall with chocolatey brown eyes matching with his brown toussled hair. I first saw him in his scrub suit with a stethoscope around his neck. A surgeon he said he is. Oh, I can only imagine the twinkle in my eyes. “How sexy.” says my mind. I love it whenever he talks about his patients and his surgeries, he exudes confidence and enjoyment of what he do which makes him a hell lot more attractive and charming. The way he talks, so professional but can crack jokes too, definitely not lacking in the humor department. Sounds so good to be real, right?

As I am watching him being in his element as he talk with his patient, I’m silently swearing and cursing at myself. Seeing with my own two eyes how rock-god-tastic this man is, I can’t help to question myself why. “Why?”

That gorgeous of a man and I, we talk, we hang out. He tells me stuff that he doesn’t even want to mention or talk about with other people which makes me feel so honored thinking that he trust me. He feels comfortable with me, he told me so, and I too with him. I can be silly, goofy, grumpy even clumsy. I am myself when I’m with him. We have a lot of similarities and yes we have differences too but still we get on really well. His far from perfect, he’s got temper too. He can be blunt and cold at times and not too big of a fan of coffee. He’s gentle with kids, he likes them. He’s a filial son to his mother.

But why . . .

Why can’t I feel any of those intoxicating feelings of a woman who madly likes a man?

Is there something wrong with my heart? Didn’t cupid put enough dose of love in the arrow he shot me? Or was the arrow not intended for me? Where did the spark go?

What do I do? I like him but my heart is adamantly still. Should I keep liking him? Should I just give it more time and see if feelings may develop along the way? Maybe I’m just rushing my heart.

Or could it be that . . . maybe I’m just in love with the thought of him?

“No.” my mind sighed.

Ang Babaeng Balisa at Problemada

Ilang araw ko ring pinag-isipan kung dapat bang aking mga saloobin ay sa papel isulat. Ilang araw ko ring sinubukan ngunit sa huli ay laging hindi nangyayari. May ideya ka na ba kung gaano katindi ang kaguluhan sa loob ng aking isipan? Sa tuwing hawak ko na ang panulat at ang papel, ang mga salita, bagay o mga pangyayaring laging sumisigaw na waring sa akin ay nagsusumamo ng pansin ay bigla na lamang nawawala na parang bula. Bakit? Natatakot ba na sila ay sa papel mailapat? Bakit? Natatakot ba sila na kapag sa papel ay matagumpay na nailipat ay sa wakas ay matatapos na ang sa akin ay kanilang paggambala? “Sana nga.” Wari ng aking isip. “Sana nga talaga.” Isa pa nitong sambit.

Kaya naman heto ako at sumusubok. Pinag-isipan ko pa kung ito ba ay aking isusulat sa wikang tunay na aking salita o sa wikang banyaga na tunay na hiram lamang. Sa anong wika ko nga ba lubos na maipapahatid ang aking tunay na saloobin? May mga tanong na naman na biglang dumating at sa akin ay gumugulo. Handa ba ako na aking mga diwa’t damdami’y ipaalam o ipabasa sa ibang tao? Paano kung husgahan lamang nila ako? Ipapaskil ko ba ito o sarilihin ko na lang ulit at hayaang nakaipit sa pahina ng kwadernong aking pinagsulatan?

Teka, ito ay kailangan ko nga talagang pag-isipan. Kaya naman ako ay tumayo, lumabas ng aking kwarto at sa kusina ay nagtungo. Kumuha ng isang malaking babasaging baso, naglagay ng mga yelong hugis kwadrado, ibinuhos ang likidong kulay itim na kilala sa tawag na kape at saka kumuha at nilagay ang pahabang metal na gamit pangsipsip. Kumuha na rin ako ng bilog na platito at naglagay ng tatlong pirasong pandesal at pagkatapos ay pumanhik na pabalik sa aking silid. Inilapag ang mga dala sa ibabaw ng aking munting mesa, kumagat ng pandesal at sumipsip ng kape na bahagya ng lumamig. Kinuha ang panulat, hawak ito, ipinuwesto ang kamay sa ibabaw ng kwaderno upang ang isinusulat ay maipagpatuloy ngunit . . . ano na nga ba ulit ang aking isusulat?

