Realizations of 2016

2016 has been like a wind for me. It came and just flew by.  Out of all the years that I have been a bum, 2016 has been the laziest year for me because literally I’ve accomplished nothing. It felt like I did so many things when in fact I did nothing at all. But I have to say though that in 2016 I have realized so much about myself so I think I can say that the resolutions I’ve had last year weren’t entirely useless.

Doing things right away

I swear I can be the queen of procrastination; I am so guilty of that but this is something that I can say that I am getting better at. Just do all the things that you can right away. Don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day after that because there’s a huge chance that you’ll never get to it. STOP putting off what you can do right away. JUST DO IT!

Not caring about what other people says

This is still a work in progress for sure but towards the end of 2016, I just noticed myself not giving a damn about every single thing that people say or think about me. I learned to hear them out and their sentiments but not letting myself be easily affected by it. I think learning about this comes with age because once I turned 25, this thing have become easier for me.

Speaking up

I used to be that person who just can’t say no, always saying yes even though I don’t really want to. I’ve noticed that with my friends and family I have been a little more vocal about my preferences, my likes and dislikes. If I have an opinion to share, I am not that afraid anymore to voice out what’s on my mind but of course I think before I speak. I make sure that I relay my message in a polite way.

Being more open-minded about love and relationship

I claim myself being the president of the No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth Club, I’m still going strong at it. Yes, I’m 25 and have never had a boyfriend ever before. But I’m at that age where many people around me are marrying and having babies already. When I scroll through my Facebook feed, mostly that I see are photos of weddings and newborn babies. I am not feeling pressured in any way but when my mom told me that before when I was younger, she was worried that I’ll have a boyfriend and neglect my studies, get pregnant and end up being a single teenage mom but now she’s worried that I may never get married and have babies of my own at all. That worries me too, actually. I am not a man hater but surely they’ve given me a lot of bad impressions.

Being more comfortable with my skin despite my acne

I am naturally a total homebody, I prefer being at home most of the time but there were also a lot of times when I wanted to go out and hang out with friends but ended up not going because I didn’t know how to make myself presentable. I felt disgusting because my skin looked disgusting and I knew piling on layers of makeup over it will just make it worst. I must admit that my skin discouraged me from going out and being sociable. My friends have seen me when I had a clear and smooth skin just like a baby and they’ve seen me at my worst, big angry swollen painful zits everywhere in my face and they’re totally fine with it. So I realized why the heck I would be embarrass about my acne, it’s not like acne is a rare thing. Sure, some of my friends teased me for it and still up to this day but I know that it’s the teasing in a non-judgmental way, it’s more to annoy me really. Now, I don’t mind going out of the house in my bare face. I even go to the mall, to the church or to the supermarket without a speck of makeup in my face because who cares and why not. It’s not like you’re going to meet all those people who see you again, right?

What are the realizations you’ve taken away from 2016? I would love to know. Don’t hesitate to share. 🙂

 

Another Gloomy Day

I admit that I’m having a tough time these days, anxiety, pressure and insecurities are once again taking over my life right now. Focus and concentration are nowhere to be found. My brain is in constant jumble and I am always in argument with myself, constantly in fight. The conversations I am having with myself are not good; I am again starting to get pulled into the pit of self-loathing. Situations are slowly consuming me.

I am having a hard time dealing with myself, I do not really know how to properly tackle or handle these dilemmas I have. I frequently find myself in daze, looking out to nowhere, when there’s any sudden movement or noise then I’ll come back to reality. My days are filled with sighing, sighing and more sighing, it seems like that’s all I could do at the moment. I really couldn’t tell any more if my mind is just blank and empty or there’s just really too much going on in my head that are like a thousand times faster than a bullet train that’s why it looks like nothing is registering in this faulty brain of mine.

I’m feeling useless. I’m feeling like a failure. And I’m guilty of it. I can see it and feel it every time my dad looks at me and every time my mom talks to me. I know they have expected a lot from me which is making me feel guiltier and more pressured to deliver and meet those expectations. As I’ve said before, I do not want to disappoint them but I’m aware that that’s all what I’m giving them now, disappointments. It pains me, big time.