Hindi ko maalala. Ikaw na nagbabasa, alam mo ba? Pakisabi naman baka sakaling sa aking isip ay bumalik.

Wala na. Wala na talaga. Sabaw na naman ang utak ng babaeng balisa at problemada.

Dismayado. Inubos ko na lamang ang aking malamig na kape sa isang dire-diretsong pagsipsip gamit ang metal na istro sabay wari sa sarili “Paano na?” Maisusulat ko pa ba ang mga binalak kong isulat? Maiaalis ko pa ba ang mga diwang gumugulo sa isipan patungo sa puting pahina ng kwadernong ito? Pinalipas ko ang ilang sandali habang blangkong nakatitig sa puti kong pader, nagbabaka sakaling may sagot na dumating. Ngunit wala. Wala talaga. Kaya naman nagkibit-balikat na lamang at saka nagsabing “Baka mamaya. Baka bukas. Malay natin.”

Thoughts That Are Crowding My Head Lately

Hello, you beautiful creatures of this planet! How’s it going? I hope all is going well for you all. As for me, everything’s going the same. Quite stressed out on most days and relaxed on other days with Yiruma’s playlist playing in the background which greatly helps in calming me down. And since today is a day of the former, might as well dump and transcribe some of these thoughts into words in the hope that maybe it could clear out at least a little bit of space in this very crowded brain of mine. In doing so, I could use that space for the more worthwhile thoughts, yeah?

i. Should I go shorter or just go for a trim? For months now, I’m feeling a bit rebellious about my hair. For the longest time I really want to cut my hair short as in shoulder length short. The last time I’ve gotten my hair that short was when I was ten or eleven years old. I also fancy getting some bangs at the same time. I know for myself that this is me being overly ambitious because one, my hair type and texture is difficult to work with which is the reason why the hairdresser that I usually go to strongly opposed the idea of me going short. Two, short hair and bangs, it may not seem like it but in reality they are harder to maintain than long hair and I doubt myself if I have the patience for that.

ii. Less rice, please! Oh my goodness, would you believe that I can eat three plates of rice? Uhhmmm … Yeah, I do that. Oooppps! And the body is totally rebelling against me now. It’s really undeniable. My clothes are getting tighter and tighter by the day and it’s starting to low-key bother me. And my mom makes sure to inform me that every time she sees me.

iii. Don’t neglect yourself, please lady! This says my brain to me as I am again deep into being a slob. I mean if I don’t shower every day I don’t know if I would still look like a human.

iv. Let’s get the gears on your head up and running. Create. There are a number of projects or should I say hobbies that I want to do that I think can help me appease or escape from this growing anxiety inside of me. I need to do something that’ll occupy my mind aside from just being in my laptop for the whole day. Recently, I rediscovered my fascination with crocheting so why not give it a go and do it again. It’s not an expensive hobby either, for a beginner at least. I’m thinking of doing something that I can use like cell phone/laptop covers, coasters and dish cloths for starters.  I just really have to remember to buy a hook and some yarn. Seriously, do them now, Gerry.

v. Get those booties moving. Since I’ve gained weight, I also would like to take on a 30-day workout challenge. There’s a ton of videos on Youtube, thank goodness for that which makes our life a tad bit easier. I decided to try on Emi Wong’s workout videos because I’ve seen a lot of positive feedbacks of success from people who tried and diligently did her workouts which really boosted my motivation to exercise. Not gonna lie, this is going to be a hard challenge and the chances of me exercising everyday will depend on a couple of reasons so we’ll see.

vi. Can someone gift me a French press, please? I miss waking up in the morning with the aroma of roast coffee freshly brewing wafting in the air but since our coffee maker broke, I did my coffee manually in the stovetop which made me realize that a French press will do perfect for me for I am the only one who drinks black coffee in our house. I think that a French press is a cheaper than a coffee maker so that works for me.

vii. Better budgeting. I am the one who handles our budget for every day expenses and every day I am somewhat dumbfounded of how much I spend even on just food alone. Our family’s finances are a lot tighter these days because rent, bills and tuition fees are very damaging to everyone’s wallet. So in light of that I just want to make an effort to save a little bit more therefore I need to find a better budgeting strategy than just continuously letting my brothers to eat two pieces of chicken each every single time.