Nowadays, reading doesn’t pleasure me, coffee doesn’t comfort me and music doesn’t calm me. What am I going to do then? I’m feeling trapped, with my routines, with my negativities and basically with my life. I want to get out of this cage so badly and be free.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Gerry,

I am writing this letter to you as a warning maybe, of what awaits ahead of you in life. I know it was tough growing up in a confusing family background that only you and I can ever understand. It was also very hard being the eldest kid in the family as you as always worry about everything, even little things but that is just something that you cannot change about you, it is innate with you. You worry too much and you always over-rationalize things, I’d like to say that these things can make your life difficult in the future as it hinders you from doing the things that you supposed to do.

As you grow older, you’ll experience a lot of fear, doubt, envy, jealousy, and even anger. I am not telling you this to scare you in any way, this is to tell you that you’ll be spending your young adult life with these negative feelings and emotions, you’ll feel betrayed and your patience will be put to a test. This is to prepare you so that it’ll not overwhelm you too much just like what I’ve experienced or you can do something better about it, so you wouldn’t go through what I’ve gone through. With that maybe we both can have a different future. Quarter-life crisis will get you so bad, frustration and regret will be a part of your everyday life. These happened because you know, I messed up. Actually, these past couple of days, I’ve been beating myself up thinking of the things that I regret so much and the things that I could’ve done differently so I wouldn’t be stuck in this phase of my life right now. Oh how I hate that word: stuck, idle, slump, pause, just because I am so guilty of it. Yes dear, I am stuck for five long years now, still searching for answers that don’t seem to be found.

I know I sound like I complain so much about how my life has turned out and that’s because I am complaining about it and it’s nobody’s fault but me. I am to blame for all of this; I know that, so I cannot help to think that once you messed up, you can really mess up big.

As I’ve told you, I am not saying this to scare you or pressure you. I just want you to be prepared because that’s what I’ve felt before this idleness happened. I felt like I have just focused on finishing school and did not fully prepare to the life after that and that was when it all started, that was when life overwhelms me so much that it made me what I am now: a coward, irresponsible, shameless – in a way that I can only explain, and a great procrastinator.

Well, life isn’t about all the bad things, of course there are also good things that happened. I cannot list any of them as my mind is clouded with so many negativities – I know, my bad – but I know deep down in me that there are. I’ve been wishing to have a time machine so that I can go back to the time where this all started but goodness gracious! I am well aware that there’s no such thing as time machine or going back in time. I am still sane enough that I know that’s not possible and you know what? Even if ever given the chance to do that, I think I still wouldn’t change a thing because I’ve learned many things in those five years. I have definitely become more mature and slowly having a different but better mindset.

Don’t worry I’m not letting myself to end up like this forever. I may be struggling but I am thriving and surviving that’s for sure. All I want to say to you my younger me is to not be scared and be prepared – mentally- so things cannot overwhelm you so easily which makes you lose focus and forget everything you planned. When life gets difficult, just hang in there.

People and even I, may not have given you enough credit for all the things you’ve accomplish, forced to mature at  young age and basically, for getting through so much … I tell you, you are already one heck of a girl.


Always wishing you courage, confidence and happiness,

the 24-year old version of you

The Struggle Is Real

I am too tired of this. I am too tired of waking up in the morning not really looking forward to anything. I am too tired of having an empty day because all I do is sleep and eat. I am too tired of being embarrassed. I am too tired of being scared. I am too tired of being so hard to myself and beating myself up all the time. Basically, I am too tired of everything in my life right now. But don’t worry though, this is not a suicidal note, I am not that kind of person. I just really want to dump of all these thoughts I have in my head to hopefully remove, if not all then most of the clutters in my brain.

Do you know the reason why I prefer sleeping in the morning and being awake at night? Of course not, right? No one knows actually but I’d like to share it with you. I prefer to be awake at night because everyone is already sleeping; it’s quiet and the introvert in me really like that. I can freely walk the house without worrying for someone bugging me of things that I know and am already aware of. I prefer to be asleep in the morning because I’m avoiding to be nagged at by my mom as to why I’m always cooped up in my room, always reminding me that I’m turning 25 this year and still accomplished nothing, asking me non-stop as to what my plans are, when will I get a job and enjoy life. I prefer to be asleep in the morning to not see my dad’s sufferings. He worked hard for my studies and now that I’ve finished school and am already a registered nurse, I am supposed to be helping him to support our family because I am more than aware that it’s already too much for him but still here I am, doing nothing. I appreciate all of those nagging and constant questions and reminders because that only shows how concerned and worried they are for me but there are times that it’s just too much to hear. It’s like reality repeatedly slapping me in the face to make me realize of how incapable I am with my life.

I regret wasting 5 years of my life and still counting, for doing nothing. Right at that moment when I graduated and stepped out of college, all of my plans suddenly disappeared like I never planned them at all. It was replaced by anxiety, fear and uncertainty. It kind of felt like a door opened up and unleashed an enormous monster of responsibilities that suddenly was put on my shoulders. It was so overwhelming that it sucked out my rational being and left me with nothing in my brain. Until now I am still contemplating as to what I want to do. My transition from being a teenager into being a young adult was a very rough and bumpy ride, with nothing happened, it was a complete waste of time. And now that I am entering my mid 20’s, I can see that it’ll be a rougher and bumpier ride but this time, I am hoping that it’ll be a worthwhile phase and journey.  This may be what they call as quarter life crisis.

I may be okay with eating 2 plates of rice, emptying 2 bags of chips, drinking a liter of soda and eating a whole bar of chocolates all by myself; I may be okay going out to the market or to the mall in my bare face despite of my bad acne; I may have no problems in those areas but the confidence to myself and to the things that I could do is the part where I’m greatly lacking and struggling. As I’ve said before, my self-esteem and self-confidence is nowhere to be found but six feet under the ground, add in me being anxious of almost everything, I’m thinking how worse it can get.

I guess I really am at the point in my life where I am forced to make decisions. Be a real adult. Learn to do and make things on my own. Figure things out on my own and not be afraid of changes. Be the real captain of my life and sail it towards the direction that I want it to be. But let’s admit it, it’s all easier said than done, right?

I do want and is very eager to turn over a page and get on to the next chapter of my life so badly but I don’t really know why I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know if I am just over-rationalizing things resulting with me being frightened so much or if I am just really holding myself back for reasons that I can’t even understand. A friend of mine have told me that if I stop being scared and start walking to my goals, I could’ve gone far by now. It’s such a torture when you know yourself that you could’ve done so much and could’ve done better but you just don’t know how.

It is just so frustrating and maddening whenever I think back of the time when my friends and I have finish nursing school, took the nursing licensure exam, got licensed and have become registered nurses all at the same time but seeing now that they are way ahead on the road and I am being left behind. I am not comparing to downgrade myself; it is to overview that I could’ve advanced in the road as much as they did, that I could’ve walked side by side with them and on their pace. Many times I have wondered why I am not as courageous as them and why I am not as confident as them. Yeah, why is that? Because maybe if I am, who knows where I could be and what I have been doing right now or if ever I will be in this situation.

Whenever I try to get back to the root of it all, I’ve always come to realize that maybe I was too focused on graduating college and getting licensed that that was exactly the entirety of my plan. Sure, I have had a vision of what my life after college would be but the reality was, I have left out or I haven’t gotten around planning it in details. Maybe that is why I am in the dark right now trying to find the door out of it. And/or maybe I really just wasn’t ready to be an adult yet that’s why I have gotten tremendously overwhelmed by the sudden change and got scared of the magnificent responsibilities that have come with it.

And so right at this moment, a question suddenly popped up out of nowhere; What now?

That’s A Wrap, 2015!

Well, we’re only a couple of days away until this year finally comes to an end and this is also the time when we all look back to how we did this year. As for me, 2015 had whipped my butt really hard to the extent that the sting lingered for quite a long while and that actually shook my brain to finally realized a lot of significant things.

2015 may had been a little hard on me and to my family, there have been a lot of things happened but I’m still happy that most of the things had fell back to their places, they may not be the same as before but we can deal with that and still working on some of it. 2015 had been like a big reservoir of negativities where I have drowned myself with frustrations, anger, fear, insecurities, jealousy, envy, self-pity and self-doubt. Nope, I am not being dramatic here, it’s true that I’ve harbored all of those things and I was so stupid to let myself be overpowered with them. Regrets, if not always then most of the time comes at the end when you’ve already come to realizations as to what you may or may not have done wrong.

One of the things that I craved for this year was an opportunity to get out of this what I call the idle phase of my life. I was actually given a handful of opportunities but it was me who let all of those chances slipped out of my hands and then as a result I immersed myself again in all of those negativities. That’s pretty much the cycle that I was in all this time.

But let’s not just talk about the bad things because if there were a lot of negative things then let’s not forget about the positive things that I also have gained this year. They may be as cliche as they can be but you can really delve into a whole new level of understanding with such cliche things when you yourself have been put into the situation and get to experience such things.