viii. Dress better, girl! One undeniable reason that contributes to me feeling like crap every day is that I look like crap every day. And I’m not even kidding. Dishevelled uncombed hair, worn-out clothes that have seen better years, kitty chewed-on slippers and just plainly being a sweaty mess most of the time is my every day fashion. How elegant and attractive, right? I suddenly remember Heart Evangelista in one of her videos that she dresses up and do her make-up every day and even wear heels at home just because. I’m not saying that I’ll start wearing heels at home too but at least dress better to look more like a proper lady.

ix. Stop holding yourself back! Stop feeling so guilty over little things.  Stop feeling so shy. Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop thinking as to what other people think of you and about the decisions/choices that you make.  You do you, girl! You do you.

Now let’s hustle, shall we?

Killer Takes All by Erica Spindler

This is the second installment in Spindler’s Stacy Killian series with See Jane Die being the first. I may have started out reading in a little wobbly foot because that first book though it was still a great read I just didn’t quite get the usual thrill or magic as I call it that I usually experience when I read Spindler’s books. But then again I solely blame it for it being the first book I picked up after a very long hiatus in reading, so I knew my being just wasn’t all that conditioned and not quite ready yet to experience the greatness of the thriller realm. However, when I started reading this book I knew, I’m already in for one heck of a thriller ride. The so called magic has indeed mystically bounded me again.

Stacy Killian being sick and tired of the blood and death and all the ugliness of her job left the police force and her sister, Jane in Dallas and moved to New Orleans in the hope of having a fresh start. She went back to university and was doing well until a friend of hers was murdered. No matter how many times she reminded herself that she was not a cop anymore, that she was now just a civilian, still she managed to get herself involved in the investigation.

The main theme of the book is RPG, role playing game. White Rabbit, the name of the game where the story revolves was inspired on the novel Alice in Wonderland which I found interesting and I thought very clever as to how the author incorporated and used it in the novel. I am not a gamer myself so that’s the only part where I kind of struggle in understanding what was going on. I made the effort of reading the parts where it explained the game and the strategy twice or thrice in an attempt to better comprehend it. I may not understand all of it but I think I had the gist of it.

The thing that really stood out for me in this book is the many twists and turns that the author integrated in here. One moment you think you already had it all figured out only to realize the next minute that nope, not over yet there’s still more to come. It made the whole story fun, thrilling, suspenseful, and annoying in a good sense. I think this is the only book I’ve read so far wherein all of my suspects but one died. Mind blown, oh yes I was.

I still love Stacy’s character just as much as the first book; tough, stubborn and arrogant, a hard-ass yet a smart woman. I felt so relieved though got a little scared for as well when she met Spencer Malone when I thought that the past might be on repeat. The romance element wasn’t overdone in fact I was craving for more, which I think allowed to give the story more focus on the suspense and thrill.

Erica Spindler did it again for me. Oh I love this woman and her crime-thrillers. Killer Takes All is a fast paced read, I couldn’t recall any boring moments. I guessed the culprit correctly in the beginning, then in the middle wasn’t that sure anymore but still one of the strong suspects, towards the end I was rock solidly convinced that person was the culprit. Oh you know, that’s one of Spindler’s skills really. Tickle and play your mind and imagination like that which I so so so love. The story was really exciting, thrilling (duh!), picked my interest, had me guessing and kept the gears in my brain working the whole time. It is for sure another gripping and can’t-put-down book.

Now, I want to read more of these sorts which makes me realized I still haven’t been able to restock my books to read drive so I don’t really have more books to read at the moment. Bummer!

See Jane Die by Erica Spindler

The fifteen-year old Jane was a survivor of a horrific accident when she skipped school together with her sister, Stacy and her friends. She accepted their dare to swim in the lake and little did she know, that day in the water would change her life forever.

Now, seventeen years later after so many series of surgeries to fix her face, she was married to a renowned and successful plastic surgeon Dr. Ian Westbrook and pregnant with their first child. Then a brutal crime occurred which happened to have a connection to her husband.  In an attempt to prove his innocence, she realized along the way that this crime was somewhat connected to the near death accident she had experience seventeen years ago.

I don’t know if it’s just because this is the first book that I decided to read after not reading for a long while, if you have been a reader of mine, you would know how much I love crime-thrillers and that goes hand-in-hand with Erica Spindler but in this book, I just didn’t get that Spindler magic. There was no blood rushing/pumping in my veins, no mind exploding moments. Sure the guessing game in here as to who culprit was good, it gave me a headache. There were a lot of scenes wherein I caught myself gasp and sigh out of shock, pity, disappointment and excitement.

The story was narrated in a third person point of view in which I must say whilst reading this book I realized that I prefer the first person point of view narration style because in my opinion, it gives more in-depth details as to what the character is feeling and gives us better understanding about their way of thinking and mindset. Don’t get me wrong, that didn’t bother me in any way at all, just stating my realization.

As for character development, I really like how Jane and Stacy’s characters progressed and portrayed in the book. In my view, they are opposite and yet the same in a way. Jane, when you think of what she had been through, you couldn’t help to think that she’s fragile, all beauty and no brawn but as time gone by she became strong and successful for the same reason as well. Stacy on the other hand, is a tough cookie. Being a woman in the force she endured, persevered and worked hard so that she would be respected and treated equal by her colleagues which she deservedly earned.

The twist in the ending, though I cannot say that it came out of nowhere because I kind of expected it, there was something in there that I wasn’t so sold. Maybe it was the gravity of the culprit’s reason as to why he did what he did or maybe I am just still in denial of it because even though I was suspicious of him I still liked him until the twist came and it completely broke my heart.

All in all, it is a great book. A fun and entertaining read. It is gripping and undeniably a page-turner can’t put down kind of book. I caught the bad guy (in my head). I suspected him somewhere in the beginning, still suspicious in the middle and boom in the end he was the culprit. I’m proud. I think this feeling of ambivalence rooted from me not considering that my reading gears hasn’t been fully fueled, hasn’t been oiled well and has not been completely warmed up yet and I’ve already  set the bar high. Do I recommend this? Of course, no doubt on that.

How about you, what have you been reading these days?

November Intentions

I am finding it hard to believe that it’s already November. Clearly, I am still in denial that we’re roughly only two months away before a new year rolls in. Since I pretty much failed this year yet again, I thought there’s still two months left so why not at least attempt to make something worthwhile out of it.

READ AGAIN.

Since I decided to stop myself from binge watching Korean drama series or any series for that matter, I thought I might as well start reading again. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I think it’s time to completely clear out the remaining e-books that has been sitting in my google drive for so long so that I can fill it again with new titles. Actually I am only compelled to refrain watching k-dramas just because I ran out of series to watch and the ones that I want to watch are still ongoing but the thing about me though is that I don’t to watch a series  unless it’s already completed.  I am just way too impatient to wait for a week for the next episode.

BE MORE DILIGENT ABOUT MY SELF-CARE RITUALS.

This includes the little routines that I do for myself that contributes to my overall well-being. Instead of doing it just whenever I remember them which are next to never, I thought why not regularly do it. I already set reminders for this so the forgetful being of me is not going to be an excuse anymore.  This is me trying to outwit myself.

TRY A NEW RECIPE A WEEK.

I mentioned in my previous post that I want to serve my family healthier foods. This will be like a trial-and-error in the hope of exploring or trying out more foods that my family may like.

ATTEND A MASS EVERY SUNDAY.

I had been neglectful of this since we moved but now I want to get back in the groove of going to mass again and also praying at night. I’m not really a very religious person and I only know one prayer but there’s just something whenever I go to church and hear a mass that I find comforting and soothing. It’s like its mending the broken gaps of my soul. Dramatic, I know. Since I’m in such a disheveled state right now, this I know will be of great help for me for sure.

FIND ANOTHER CREATIVE HOBBY.

Writing and I seems like we’re having a lover’s quarrel nowadays for the reason that writing doesn’t like me anymore so before writing completely dump me, I need me to find another creative hobby. I’m thinking now is the good time to learn the ukulele but sadly, I still don’t have a ukulele. If anyone out there is thinking of giving me a present, yes you can gift me ukulele and for sure my heart will be full with so much happiness and gratefulness. Thanks to you, whoever you are. Thank you very much in advance. 😂😂😂 Since the ukulele is undoable for now, I’m thinking maybe I should try drawing/sketching. I do not have a wild and wide imagination and I do not have a good hand to draw good sketches. My drawings are as good as of that of a kindergarden child but still it is something that I know I do enjoy doing.