So, since it’s almost the end of the year – very timely isn’t it? – I’m gonna wrap up all of these things and together with 2015, is ready to let it all go. As the new year approaches, so are the new beginnings. I want 2016 to be a year of self-discovery and self-improvement for me. I have lost myself along the way all these years so I think it’s about time to rediscover myself. I’m not saying that I’m gonna be selfish, I’m just saying that I’m gonna give more time to myself and more credit for the things that I’ll do.

Goodbye 2015! WELCOME 2016! And to all the challenges that you may bring with you. Bring it on!

It’s Okay To ‘Retreat’

I just came back from attending the mass this morning and there is this thing about churches and masses that makes me feel relieved and comfortable. Whenever I come to the church it feels like I am unloading a lot in there that when I come out, I feel lighter and more at ease.

I just want to share to you guys what the priest have preached us today. It is about retreat and that word doesn’t literally imply of giving up, it could also mean to take a break, to pause or to rest. He said that it’s okay to feel tired,  may it be tired of being a spouse, being the eldest child in the family, being the breadwinner, being a parent or being tired with the people around you or with the situation that you are in. It’s okay to feel tired. There’s nothing wrong about it, we’re just humans. Being tired is a natural thing for us to feel and when this happens, it’s okay to retreat. Don’t be afraid to take a rest. He said that we should rest for two reasons: first, you should rest  because you’re done. You have finished what you have to do, you have done your part and don’t be greedy, so let the other people do their own parts too. And second, you should rest so that you can do more, so you will have the motivation and energy again to do other and more things.

Take a break just enough to replenish your tired mind, body and spirit. Do not take a break to the point of laziness that you do and achieve nothing which is the part where I am so guilty of until now. Rest just enough to charge your drained batteries.

Therefore, when times are overwhelming, it’s okay to retreat. Don’t be afraid to take a break and rest. It’s healthy to do so.

Brain Dump: ‘Me’ At This Moment

I am feeling blank right at this very second as I am typing up this post. Seriously? Blank? Is that even a feeling? Just like the current status of every aspect and areas of my life, BLANK. Empty. My mind though isn’t empty at all. It is currently full of these thoughts, concerns, worries and a lot of frustrations that I don’t even know what to address first. I am that overwhelmed that instead of feeling panicked, I just couldn’t react except for my fingers which still have the guts to tap on the keyboard to type up this post which I doubt will have sense in the end.

This week I sent out resumes to the hospitals which are my dream work place but not as a nurse yet. That’s my choice really, I am starting to question my competency as a nurse after all these years of not practicing so might as well not shock myself to get in the profession in this instant. I plan to do that eventually, I just take this as a warm up before I dive into the stressful yet rewarding world of nursing. Hopefully. I applied for a position that is still somehow related to nursing and one of the hospitals have actually texted me and invited me to an interview on Monday and maybe that explains the building anxiety in my gut.

This week also I have indulged myself to youtube, well honestly that just seems like the only thing I can do right now, watching videos and films, since I am not really in the mood to read anything. I am just not feeling it. I have actually started reading Amy Poehler’s Yes Please but I don’t know if I just wasn’t not in the mood or if I just wasn’t really into reading such kind or genre of books. But through this tons of hours of watching I discover a new obsession. While I was watching CSI last night, my all time obsession, I saw the trailer for the show The Whispers which have really intrigued me like a lot since the first time I saw it. Just too bad though because it is being aired in the cable channel that isn’t included in our subscription which pisses me off greatly but of course what’s the internet for if you’re not gonna use it, right?

So yeah, yesterday I watched the first 3 episodes and today I finished the other 4, meaning I’m all caught up with the episodes and yes I’m all hooked! That’s why I’m obsess! I find it really intriguing. Take it from a person who isn’t a fan of sci-fi. And since I’ve watched all the episodes so far, I have the movie Private Number buffering in the other tab of this google chrome tab. I told you, that’s the only area where I can get productive these days.

I remember, my brother received his first pay in his new job and my mom has been teasing me with that telling me that the brother has been enjoying his salaries while I sulk in this room spending so much time in Youtube. It’s a friday night and a lot of my friends and people are going out tonight for sure while I, on other hand, is here in front of my laptop with a steaming mug of coffee beside it and in my pajamas with a buffering Private Ryan waiting to be watched after posting this post which I hope is a good movie. Fingers cross.

Happy life, isn’t it? The Bum Life.