So yeah, those are what I would strive to attain for this month. I know I always fail at this sort of thing but who knows, I might really do them this time.

Random Thoughts: A Brain Dump

How are you all doing my friends? Hoping all is well. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say here. I’ve read quite a few posts today that it sort of propelled me to open my word document even though I have no idea what to write. I am just kind of winging this out. Well as they say if you don’t know where or how to begin, you can always start at the simplest/easiest step you can do. It may be as simple as opening a blank document. Don’t under estimate these little things because you may never know where it can lead you. Am I right?

Since it has come to this, please allow me to ramble and scribble down whatever that pops up in this chaotic mind of mine …

1. I miss writing. Oh goodness! Do you have any idea how frustrated I feel right now for not being able to write anything for so long? I miss writing proses, poems even haikus like I used to. I couldn’t help to think that the little creativity and imagination that I have has already left me. And this blog? It already seemed like I had abandoned it ages ago. I need to refocus to the goal I had when I created this blog.

2. I should start taking journaling seriously. I am convinced that I am one of those people that jotting down to paper the messes in my mind helps greatly in clearing up some space in my brain resulting to more organized thoughts and positive mood.

3. Getting back in shape is another thing that I should take seriously. I’m not saying that I should go all out to get a Victoria Secret model’s body. That’s impossible. What I mean by getting back in shape is to shed the few kilos I’ve gained from having a sedentary lifestyle. I believe I am now in my heaviest in all of my life. I don’t need a weighing scale to confirm that as I can already see and feel it in my middle section, cheeks, thighs, love handles and in the overall mood and feel of my body. We have a stationary bike, a set of dumb bells, an exercise ball and a yoga mat so I do not have any excuse now do I? But I still prefer to run though …

4. I should cook more and healthier. Thinking what to feed my family is a huge challenge in our household because my family prefers a carnivore and unhealthy diet. I couldn’t help but feel guilty whenever I constantly serve them fried, processed and even canned foods. I know I need to be sneakier and more creative to make them eat healthier.

5. I should take a break from watching Korean drama series. This has pretty much taken over my life for months now and it’s not helping me at all aside from providing me escape from the real horrors of my reality. I should get back to reading and exercising instead.

6. I love listening to OPM again. I am so happy that our music is slowly getting back at it again. The Pinoy Chart Toppers playlist on Spotify has been on repeat for me these days. I am loving the sound of OPM again.

7. I failed this year. I am more than aware of that and there’s no one to blame for this but me and my indecisiveness, pride and cowardice. There’s not one thing in my goals to achieve this year has happened. It’s another year that has been thrown away and I greatly regret it. I do not want to beat myself up for it anymore; instead I’ll focus on gaining the right motivation and exerting more effort in order to work twice or thrice as hard as I needed to so I can take one step at a time closer to my goals.

8. Growing herbs and vegetables has been lingering in my mind for quite some time now. It’s not that I use a lot of herbs when I cook; I only plan on growing peppermint for now so I can use it as tea. I already had one but it died as it was planted directly exposed to sun, now I know better. With vegetables, I want to try growing tomatoes, calamansi, spring onions and chillis. People say when you enjoy black coffee and gardening, it means that you’re old. I enjoy black coffee and I am already considering growing some veggies, does it mean I’m old? Having a garden has always been in my bucket list.

9. I meant it when I said I want to learn to play ukulele. I couldn’t start learning it for now as I don’t own a ukulele just yet but one day. Anyone who can teach me?

10. I should drink less coffee and consume tea instead as a healthier alternative. I know that my coffee drinking habit has contributed to my weight gain as I drink instant coffee mix up to four cups a day. For now, I opt for the classic black with just milk on it and I refused to drink another cuppa unless I’ve already drink two tumblers worth of water. I’m doing well on this so far, though I still crave that sugary instant coffee.

I think I should end this here for now. I didn’t know I already blabbered that much. Since this post is random and the content is random, do you have anything that you want to share? Anything at all? I don’t mind how random that is and certainly am not judging. Just share away.